Saturday, April 23, 2011

Scatter brain

Knock, knock. Go to look out the window. Ugh, those people again. Do they ever stop? I decided I will open the door and see what they "want". Jehovah witnesses. They came a few other times to the house and spoke with me and I had said they can come back maybe Id be interested in a bible study. (Then I didnt know they were who they were). And well they came back UNANNOUNCED not on the day they said they were coming. I wasn't here. My father opens the door. My mom ended up telling me my dad was all mad and angry thinking it was something for my mom. You see, he is, for unknown reasons, against religion. THats pretty much the most they fight and get really heated about for the most part. I do not know why, when he was even brought up as Catholic. But as an adult, you choose which way you want to go or believe in. Just as I am struggling to do now.

Well they read a verse from the bible and then gave me to phamplets. I happened to glance while they were speaking at the one on the bottom just to see what it was. "How to cope with the loss of a loved one". Was the bottom one. They happened to know I had a daughter and they then asked if she was my first. I said no, and I said my first passed away. So yeah, I was sad and all these thoughts started to stir up, especially because her birthday is within days. I came inside and I sat on the couch and attended to Sadie and my school work. While Pandora radio was playing, a song came on and the tears started to flow. I hadnt heard it in a good while and I would always play it after Naomi passed. "Halo" by Beyonce. I just sat there and cried.

So, another random thing happened yesterday. I went out to dinner with a friend of mine from highschool. It was a very nice time and we ended up chatting about everything. Then she happened to tell me how her boyfriend, he is a new officer and has his first court appearance. She said that it is the 27th of April, and she thought of me. And then I cant remember what kind of person or who she wasw talking about, but she goes to me "and guess what her name is". I go "no way are you serious"? And the girls name was Naomi. I was like wow. And she told me she jsut had to tell me. I said awee how sweet. I tell you everyone thinks about me and Naomi and it just means so much to me! I actually signed on to inspire the other day. Inspire is the FIRST website I happened to come across after losing Naomi. I would journal there and oh boy would I journal. I let it all out. And I dont think I would hoenstly be here if it werent for that website, these moms were so concerned and would tell me their stories and just be there for me. Compelte strangers. Anyways, I met alot of mommies on there, one mommy happened to be local and we did our walk last year together! I logged on just recently and journaled letting others know I am still here. This mommy comments on how a few months ago she saw a yellow butterfly and started talking to it and thought of me and Naomi and even snapped a picture of it and still has it in her phone. I was just so taken back by that. Even complete strangers are out there thinking of my sweet baby girl.

Well this morning, I just picked up our shirts from my friend Holly for our walk on the 30th. And they are BEAUTIFUL. Sadie even has her own onsie. I cannot wait to walk. We have a HUGE group, over 50 walkers! I cannot believe it. Most is her family and friends and about 9 are my family and friends. I wish more would have wanted to walk, but thats okay, the important ones are walking with us, and some also did donate, so that means alot to me as well. I cant wait to hear the grand total from our team. I know we have raised between $7000 and $8000! And here I remember when my friend Holly told me in the beginning we are going to set our goal for $1000. I thought, no way will be reach that. And wow, we like quadroopled it times TWO! Amazing. Our babies are loved. That is for sure. I just hope Sadie will do well, I know it may be hot, so I will have to be parepared! I got in the car and I just cried. oh, I so wish things were different. I think alot lately how, I cannot believe THIS IS MY LIFE. I am forever the mother, whos baby died. MY BABY DIED. I sometiems still cannot grasp it. ANd it hasnt even been 2 years quite yet. Oh I miss her.

Lately, I have been having trouble. I have blogged briefly I think about it before or twice. But it is really bothering me and also I am wondering why I worry so much. But I have 4 friends from highschool, all on my FB, and they are all about the same amount of weeks. 15 or so. And I see how they are getting excited and what not and one even has already planned a shower, for in August and even took a few maternity pictures. At 15 weeks. I dont know why but it bothers me. I see, they were/are like me when I was pregnant with Naomi.I was naive. But, of course, noone really thinks anything will happen. I never did. I only thought one or two things could go wrong, boy, I was in for it. I see they keep talking about when they will be finding out what they are having and planning all for a baby. Of course, thats what you do. Theres so much excitement in the air. I would NOT wish anything bad on any mommy to be. I just feel like when I see their pictures and talk about it, I cant help it, but I get jealous. Jealousy is an ugly thing. But, its normal. We all have soem amount of it, some more so than others. I just want to be able to be happy for these girls and hope and pray their dream of a baby comes true. I will forever think and view this is my mind..a positive pregnancy test is a scary thing and doesnt guarantee a baby in the end. I have learned it all too well.


Post a Comment

Copyright ©2011 Small Bird Studios| All Rights Reserved |Free Blog Templates at Small Bird Studios