Today, last year, I....

February 17 2010 was the day that I found out I was pregnant with my sweet rainbow baby Sadie!

I was not TTC (trying to conceive) again after my loss. But, I wasn't being careful like I should have. I was so in my grief and so distraught I was just not thinking straight, heck who is after going through such a traumatic loss? I wasn't feeling pregnant or anything like that but I knew I was late. I remember the last time I had gotten my monthly friend visit was December 17, exactly 2 months ago. That was the day we were flying to my grandmothers for Christmas, my sister and I. I remember getting a visit on the airplane from my lovely friend!

I had taken a few tests back in January but all was negative. So, instead of buying another test that I really didnt have money for, I decided to drive to this place called HOPE Pregnancy Center. I went by myself. I had been there previously before to confirm my pregnancy with Naomi. So I had to take a deep breathe before walking in there. I looked at the chairs, I remember where my friend and my mom sat with me in there, I remembered it.

I explained to them I thought I could be pregnant and had wanted to take a test. I filled out the form and circled I had been feeling nauseas and some what more tired. This place, is free of charge and helps out so many young girls and beyond. I remember being called back my a nice older woman and she explained how the test works, which I remembered again from being their last time.

She handed me a cup and I proceded to use the restroom. I was to come back with the cup and I would perform the test in the room with the lady. Talk about a bit awkard! She explained 1 line meant no, and two meant yes. I took the dropper and put two droplets into the little dot sized hole. I waited. I knew or I thought was going to be negative. I saw the first line appear very quickly and dark. I said while getting off the couch, okay, I am not pregnant I am good to go. She tells me, no, wait a minute.

I hear "no, theres another line there.". I said what? I had her repeat what she said. She said yeah go ahead and look. I looked, it was SO very faint, I thought no, I dont think so. And as we began to talk more, I would keep looking over in disbelief, and the lien eventually got darker. There were infact two lines there. I was pregnant. I was in shock, I cried. I explained to her my story & she and I talked and my views and what I would do. I then walked out with a paper confirmiing my pregnancy and sitting in the car just crying.

I was in a situation where I needed to cry. I couldn't do this to Naomi. How could I? What the hell were my parents going to say? What am I going to do? All these questions. I immediately called the "father" and told him. He didn't say much. I then spoke with my friend Kristin, and told her. I didnt rush to tell my best friend. I was afraid I guess of her reaction? I shouldn't have been especially how sweet and supporitve she had been.

I remember telling her a few very short weeks later at Starbucks. I ended up getting a decaf coffee and she thought I had been acting weird. I then finally broke the news to her. She was shocked . And was concerned but she was most importantly, there for me.

And the rest was history. I did not think I would have a successful pregnancy after loss. How could I think positively after all that had happened? But I was wrong. There is HOPE out there.I also had a beautiful angel, watching over mommy and her sister. And I am that face of HOPE. I am just about to retread back to bed and go marvel at my now 5 month old baby girl.(Yet, I remember this day a year ago like it was YESTERDAY!) THANK GOD she is here, alive and well!

What is a WUBBANUB?

Check the link below to find out and view this amazing blog!

http://stealsdealsandheels.blogspot.com/

So much to do so little time...& ramblings!

I am a list writer. A HUGE list writer. I must write the same things on like three different pieces of paper over and over again. I will cross one thing off that was done and add like 10 more things. Its little thiings too but they all just add up! Drives me nuts sometimes. I am not even working or in school YET, and, I think I am losing my mind now? Wait til then!

I have my Preeclampsia quilt square to come up with and get sent out BY March 1st. I thought I had a design already in mind, but now, I am not so sure. I don't know just yet. My mom went out and got some nicknacks for it, but I don't want to just throw it together. This is something very special to me, and I need to make it right and perfect. A woman on the preeclampsia foundation is making this quilt with our squares and it will be auctioned off at one of the Saving Grace gala's! I am excited. Which speaking of that, that is also on my list, I would LOVE to attend the gala, because one, it is in NYC, where i was born, well Long Island was where I was born, but I have not been back since I was 9 months old or so. I would love to see NY. More importantly, I would love love love to see and finally meet some of the woman I have "met" and kept in contact with from the forums, I hold them all very close and dear to my heart, especially Laura, Ashley, and Erica. I am quite close to the 3 of them from afar. It would be amazing. So that is on my list to look into!

