Butterfly World, Eight Months, and Baby Fever, say what!?

How was your weekend? What did you do?

My friend Kylee suggested we go to .She knows of my obsession with butterflies and she had never been. We had both heard the weather wasn't going to be the best but there was not a cloud in the sky. Since Sadie had woken up from her nap, I thought, why not, lets go while it looks good. It was about a 25 minute drive. We got there and we went in and I was just floored. It was beautiful. There were butterflies EVERYWHERE, huge ones and little ones. The one that really caught my eye was the sky blue colored ones, there were like 3 of them together flying around and they were the hugest butterflies I had ever seen. Sadie was just watching them fly around. We walked through there and see all the different butterflies and beautiful flower and plant trees they had. They had music playing and at first I wanted to cry but I was okay afterwards. I associate butterflies with Naomi, everytime I would see one, I would think its her coming to say hello. I particually like the bright yellow ones and associate them with her more so, I think because she always wore her yellow hat in the NICU. It was just a very nice time and I would love to go back again and especially when Sadie is a little older and would really be taken back my all of it. I told her "we are going to go see sissy and all of her friends"! I just went on the site and read about how it came about, pretty interesting, you should take a look!

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Look at me now I am EIGHT months today, Can't you see I am ready to play? Reaching for mommy & pulling myself up, I am a cutie, Yup! Yup! Yup!

I can't believe yet another month has flown on by! Four more months, and my little girl will be ONE, Holy SMOKES!

Each and every day, her little personality continues to shine on through! Its so cute! The things she does at EIGHT months old are:

*she sits up fully on her own now! Has no problem with her balance really and I find it cute but weird to come and get her from naps or in the morning seeing her sitting up like a big girl!

*JUST recently, a day or two ago, has now figured out how to pull herself up, on a box or in her crib OR on mama! Its so cute. She is a little rascal! And is still so little yet short, just like her mama!

* Reaches out for me when I go to pick her up, cutest thing ever!

*Also is starting to babble and baby talk more. bababa and mamama! Cute!

*The other day she started this "cough" thing. Its SO funny! My nephew does it too. Its like a "fake" attention cough type of thing, and yet my mom or I will do it and she will copy. Too funny!! Where do they get this from!?

*ANDDDD, TODAY, well Yesterday (since its midnight now!) I came home from an outing and my mom had Sadie and happened to do "patty cake" with her and kept saying "patty cake patty cake" and would just clap her own hands and SADIE STARTED DOING IT! Its sooo cute! My mom laughed because of her face when she claps her hands. I got a short video on it too! I will certainly share !

*Its amazing all the little things and developments they have. She was born 5 weeks early and seems to have no problems at all, right on target! Thats my girl!

Here is her EIGHT month old "picture"!
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Baby Fever. Yes, I said it. I have ALWAYS loved loved loved babies and children, since I was a little one, well like the age of 12 or so. I am the oldest of four, and have helped with my siblings, babysat for SEVERAL family's children, worked in a daycare for 9 months, and most recently, was a nanny for 2 small little ones. I loved it. Kids are my world and where I belong. Well, as I have never seen or known so many mamams (blms's) and friends who are pregnant, or have just gave birth. I can't help but seeing them and missing being pregnant, all makes me want more! BUT, there are things in the way obv!

1) I just had my sweet Sadie, well feels like yesterday, but she is only 8 months old. And I have to enjoy my time with her while shes little!
2) There needs to be TWO to make a baby, right? And well, I am a single mother. Yes, mam I am! I am also NO where near having another baby, and thats been on my mind lately, too much actually, I even had a dream the other day I was pregnant! YIKES! I am afraid I won't meet the right guy who will accept Sadie and I or will want more children one day. BUT, if not, I am perfectly okay with just my little Sadie, and angel Naomi up in Heaven. I always did say I wanted 2 or 3 kiddies but if this is God's Plan, so be it.
3) I will be starting school in August and I want to graduate with that, (10 months), and be out of my parents home. Yes I realize that will probably be 1-2 years from now, or even longer, but I am willing to wait. I have to be financialy stable as well.

