Tuesday...

So...this week, Tuesday or Wednesday I will be going to Plantation General Hospital with Sadie to take some of her outgrown clothes of hers and bring them to the NICU that Naomi was in a year and almost half ago. I thought there was no better place to where they should go, in memory of my sweetpea Naomi. As I think about it, I picture myself walking in there, I can already smell the smell of the familiar hospital, I can see in my head the secuirty desk, I can see the little room I would always wait in around 6:30 til 8pm when they had shift change and the nurses can talk about the other babies with other nurses to catch up on them. I can see the familiar vending machine inside that room where I would always get my brownie bites while I waited. I can see down the hall to where the cafe is and where I would always go and get my bagel & apple juice in the morning after seeing Naomi. I can see the elevators that would lead me to the 2nd floor where the NICU was. I can see where I walk down that hall to ring the doorbell and them buzz me in, I can see the NICU desk, I can see the water & soap station where I would scrub up before going in to see her. I can see the other door that leads to Naomi and the rest of the babies. I can see the issolettes. I can see that Naomi's is no longer occupied by her. I can see that she is no longer there or here. I know that she is gone & it still KILLS me.

When I speak of her, or that she is gone or that I lost her, sometimes it just comes out of my mouth so naturally. It shouldn't. I shouldn't have to say that I lost my daughter. I am forever known as a mommmy of an angel. My stomach is in knots as I write this. I know I am doing a very good thing to help other mommies in need of clothing for their baby girls. I want to see the nurses & head NICU lady that came to Naomi's funeral. I was told to come either those two days so mroe staff can be there so they can meet Naomi's little sister. I don't know how I will be, will I cry? Will I tear up? Or will I try and be brave, and hold it in and just explode after I leave? I don't know, but I am still going to go. I have to, I want to.

Earlier today, my grandma was looking at my shelf of Naomi's memorial and told me I need to have Sadie's picture up there too. I imediately said NO! That is Naomi's place and I will have Sadie's pictures up in another area of my room. I don't feel right putting pictures of Sadie on Naomi's area. I could, maybe one, they are sisters, but I just don't know if I feel okay with that.

Today, I was also approached by a guy standing behind me in line of starbucks. He noticed Sadie, and comments let me guess 9 weeks? I said yes, we got to talking, he ended up having a 9 week old as well. He asked if I had her at PGH (the hospital pretty much down a few block from the Starbucks). I immediately said no, Memorial Miramar I said. I explained how I lost my first born at that hospital last year and i just did not want to go back to that hospital. Or well my mom suggested I try another hospital. Just because of the memories there and all that. I still can't believe this is all happened to me sometimes. I feel like so much time has passed yet I feel like sometimes it just happened yesterday,

I remember the day I lost her. I remember a few hours after, I was outside in front of the hospital with my best friend and another friend and my mom & dad. I remember it raining and I ran down the street just running and running, I wanted to go into the street. I remember collasping down on the sidewalk in the rain just screaming and crying. I remember my mom and dad on the grass on the phone with funeral arrangements, I remember my mo masking me what I wanted, I remember yelling just you guys both do what you decide. I rememebr I just could NOT and did NOT want to do anything reguarding that. I could not think, how could I? Sometimes I wish I had had some say in it, I wish I got to put her in her outfit to wear. I didn't. My mom did all of that. I just could not. My heart seems to be racing now. I just am rehashing it all. I guess I need to. I feel sick. I miss her. I really really miss her. And to know that today, tomorrow, every day several mommmies & families will experience this painful painful loss that will forever shape the rest of their lives. It just kills me.

Am I ready to go back? Its been almsot a year since I was last there. I was there in December for a support group meeting. I can do this. I want to do this. For my Naomi & other mommies.

Two months..