A fantastic note to share, my team for March of Dimes, Spider's Hope, has MADE IT TO OUR GOAL of $1000 and its not even into March yet, we stll have until April 30th! I am so very excited, greatful and pleased by ALL those who donated and who are going to come out and walk with us in April. Means the world to me. I just wish Naomi knew, how loved she is with all the other babies born too soon. This is for her and all of them. I get sad tho thinking about it, but yet I am happy because we are doing great for to help out. I met my dear friend Holly yesterday, with her niece and sister with Sadie to plan ideas for the shirts. It was so nice to meet her yet so so sad, she lost her dear baby boy after 3 months of living, being born too early from severe preeclampsia. What a sweet baby boy she has, that is now holding hands with my dear Naomi.

I also owe money to a few people and need to get a double stroller, Sadie's pictures done, and mommy so badly needs more clothing BUT I am waiting until I can drop my last 10 or so lbs. I also need to get a picture book or scrapbook started, or I am going to be WAY behind. I want all of Sadie's picture developed but that would cost a LOT of money, that I do not have right now. So that will have to wait. But I really want it going. Or I may just have to pick out my favorite pictures from each month or so and figure out something!

I am So SO so upset, about something. But I cannot go backwards unfornately. HOW in the world, after my loss of Naomi, and what I went through and continue to, not get professional newborn pictures of Sadie?!? It kills me. I know I didnt have the money, but I could have so easily asked to borrow some from my parents, or best friend, or anyone and make a payment plan. But I didn't. And I see and hear of all these 'rainbow mamas' getting theirs done and I think what the heck was wrong with me? Yes I have pictures of her from then but not professional sweet poses of her. I can NEVER get those back. I know she would have made beautiful pictures. Ugh, but I cant go back. Nor did I get maternity photos done, which upsets me greatly, but I guess what matters the most, is that Sadie is here safe and sound. My best friend did get me a giftcard to get her pictures professionally done, she is now 5 months old, not newborn anymore, so I should get them done while she is still "little" .

One more thing to add! I was watching Inside Edition with my mom and grandma tonight and with the babies, and they spoke about a story, Christina Applegate had her baby girl after battling breast cancer. They introduced her: Sadie Grace! My mom and I both looked at each other and said "aweee!" So sweet. Its funny, because I googled the story on my phone, and came up to comments on the story about the name "Sadie". Alot liked it, but others, also said that it is a dog's name. Yikes. When my dad mentioned it to me in the hospital after I had her, thats what I thought too, but I cant picture her having another name, i really do love her name, maybe Sadie is coming back!? A very warm and happy congrats to Christina and her family and welcome to the world baby Sadie Grace!

Somebody turned 5 months old today!

Okay, just as a fellow mama told me, she needs to stop growing TOO fast. Oh my, I officially have a 5 month old today! I cannot believe it. Time has flown WAY too fast. I can't believe it. Before I know it, she is going to be a walkin and talkin and sassin mama back little girl! Ha. I cannot wait, yet I CAN, to see what she looks like at that age. God, I love her more each and every day. Until I was a mother, starting with Naomi, I never knew so much love for one little human being existed. I look at her big baby smile, her laughs, her every movement, and I thank God for her. She is my light, my world, my everything, keeps me going. Yet I never forget her big sister, I KNOW Naomi sent her to me and made sure of it. I love both of my girls so so much.

At 5 months old Sadie is now:

* developing her own little personality. It is so darn cute.
* she is definitely more aware of things, look all around, is interested in "Blues Clues" gets her legs a kickin watching Steve and Blue!
* starting to roll on her side, any day now she will be turning over, oh my!
* has been putting her hands in her mouth for maybe 2-3 weeks now, wondering if little teethers will be surfacing soon!
* smiles oh so much now at everything, definitely notices her mama, grandma and other usual faces!
*marlves at her hands! My mom says I have to get that on video before she stops it! She will hold her hands in front of her and just move them in certain ways, and will have a puzzled sort of look on her face, like hey, these are mine, they move, I control them, TOO CUTE!
*behaviorlly, has def gotten alot better
* still doesn't nap very much, takes small 30 min naps here and there, got an hr today or so, proud of her!
* does not sleep through the night, but it has happend TWICE. So I know she is capable of doing so, just have to work on it. She sleeps in her little swing type thing almost, around 8 falls asleep and wakes up around 12-2, I get her and bring her back with me in bed til the morning. I will be having crib transitioned into there, so I will try her in crib. We shall see how that works!
* she is starting to laugh more! oh my! It is the cutest thing ever! She was sitting with my grandma today and found her so funny and had a good couple laughs, my dad ended up seeing her laugh for the FIRST time, made me a happy mama!
* She notices a bit more her cousin Jimmy, and our dog, Tucker!
*loves having a little blanket to hold and play with and keep her sleeping
*eats baby cereal once every few days, she doesnt like it much, I tried bananas in it like my mom suggested, mashed up, and she seemed to like that more so I may do that so she can start eating cereal every day!
*Isnt so hard to get down for the night anymore or naps. She will fall asleep while breastfeeding for a nap, then I will quiely lay her down, and she stays down for a good 30 minutes. I remember she used to wake up when I would lay her down, not so much anymore! She is improving, my big little girl!

Here is to 5 months and going strong! This next month, in March, she has another follow up with kidney doctor and more testing. She has fluid in her kidneys, which when I was pregnant they found it there and it stayed until delivery, and they are watching it and running tests to see whats going on. Its called renal pelvic dilation. I worry, I hope it will resolve on its own and that nothing drastically will have to be done. So I am wondering what will happen in the first week of March for that apt! Will keep updated on that! Please pray things go well!

Pretty Pretty Princess!

I had been against getting Sadie's ears piereced for so long. I was annoyed with everyone asking me "when are you going to get them piereced?". I thought it would be better or more exciting for her to ask me when she is older to have them done. But lately, I would look at her and keep saying how pretty would she look with them done!?

This morning I went to Khols to use my Khols cash that my mom had given to me to use. There was an expiration date on it so I had to hurry up before it passed or "my mom would be very mad" she told me. Because she would have used it on herself, but like always, thinks of her children before herself. I find myself doing the SAME, I always know I could get more things but I end up purchasing for Sadie instead :).

With the $, I picked out two shirts for mama (buy one get one FREE) just regular t shirts that I needed, black & white! Funny how I am excited to wear a plain t shirt, but I am VERY low in clothing. Mama needs a new wardrobe make over , BIG TIME. But again, I keep getting for my little girlie. My mom gets mad when I do that, she has lots of clothes, but its so hard they are all so darn cute! I ended up also finding such a beautiful Eastery type dress. I have a $100 gift card from my best friend I still need to use to take professional pictures of Sadie and I thought how perfect will that be to see her in that dress! I also got another cute outfit for her, OTHER THAN PINK :) and sockies she needed!

I got home and it hit me, I am going to call, I realized I had the money to do it, and I called and they had an opening for 2:45 pm, I TOOK IT! I kept telling my little sweetheart over and over again how sorry mommy was but that she was going to look so pretty, not that she doesn't already! I had KNOTS in my stoamch the whole time, after I paid and was sitting and waiting to be called, I was so close to getting up and leaving. I couldn't see her in tears! But I said, she will be okay, SO many babies get it done.

The nurse took her temp, then had me lay her down, and put two dots on her ears to where the earrings would be placed. She did a perfect job on that! Even the doctor commented on it! Here she came, I was all ready to start to cry. She asked if I wanted to hold or a nurse, I hesisted for a few seconds, and then I said I can hold her. She said the mommies usually are crying longer than the babies! Well, 1, 2 and 3 and it was done! She made a little ity bity sound and that was IT. I was so ready for her to start screaming after the 1st one, that is when they usually realize it she said. But nope! My little girl was a TROOPER! Made me so happy!

Right after that, I met up with a wonderful dear friend of mine. I "met" her on the preeclampsia website through forums and had found out she lived locally to me! I have met others but they are out of state that I am quite close with from afar. We exchanged emails and numbers and talked alot and on the phone. What a sweet woman she is. Hearing yet another story, broke my heart. Our babies were born in the same month of April but a year apart. We will be walking this April for our babies together, with LOTS of family and friends. We met up for the first time today at the local Yogurtland, with her sister and niece. She showed me her book of her sweet son Benji. He is such a precious and handsome little baby boy. It brought me to tears, and more after we left each other.