I just love being pregnant, minus the huge worries if I will get preeclampsia again or any other thing that may rise up. I have learned, a positive pregnancy test does not mean a baby in the end. Sadly, I know it all too well. And also, I did have severe preeclampsia TWICE, so I would be risking myself yet again and another babys life IF I decide to get pregnant again.

This is just been on my mind, but alot has to happen before I can go ahead and go for another one, HUGE things. I want to be married, be financially stable and have a job/finished school. I would love to have a little sibling for Sadie one day, and maybe by 5/6 years old so that way shed be mommy's helper! :)

Baby Fever...on HOLD PLEASE but not forever! :)

Pretty Pretty Princess!

I had been against getting Sadie's ears piereced for so long. I was annoyed with everyone asking me "when are you going to get them piereced?". I thought it would be better or more exciting for her to ask me when she is older to have them done. But lately, I would look at her and keep saying how pretty would she look with them done!?

This morning I went to Khols to use my Khols cash that my mom had given to me to use. There was an expiration date on it so I had to hurry up before it passed or "my mom would be very mad" she told me. Because she would have used it on herself, but like always, thinks of her children before herself. I find myself doing the SAME, I always know I could get more things but I end up purchasing for Sadie instead :).

With the $, I picked out two shirts for mama (buy one get one FREE) just regular t shirts that I needed, black & white! Funny how I am excited to wear a plain t shirt, but I am VERY low in clothing. Mama needs a new wardrobe make over , BIG TIME. But again, I keep getting for my little girlie. My mom gets mad when I do that, she has lots of clothes, but its so hard they are all so darn cute! I ended up also finding such a beautiful Eastery type dress. I have a $100 gift card from my best friend I still need to use to take professional pictures of Sadie and I thought how perfect will that be to see her in that dress! I also got another cute outfit for her, OTHER THAN PINK :) and sockies she needed!

I got home and it hit me, I am going to call, I realized I had the money to do it, and I called and they had an opening for 2:45 pm, I TOOK IT! I kept telling my little sweetheart over and over again how sorry mommy was but that she was going to look so pretty, not that she doesn't already! I had KNOTS in my stoamch the whole time, after I paid and was sitting and waiting to be called, I was so close to getting up and leaving. I couldn't see her in tears! But I said, she will be okay, SO many babies get it done.

The nurse took her temp, then had me lay her down, and put two dots on her ears to where the earrings would be placed. She did a perfect job on that! Even the doctor commented on it! Here she came, I was all ready to start to cry. She asked if I wanted to hold or a nurse, I hesisted for a few seconds, and then I said I can hold her. She said the mommies usually are crying longer than the babies! Well, 1, 2 and 3 and it was done! She made a little ity bity sound and that was IT. I was so ready for her to start screaming after the 1st one, that is when they usually realize it she said. But nope! My little girl was a TROOPER! Made me so happy!

Right after that, I met up with a wonderful dear friend of mine. I "met" her on the preeclampsia website through forums and had found out she lived locally to me! I have met others but they are out of state that I am quite close with from afar. We exchanged emails and numbers and talked alot and on the phone. What a sweet woman she is. Hearing yet another story, broke my heart. Our babies were born in the same month of April but a year apart. We will be walking this April for our babies together, with LOTS of family and friends. We met up for the first time today at the local Yogurtland, with her sister and niece. She showed me her book of her sweet son Benji. He is such a precious and handsome little baby boy. It brought me to tears, and more after we left each other.

It saddens me so much, how much and how often that this really strikes women. But makes me happy how we are helping to do something about it. God Bless this woman and so many others & families out there! <3

Super Slammin Saturday!

Those 3 words pretty much sum up my day: Super Slammin Saturday! I haven't had a great day like this in a long time. I mise well enjoy my "freedom" while it lasts. Before I know it, I will be way over my head busy in school, and I, cannot wait. I am excited!

This morning, I woke up with miss Sadie around 9:30 to her babling away, she talks mostly in the morning, but never talks like that during the day. Its too cute and funny. I'll have to get on learning my video camera to catch some of it!! I fed her, hopped in the shower (and let me remind you I am never quick to jump in the shower first thing. It takes me a while to wake up and be up for the day!) But I did and it got me feeling awake & fresh!