I cannot believe my sweet Sadie is 2 months old already. Boy does the time just FLY by! I have seen so much of her already, her progressing, she smiles when I talk to her, she is starting to babble and make little sounds, it is just the cutest thing ever. She weighs almost 9 lbs, yes on the small end compared to other babies, but Dr said she will catch up within a year hopefully. I cannot wait until I get to experience all of life with my little girl. I can't wait to see the other milestones with her. She lights up my world. I look at her and just feel all the love, I still in a way cannot believe she is here, and that she is mine! All mine . I love her with every sole of my body, her and her big sister forever.

I cannot explain how much joy she has brought to my life. Yet I still feel empty, and I miss my dear Naomi so much. Some day I will struggle break the words to Sadie about her big sister. I will have to answer question that she has, but I will, it happened, and she forever will be remembered every day, every holiday, no time will she not go remembered.

Yesterday, I had a dentist apt, and I had explained how I was pregnant last time at another office so I only got a limited x-ray done there. So I was asked by the tech "first one?" I said, "no, I had my first born, my first daughter last year, and she passed away". "Oh, well for this little girl you have all that much more love to give to her". Ummmm, excuse me, I thought, NO. I just kept quiet, yet it hurt. Thats not how it is. I will love them each the same, more love is not generated towards one of the other. That just bothered me a bit, I should have said something but they wouldn't understand.

Then today, I met up with a friend and her baby boy Ethan for lunch. As we were leaving, one of the waitresses commented on my butterfly tattoo on my foot. Asked if it had hurt or how bad the pain was. I explained not bad compared to this dinky one on my hand (and the one on my hand is just an outline of a star). Well anyways, she said, she daughter loved dragonflies and passed away a couple years ago and she was debating wheather or not to get a dragonfly done on her foot, or wanted it over her heart. I just stopped quick in my tracks and wanted to tear up. And my friend and I both looked at each other, we both know the pain. We both lost our baby girls last year. I wanted to say something to her but I didn't. The whole way home I had cried, I thought I should go back and show her my tattoo I had done in honor & memory of Naomi. It just pains me, no child should go before their parents, its just not the way things should be. :(

Feeling a bit down...

I don't know what exactly it is about today, but I feel down, or I could say a bit depressed. I have kept in my tears all day today, besides crying a little bit in the car earlier when we went jet skiing with the family, and since then I just have been quiet and just all in all sad.

I think alot about the "father" of Sadie/Naomi. Its just such a shame that things had to be the way they are, and that he has to be the way he is. I think often how I wish I can have him meet his daughter, and us be civil, but NO WAY would it EVER be that way. It hurts alot. Yet I knew how he was and I ventured out and got pregnant again. I couldn't help it through my grief, I was so hurt, so distraught, so lost, confused, angry, just everything. Yet now I am alone, I feel alone. I know I am not the only single mom out there, breaks my heart. Yes I have my family, who are amazing and helping me out, I cant thank enough. But I just keep thinking, HOW will I EVER get out of my home? I am 23 years old, dont even have my own car, and yet my 15 year old sister is on a better path than I am.

I want Naomi & Sadie to be proud of their mama. I feel like I haven't done squat with my life. I need to go back to school, I need a job, I want to get a job, to be social again, and heck, to support my beautiful little girl. I just don't know how I can do it all. I know it gets done all the time. I just am SO lost, how do I start, WHERE do I start? HOW do I get back on my own two feet and someday venture out on my own with my daughter?

I am scared, very scared about it, being on my own, but heck, Ive done it before pretty much, even tho being married, I was pretty much independent on my own. So I CAN do it, I just don't know when or how it will be done. I have SO much to learn, to cook, thats a huge thing I want to learn before I go on my own, and so many other things. I feel like I don't have control of things. I want my life to go in a positive direction for once. I want to be able to say I am doing alot with my self I want to be proud of myself. I don't have much positive right now to say about myself and that makes me sad, hurt.

