Saturday, January 22, 2011

Grief Stricken, badly.

I miss her with every part and soul of my body, it hurts, it hurts all over again like the coming days after my sweet Naomi passed.

Yesterday, my friend Anne came over with her daughter Mia for their first "playdate". Even though Sadie is only 4 months old, and her daughter will be 2 next month, it was nice to see them and catch up on things.

When I was in the hospital after I had Naomi, her and her husband came with Mia, then almsot 3 months old, and brought me a beautiful pink laundary baby basket FILLED with diapers, baby laundary detergent, toys, and all the necessities prob well worth $1o0. I was just so taken back by it all, I will never forget it and still til this day when I see her I think about it.

Well after she left, unknowingly, I felt sad. And well I had plans the following night (today) to go out with my best friend and a few others to karokee, and that had fell through because my mom had a quick change to take my sister and her friends to Busch Gardens because my sisters very good grades. I was upset about that because I had been looking forward to it for this week but then I told myself there will be other days.

I was sitting on my laptop when my mom came home and I was still bothered by it when she had said she would babysit for me, and I NEVER ask to go out or do anything, and this was just one time (besides new years) that I really wanted to go and do. So I was crying a little, overtired and whatnot. I then without looking at her said, "can I have my pictures of Naomi?" She spoke with me asking if I am sure, and went to go get them. She held them in her hands and said are you sure again? She said I can tell you where I keep them and you can go see them when you want or need to.

And let me just say, I have never seen them, these are pictures that were taken after my Naomi died. 18 or so months, I have not seen then but knowing they were around, lately they had been on my mind. So she told me where they were kept, and put them back. As my mom went to bed, I went and got them. I took one look at then (there were two) and I immediately started bawling. My mom told me previously that "its not her Jill" Its not her.

She is all discolored and on her hands were all bruised from the iv lines and everything. And just was there. She was right, did not look like her. It wasn't her. That was not the sweet baby girl I grew to know for 35 days here , yet 8 short months in mommy's tummy. And I just held them and cried and cried.

I went to bed with a heavy heart. I couldnt sleep at first and I went into the kitchen and here Naomi's video was playing. I went up close to it on the computer screen and watched as she would barely open her eyes and watched her little mouth and her tongue move with that stupid iv down her, I was able to only catch 45 secoonds and I had to press a key on the computer to stop it (the screensaver is a collection of ALL the pictures and videos in the computer and just so happens her video was playing) A sign? I think so.

Well this morning, I woke up grief stricken. Badly. my stomach hurt, felt so heavy and so did my heart. Yes I have my beautiful Sadies with me, and to love and to hold and to kiss and to help fill my void, but I was just missing Naomi SO much and have all day today since last night.

I was browsing blogs today and came across a friends blog and on hers I clicked onto another. This mother happened to have a baby bornstill, on 4/27/2010. A year ago from Naomi's birthday. I thought there is another sign. Yet I still felt so horrible for these parents . I know their pain all too well.

I feel like I should be doing more for my Naomi and all the other babies passed, So many mommies and daddies do. They create funds or things in name of their babies or go on to create groups to help grieving families, or make babies names in neat forms. And I don't or haven't done anything, I feel. I dod do the March of Dimes last year, but I feel i need to do ALOT more. I don't know what, but I want to search within myself and figure it out. I want to do more, i want to stop all of this from happening WAY too many times. Too many.

Maybe I can create something for grieving parents and families or sisters and brothers? I am not very creative, but I have to use my brain and think. I must do more. I must.

I miss my little sweet Naomi. I miss her so much today. I always do. I dont think people truely understand my pain, unless they have been through it. Today, I read and other days, how some friends cannot wait or are rushing the birth of their babies because they are "sick" or "bothered" by being pregnant. It kills me, I want to go off on them, but I don't because I feel like everyone else will attack me.

If only they knew what I went through and STILL live with every single day of my life. It wont go away. I will ALWAYS live with the fact I do not have my firstborn with me. The fact I will never hear her say Mommy, never see her smile, never see her go off to school, never see her get married, or have kids, all those milestones. I only can TRY and imagine what it would be like, yet I don't even think I can do that.

Each and every day I come across more and more stories of loss, of parents and mommies losing their babies and it just BREAKS MY HEART every single time. I cry and cry at every single story. And I feel my grief all over again. I wish I can do more, so much more. In time, I think I will be able to do alot. I just need to get there.

I miss you Naomi Hope Marish. Not a day goes by that I never think of you. I look at your little siter and I see alot of you in her, and I think you would have grown up to look like her. I really believe so. I thank you for sending your sweet sister to me. One day, we will all be reunited again. Love you baby girl always & forever.


Rikki said...

Missing your beautiful girl with you <3
I really wish that i had some pictures of my boys when they were alive(other then the ultrasound pics), i wish more then anything that they had been born alive...even just for a minute. I really wish there was something i could do to help people going through this too but i am not creative at all but if you find something you want to do and need help let me know and i will promise to try :)

Jill said...

Awe thank you so much, that is SO sweet of you. And I am so sorry. I am so glad I did take pictures, little did I know I would lose her. I just even find myself looking at her pictures over and over and sometiems I feel as if its the first time I am seeing them. big hugs!

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