I made a healthy bowl of oatmeal, with walnuts, raisins and cut up bananas! It was quite filling too. I am trying today again to do well with eating wise. I don't eat too much but its those darn sweets that do it to me! I then ran out with Sadie to the bank & Target. I picked up a gift for my friend Anne's daughter, a little dress, who had a birthday party tomorrow! She LOVES Elmo. Elmo is going to be in attendance and they live down the next neighborhood from us. They have been so giving and kind to me, with Naomi, and Sadie, came to visit me in hospital both times with my girls. So theres no question in my mind, I must go. I was in the asile with the cards and was trying to decide on what "2" year old card to get, then I saw the perfect one. You guessed it! ELMO. As I was looking at it in my hand, all of a sudden, my eyes got filled with tears.

Naomi would be two I remembered in 2.5 more months. I should be picking out a card for her. I quickly gathered the card, grabbed 2 First baby Valentine cards & went out of that asile. I thought it would be cute to get my nephew a 1st card, so I will be sure to drop that off sometime tomorow for him. I also, came upon a FLORIDA MARLINS pink onsie set (2) and I flipped over price and just HAD to get it. I used to be a HUGE fan of the Marlins back a few years ago but then stopped. I figure, I gotta try and root for them this year and get miss Sadie into them! :) So I can't wait to see her in that, and I happened to get 6 to 9 month size, so by that time, they will be in full play and she will fit into them! I am excited!

Finished up the rest of my shopping and ran on home so Sadie can nap. She happened to nap only 30 minutes, silly girl. She does pretty well with no napping. She must be a baby that doesn't need much sleep. Grandfather may be right, she may happen to like the night life, OH MAMA IS IN TROUBLE. ;) I then realized it was going on almost 3 o clock so I had to gather us all up again and meet at Starbucks with a friend.

I happened to text her the other night asking her how she is and we haven't really spoken in a LONG time. She texted back how weird it was that I texted her, that I had been on her mind too! So we ended up making plans to meet for a little. She is a few years younger than I am but a very sweet girl. I met her back 5 years ago, at Renfrew. I went to an eating disorder clinic for 2 weeks back then and happend to find out she lived right in the same town I did! We had a good time outside and she kept commenting on how well Sadie was behaving and how gorgeous she was. Made me a happy mama!

From there, I had plans to meet with my best friend to Color Me Mine. My mom and sister went there a few months ago. It is a pottery type place, you pick an object and paint it and then they fire it up and you pick it up a week later. My mom thought it was very neat and she ended up getting my best friend and I a certificate at Christmas to use. I was a bit weary of taking Sadie with us. My mom offered when she is off to watch her so my best friend and I can go. But, I enjoy taking Sadie places and she was VERY well behaved. I saw alot of people in there and was worried that she wouldn't do so well, but she did! No one would ever notice a baby was in there! My best friend picked out a CUPCAKE :) she did a beautiful job. I can't wait to see it finished all glazed up! I will be sure to post pics when she gets it back!

I happened to pick out a very special thing. It is a surprise tho! I wasn't able to finish it, due to me having to hold Sadie sometimes, I didn't want to mess it up. So I was able to take it home with me, and will go back later this month to finish it. So mine will take somet time, but like I said its very special and I want it to look nice. Oh! On the way when we were almost done, I said "boo!" to Sadie a good couple of times. And she started LAUGHING. My best friend has never heard her laugh. Sadie doesnt laugh every day but every couple days. And I think yesterday I forgot that I had made her laugh by saying "boo!". But this one was just ONGOING. Oh it made me so happy . I was grinning from ear to ear! I love that little girl so much. I have really got to figure out how to work my new video camera. Ive got to get it on camera! Music to my ears!