Today, I ate a meal and I just gobbled it down. I then had 2 pieces of bread with some spread on it, and 2 icecream pops, and a cookie I made. I feel like I BINGED. I felt like I was stuffing down my feelings with food. And, to those may not know, I had dealt with eating disorders at 14-21. I went through bits of anorexia, bulimia, and binging disroder. For a good year and a half I binged and binged, I balloned up to 155 lbs, at my small 5'1 frame. That was the biggest I had ever gotten. I NEVER thought it would come to an end, but it has and I am SO thankful I am done with all that. But today, I just don't know I feel sad. I feel depressed. I've got to do something about it. I just feel like I want things to be perfect, I want to be perfect, I want to do everything right for Sadie, I want to do everything on my list, I want to do everything, its impossible tho to do everything. I always make lists and I never get what I am supposed to do done. I am VERY limited in money, and I worry about it yet my parents do help me, but I am 23 for goodness sakes, and they have my brother & sister to take care of. I get worried, how will I ever build myself out of this mess?

I am also missing Naomi, as always. I watched her video the other day with Sadie in my arms. I just cried silently as it began. That was the 2nd time I watched it. Very hard, yet I still cannot believe she is gone. I heard myself talking to her, and the beeps, just so surreal sometimes still. I miss her. I always will.


I want to record and not miss any of Sadie's accomplishments and happenings. I take pictures of her daily, and I feel like I can't get enough of her! She makes me the happiest little mama. I want to get a book and start making her photos and make a beautiful book for her to keep as well. But again, the money. I want to get photo frames and have her pictures around my room as I have Naomi's on her little desk. I want to have matching things, but I don't, I got what I have and I am thankful for. I look at the other mommies, with thier husbands and everything seems to well managed, and I get upset, I dont have that nor will I? I hope to someday, meet a guy who will accept Sadie and I in his life. But first, I have got to get me situated, my schooling, my work, and of course make sure Sadie has all the love & things she needs. Its not easy, but I know it can be done. I just have to have <3 HOPE <3...

Lots of thoughts, do they ever stop??

I have been doing a whole lot of thinking, especially since I have been home with my Sadie. Today, she is 6 weeks old. I cannot believe it. My time does really fly by. Soon, I will have to go and find work and someday go back to school. Scares the hell out of me, but I have to and I want to. I can't have Sadie when she is older look down upon me. I want to be a good example for her and I need to provide for her and working in a little store won't cut it. Besides, one day, I would love to meet a wonderful guy who accepts me and Sadie and I want to be able to say I made something of myself. I also hope that she understands why I did what I did and why "daddy" is not around. Nor would I ever call him that.

I think about the day I will have to leave her, I get upset because I just don't want to miss anything of her life but many mommies and daddies do it, its life. But I do see that when I return, it will make all our moments just as special and wanted.

Being I am living at home, I think, how am I going to get my own car, my own apartment, and be able to provide for her, diapers and wipes and toys and well I am pretty much set on her clothes but all of those nesscities for her. Then comes things for mommy like car payments (which I have never done, I am lucky I have so much help from my parents, but I want to be able to live and do it on my own, heck I am 23 for goodness sakes!) cell phone payments, rent, clothes, food, accessories for mommy too. I know there is alot to live and I want to be able to do it all, yet single parenting I KNOW is not easy. I am already feeling it. Yes living at home I have help but I do it all on my own pretty much. My mom offered several times to take her for a feeding or two at night in the beginning but I said no I got it. Yes I was extremely tired but thats what I craved for. After losing Naomi, I would have done anything to do what I am doing now. Thats what a mommmy does. And I am pretty darn proud of myself, I take such good care of my little girl.

Someday I just would like to be able to move out on my own with Sadie and have accomplished something too! I have a lot to do and work on but I am willing to do it for her and my sweetpea Naomi. She's rooting on her mama up there! I just do not know where to start, and I know it all does not come at once. I need to learn to cook too! I made a pact to myself i will give my little girl healthy food. I am not a junk eater nor do I care for fast food, and I want to have Sadie learn the importance of health, I just all in all want to be a great mother, simply like my mom. My mom and dad have done a wonderful job, and yet with all of this, I definitely see that parenting is the hardest yet most rewarding job in the world to have.