It saddens me so much, how much and how often that this really strikes women. But makes me happy how we are helping to do something about it. God Bless this woman and so many others & families out there! <3

Happy Valentine's Day!

All dolled up in pink, red and white
add a pink bright bow, what an adorable sight!

Love between a Mother & a Daughter exists in a special place
I look forward to having her in my warm & loving embrace.

Sadie is my Valentine, my one and only one.
I love her to pieces, under the moon, stars & the sun!

I had a very special day at home, with my sweet little girl
seeing her smile, squeal, and laugh, she makes my entire world!

I made it .

Yes. I made it. Come to think of it, I have not been to a little ones birthday party since Naomi passed away. I had been invited to friends kids birthday parties, but I wasn't ready to go. My friend Anne had came over 3 weeks ago and invited me to her daughter Mia's birthday party. She gave me the cutest invitation. It was on photo print paper, and had her daughter on it with elmo. Super cute. I saved that.

I thought there is no way that I can't not go. Her and her husband have been so great to me. I remember them coming with 2 month old Mia when I was so very sick in the hospital, after having Naomi, with a huge laudary basket for a baby girl, FULL of the necessities. They also showered me with gifts before Sadie was born, again in the hospital. I had known her husband since middle school because we rode the bus together. She, is a year old than I tho, but I met her as well in highschool.

So I went to her birthday this afternoon. At first, seeing a few little ones arrive, got me a bit teary eyed and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle it all. I kept thinking, Naomi will be two. What would Naomi look like? Yet, I was holding a piece of her in my arms, her sister. I had to grab my necklace & kiss it. Soon, so many others arrived, s few other babies were there as well, in paticular, an 8 month old girl came, and her mom and I hit it off, was really sweet and we chatted most of the time and she even helped me a few times.

Earlier, I had been sitting outside and a family friend of my friend asked from a far, but really loudly "IS SHE YOUR FIRST!?!?". I noticed my friend Anne was looking at me a little bit from a far and I knew she had heard her, and for maybe 10 seconds, I stared off in lala land and my eyes were begining to fill up with tears. I should have KNOWN people would ask that damn question. I KNOW TO NEVER ASK, EVER. But anyways, I got up, and went over to her. I did not want to yell all of that back to her. So I went over and explained. She said, she was sorry. Then, bless her, but she told me she developed pre E , at term, at 37 weeks and then they said that was it. She said she didnt want to deal with any of that and some other things. I just didn't like the way she went about it and spoke about it.

Knowing I went through a loss and still am, forever will be, and had it again, but further on with Sadie. Ugh, some people. They just dont know. But otherwise, I had a very nice time at the party. Sadie was very well behaved, everyone commented on how well she was behaved and how beautiful she was. Made me smile. I know my little girl is beautiful, not just because she is mine, but I would definietly marvel from afar if I had seen her as well as being a stranger! :)

Just a few minutes ago, I happened to catch a few comments on an old highschool friends page on FB. I was like, no way. Really? Turns out, she is pregnant, again. Honestly, she's gotta be the 11th or so I know now that is pregnant. It is going around, it always seems to be! She has a 2 or 3 year old little girl. She found out apparently a day or two ago. So, she must be a few weeks along if that. And here some friends are always talking about "oh I cant wait to find out what you are having, and oh play dates this and that". OF COURSE I DO NOT want anything bad to happen to this girl, I do NOT wish the pain of loss on any mother. But, I just can't help but pick out so many that are I guess naive about it all? I can only pray for her. I just being in the loss community, I know ALL too well all that can go wrong. They automatically think, a positive pregnancy test equals a baby being brought home in 9 months in your arms. Um, no, not in my world it doesnt anymore.

The other day, I was walking, and I thought to myself. Out of my "class" and friends in highschool, I would say I am the only one that had a baby prematurely, and had her pass away. Me. Jill Marish. Why ME? WHY ME? I kept asking over and over and over again in my head like a broken record. What did I do to deserve it? No one is perfect but god, how my heart is for children, it just kills me.