So it was apporaching 7pm, I thought I gotta get this little girly into bed soon. We were both starving. She didn't have any plans for the rest of the night so we ran up to the mall and got chicken and rice and beans and brocolli and brought it home with us. I was able to put her to bed and we had girl time, ate, and watched episodes of Cupcake Wars! I think its a neat show. It reminded me, I wanna find a recipe to make for my dad. His birthday is coming up, March 2nd! With me now being confident enough, I wanna actually make something! He loves Key Lime Pie. I am not a fan, but for him, he sure is! We looked up Key Lime Cupcakes and found such a cute one, but has a LOT of steps to it. My best friend, is too sweet, she offered to come over and help me make them. I don't think we will need all 24 of them, so she said she would take some to her work with her! I am excited to make those!

While we were watching TV, I happened to get up a few times to check on Sadie sleeping. I just had this gut feeling, she wasn't okay. But I went in and looked at her closely and she is fine. I then did it once more before she left and I came back and my friend thought I maybe heard her. I explained, that I didn't. But that I can't help myself but I am always worried, I feel like she will die in her sleep, SIDS, or something else. I told her I picture myself falling to the ground in HYSTERICS crying. I lost Naomi, she died, doesn't mean nothing won't happen to my little Sadie. And at that moment, I just felt like CRYING hysterically. I can't help but feel that way. I pray to God that it wont ever happen, but, because I am a bereaved mother, nothing is far from not happening. I just can't explain how I felt. I still feel it. But I can't really let it out right now. I love both my girls SO much. A mother's love is simply unexplainable yet the BEST FEELING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD <3

Firsts for baby Sadie ! Now the fun begins...

Yesterday, mama tried Beachnut cereal/oatmeal with Sadie for the first time. It was so very cute, she made the usual baby first expressions with it but did pretty well! She ate a couple bites then was a bit fussy so I decided I will stop and nurse her.

I can't believe I have come to the point now to where it is time to actually feed her baby food and things, how exciting & the fun begins! Messy messy times! It just seems like yesterday she were home from the hospital, eating like a baby bird from the tiniest bottles! Oh how my baby is growing! oh! And I also tried carrots with her later on in the day and she liked them! I was surprised! :)

Around 5 o clock last night, I took Sadie for a walk our usual route is the park and then home. So I decided to stop at the swings & I took her out and she sat on mama's lap and we sung for a few minutes. She was a little scared at first but then mama slowed down and we got off and went to the baby swing, (more her type! ;) and well I stood there hesitantly looking to her and then the swing a good 5 times! I wasn't sure if she would go in or not, she just looked so small to me. (But yes in some pictuers she does look big, I just think its the camera ;) but well I thought I will try it! I put her in and she was kind of like "uh mom what is this!?" I pushed her a little but then she ended up getting cranky and then slid on down, so she still has a little more growing to do then she will be able to sit up like a big girl!

This is the best picture I could get! With her fussing when "mom thought oh I better get my phone out for this! Since it was her first time in baby swing at the park!" When my phone would finally take the picture, Sadie's head was turned!

Side note: Naomi would have been 21 months yesterday! :( miss you baby girl OH so much & love you with all of my heart. I have got to start planning and working on the March of Dimes, her birthday (April), and the preeclampsia quilt design!

Oh! Today 1/28/11 I put Sadie down for a nap 2 hrs after waking up, because I noticed she was fussy and I thought let me give it a try. So I nursed her and she fell asleep and I quietly laid her down & stepped out of the room. I thought WOW! She didn't wake up for once and start crying. I go to my mom "watch, in 10 minutes shes going to wake up and start crying." But she DIDNT! She slept for an HOUR! I was so happy. Now, let me explain. For a good few weeks, I had been having difficulty getting her to nap. She would usually fall asleep while feeding and I would lay her down, and she would just end up waking up again screaming and crying, I would try and let her cry it out a little and soothe herself back to sleep, but it wouldnt happen and or I would just go pick her up becasue my heart couldn't take it.