I love being a mommy both to my Naomi & Sadie. It is a lot of work but I would not change it for the world.

I also want to be organized! I want to have a picture album started for her, have all her pictures organized and loaded so I can and family and friends can see them. I want to have an album just for her halloween costumes and then a holiday one and all those fun in between things! I just have to figure out how to manage my time and all, something I am still learning, still need to try and get a little schedule too! Things are alot easier when there is a schedule involved I think! :)

I just had alot on my mind and I had to get it out, have a huge list of things to do, but have put it off for so long, if I can only do a few things each day I can get it all done!

Thought in a text...

The other night, I get a text from one of my good friends whom I met last year in the hospital after having Naomi. He texted me asking how Sadie was doing. I talk to him every now and then but not often. I paused for a minute and all these flashbacks came to me especially the ending of when I lost Naomi. I had been talking to him shortly in the hospital after I had told myself I was done with "the father of Naomi". He knew what was going on and even had known a lot and had police friends so had given me some advice while visiting Naomi. What came to mind was how that night I got the call and was in the NICU with my mom I started to text him and tell him Naomi wasnt going to make it. He was texting with me to relax and that she would be okay but I kept telling him no she wasn't going to be. He said he would come to see me after school or and when he would come to see his brother.

(His brother had a horrible thing happen to him around time I had Naomi and thats how I met him). But as it happened, I told him I lost her. And he surprised me and came up and was with my mom and I for a little bit and then went to be with his family. I remember him coming a few days before while Naomi was very sick and I took him up to meet her. She hadn't been opening her eyes and he tapped on her isolette and talked to her and he got her to open her eyes. I remember how I was "bummed" but in a happy way that he got her to and I couldn't. I kinda laughed it off, telling Naomi one day she will meet mommys good friend. Yet at that time I did start to like him.

I just cant believe its been all this time 17 months since I have lost my sweet baby girl. I did alot of crying yesterday, being she would be 18 months old. I hold Sadie alot and look at her and think would Naomi look like this, and the day when I have to tell Sadie she has a sister, but isnt physically here with us. Its going to be very difficult but something I have to do. I remember so much back then, especially after the fact I lost her, I was just overwhelmed with blur of things, I remember going to the ocean alot and I would see people and "hear them" but I wouldn't. It was all just there. I remember being rude to people, and I am NOT a rude person at all. I simply just miss her so much.

My, how time is just flying on by...

It has been a while before I have gotten a chance to update! I am such a busy & sleep deprived mommy but I absolutely love it and would not change anything for the world! Busy doing baby laundary, mama laundary, and between feedings and diaper changes and baths, and all that fun stuff, keeps me on my toes! Just wait until my little Sadie starts to crawl, now I think I am busy? Wait until then! I am oh so anxious for all of the "firsts" to start but then I get sad and think I won't ever get to see Naomi have this. But I know she is watching over and keeping a good eye on mama & her little sister.

A week or so ago, I had 2 incidents where Sadie stopped breathing while feeding and I had to swiftly pat her on the back a couple times to get her to breathe again, but it scared the CRAP out of me which had me shaken and in tears. How could I not? I did not like seeing her like that and I kept saying oh God please dont take this one away from me. I suffered enough already. So I made an appoinment for her pediatritions office because some of my friends thought maybe apnea or reflux. The on call dr there said to be on safe side to take her to the hospital for 24 hr admissions. Might I had, Sadie did NOT turn blue, but both times looked pale & once her eyes rolled back which freaked me out thought this is not good. So I took her to the hospital what a sad & scary time that was.

