Thursday, February 17, 2011
February 17 2010 was the day that I found out I was pregnant with my sweet rainbow baby Sadie!
I was not TTC (trying to conceive) again after my loss. But, I wasn't being careful like I should have. I was so in my grief and so distraught I was just not thinking straight, heck who is after going through such a traumatic loss? I wasn't feeling pregnant or anything like that but I knew I was late. I remember the last time I had gotten my monthly friend visit was December 17, exactly 2 months ago. That was the day we were flying to my grandmothers for Christmas, my sister and I. I remember getting a visit on the airplane from my lovely friend!
I had taken a few tests back in January but all was negative. So, instead of buying another test that I really didnt have money for, I decided to drive to this place called HOPE Pregnancy Center. I went by myself. I had been there previously before to confirm my pregnancy with Naomi. So I had to take a deep breathe before walking in there. I looked at the chairs, I remember where my friend and my mom sat with me in there, I remembered it.
I explained to them I thought I could be pregnant and had wanted to take a test. I filled out the form and circled I had been feeling nauseas and some what more tired. This place, is free of charge and helps out so many young girls and beyond. I remember being called back my a nice older woman and she explained how the test works, which I remembered again from being their last time.
She handed me a cup and I proceded to use the restroom. I was to come back with the cup and I would perform the test in the room with the lady. Talk about a bit awkard! She explained 1 line meant no, and two meant yes. I took the dropper and put two droplets into the little dot sized hole. I waited. I knew or I thought was going to be negative. I saw the first line appear very quickly and dark. I said while getting off the couch, okay, I am not pregnant I am good to go. She tells me, no, wait a minute.
I hear "no, theres another line there.". I said what? I had her repeat what she said. She said yeah go ahead and look. I looked, it was SO very faint, I thought no, I dont think so. And as we began to talk more, I would keep looking over in disbelief, and the lien eventually got darker. There were infact two lines there. I was pregnant. I was in shock, I cried. I explained to her my story & she and I talked and my views and what I would do. I then walked out with a paper confirmiing my pregnancy and sitting in the car just crying.
I was in a situation where I needed to cry. I couldn't do this to Naomi. How could I? What the hell were my parents going to say? What am I going to do? All these questions. I immediately called the "father" and told him. He didn't say much. I then spoke with my friend Kristin, and told her. I didnt rush to tell my best friend. I was afraid I guess of her reaction? I shouldn't have been especially how sweet and supporitve she had been.
I remember telling her a few very short weeks later at Starbucks. I ended up getting a decaf coffee and she thought I had been acting weird. I then finally broke the news to her. She was shocked . And was concerned but she was most importantly, there for me.
And the rest was history. I did not think I would have a successful pregnancy after loss. How could I think positively after all that had happened? But I was wrong. There is HOPE out there.I also had a beautiful angel, watching over mommy and her sister. And I am that face of HOPE. I am just about to retread back to bed and go marvel at my now 5 month old baby girl.(Yet, I remember this day a year ago like it was YESTERDAY!) THANK GOD she is here, alive and well!