She had to get her vitals done, did not like the blood pressure cuff thingy, I had never seen such a tiny little cuff before! Then she had to get blood and urine done. They had to tie her little arm up just as they would a normal size patient and she screamed & cried, 2 nurses were in there helping and asked if I was okay, I had tears in my eyes and I started to cry I said no and they said I can step out while they do it. I did and cried more, but kept peaking in on her I HATED hearing her scream & cry and be in pain but it had to be done, I then came in when almost done and comforted her. They had her on with a gown that she was practically swimming in.

She did well tho, those whole 24 hrs they didn't see anything wrong on her tests or breathing or anything so could not say if it was apnea or reflux. We are now home and I have witnesses a little bit of spitups and well a few almost type gagging looks where she will open her mouth as if something is going to come up but doesnt. I got a voicemail this morning from her dr checking on her and wanted us to make an appointment this week to see her to check on weight gain and feedings so we will be going tomorrow morning at 8 am. I have a few questions on a few things so hopefully can get them answered.

Yesterday, I carved Sadie's first pumpkin. I was going to put both Sadie & Naomi's name on them but it didn't fit so I will be going back this week to get Naomi her very own. So far, things have been going well, I just cannot believe she is almost 6 weeks already. Time is going so fast! Sadie smiles so much now it is so cute and melts my heart. I like to think that it is Naomi whispering to her or talking to her that makes her smile.

I am anxious on whats to come & especially Christmas time, I will love to take her out on stroller rides to look at the lights and to sit on Santa's lap. But I do also think, in a few more months, I will have to start looking into working and schooling, which scares the hell out of me. I love being home with her but yet I know I have to support her, can't stay here forever. I just dont know exactly what I am going to do but I know in time it will all fall into place. I just am scared about where I will put her and I just dont want to miss anything in my little girls life! I love her & her big sister to pieces!

Baby Happenings :)

It has been wonderful being at home with a baby in my arms, to look at , to hold, to cherish every moment with her. I am so thankful to have made it, I did everything I believe in my power to bring home this baby. Yet, I feel guilty, guilty that my body still failed me, yes at a later stage, but why!? I don't get it. I am angered by it. What can a mom do to have a normal pregnancy? Nothing apparently. I for one, will never get that experience. If I *EVER* go on to have another one, it will be the same thing over again, all the worry and panic. But for now, and even forever, I would be happy and content with one little girlie here, and my sweetpea in Heaven, that I miss terribly.

I look alot at Sadie and ask myself is this what Naomi would look like at this age? Will Sadie grow up looking like Naomi would look like? I know I can't always think like that and have to look at Sadie as Sadie, but it is difficult. I have to work on that because it wouldn't be fair to her.

I though am kind of sad. I feel alone sometimes. That I don't have that perfect family, or "father" to share the joy of her being here. I refused to tell him she was here, but eventually did, but told him otherwise. I am really hoping that he will not come around and or serve me with court papers to fight for her, but I am READY, ready with every fiber in my body to fight for her custody and none visitation. I am going to do whatever it takes to protect my beautiful daughter. Would have done the same with Naomi. I think alot of all the pregnant moms who have happy husbands or boyfriends and me I feel alone. Yet I know I have so much support from friends and family but in the end, I am a single mother. I have to take my consequences. That is okay. I hope to one day, down the road, find someone who will accept me for me and my daughter, and maybe just maybe have another down the road. But who knows what in the future. I just hope to be a wonderful mom like my mom has been to me & teach this little girl all that I know. I want to make her proud.

Mama has to get things figured out soon, on schooling and work for the future. I want my daughters to be proud of me and so far I don't feel like I am of much worth. I want to succeed in life so I can have the same for my daughters. I don't want them looking at mommy as a failure. I just have been doing alot of thinking and I hope I can one day go back to school and do things right!


**My Beautiful sweet Naomi, how I miss you so much, I know you are continuing to watch over mommy & baby Sadie. I just wish there was a way I can see you one more time and hold you tight & never let you go**