I thought what the heck is wrong with me? Why can't I get her to nap? She always just fell asleep and would wake up as soon as I put her down. I would get frustrated because I know she is still a little baby, and NEEDS her sleep. I do not want her to get sick on me. I know babies and toddlers get sick, but I wanna keep it away as long as I can! We all know sleep is very important. So I belong to this group "Rainbow babies" on facebook and I decided let me ask a question and explain what has been going on with her. And I got a LOT of wonderful feedback, some mommies told me about some boks and some just told me what they do. Like this one mom said she usually puts her baby down 2 hrs after waking up for the morning nap (which sounds pretty good) and then after that waking, maybe 3 or so hrs for afternoon nap.

So I thought I will give it a try. I also have been having a LOT of difficulty at night with her. I thought 5 or 6 was too early for a baby to go down "for the night". My sister does that with her son, and some other mommies start "the routine" then too. So I thought, hm maybe its not too early afterall? But Sadie would cry and cry and just would not go to bed until 9;30 on the dot. She would do the same thing at bedtime as nap time. I would feed her til shes full and she would fall asleep and of course just cry and cry. Now, I did just wake up from a 2 hr nap with her, (she naps SO well on me-but I just cannot nap with her everyday. I wish I can, but mommy has to get things done sometimes!) But she laid on me while I laid in bed and I just have my arm over her and we both sleep in peace!

So with two good naps in today, I am going to see how tonight works with her bedtime to see if having her nap well during the day helps get her easier to sleep at night? Because maybe by night time she is just WAY beyond tired, and I have read that overly tired babies have a hard time sleeping or getting to sleep. I am crossing my fingers for this. I just want to be a good mommy to her, I know I am, but I just wanna be able to figure out whats causing her to cry & cry like this :(. If this doesn't work, my mom suggested calling into her doctor to explain whats going on to see if she would recommend anything else or if something could be possibly wrong. :( I sure hope not.

NICU visit, & then some...

Yesterday, I went to visit my friend whom I met during my stay in the hospital 3 weeks ago. I had told her I would visit her a few days ago, but kept putting it off. I really did not want to go into a NICU again even tho I had been a couple months after losing Naomi. I finally tho, decided to go, to be there for her, it is not an easy job. I met up with her and we walked into her baby's room. I was amazed, I SO wish Naomi had been born there. They have their own very private rooms! So she can be with her own baby, 24/7, has a couch in there to sleep on, it was just so nice. I was able to touch her son, remembered all the precautions that had to be taken, washing hands, I remember and did it all. Seeing the very less tubes tho on him, reminded me of Naomi. His movements reminded me of Naomi, the way he was sleeping on his belly reminded me of Naomi. That was her favorite position, and well mommys too that I just thought she was oh so cute as she slept!

We both talked about our experiences and how when pree comes, it comes and gets you quick! It makes me so angry about it, that word will just haunt me forever & ever. I tell her how everytime I find out a friend is pregnant or has a headache, I quickly tell her to watch bp, and watch for these signs. It is no joke. But I am glad I went to see her. I had wanted to cry several times but did not want to scare her or upset her. She knows, it is a rollercoaster in there. One day good news, the next bad and on and on. I just am praying for that baby to continue his journey and hopefully by the end of September, he will get to go home!

On another note, I just am amazed, at how far I have come. I just was reading my journal entries on when I lost Naomi, months after, talking about not wanting to llive and just my memories of me screaming and crying and calling her name, and being in bed for days and weeks on end, depressed, not eating, sleeping all day, just crying and wanting to be all alone. I still have my days, but those days are alot less than before. I still look at my sweet Naomis pictures and think, I cannot believe I had her, and within a month, was taken from me. But I am very thankful I had gotten to meet her and spend those weeks with her.

So far, this pregnancy, is going well. I know my Naomi is watching over the both of us. I have had several signs from her, I believe she is all around. I have made it to 30+ weeks, 5 days, it seems odd saying that, I am not used to it. I am just hoping and praying it continues that way, but I know and am ready for anything to change. I am watching myself like a hawk! I try and picture myself holding this little girlie, but I just can't. I don't know how I am going to feel, I know overwhelmed with emotions. I just know I will be an emotional mess, but thankful to meet Naomi's little sister. May all go well and continue this way, and for all the other mommies out there, I PRAY FOR YOU ALL AS WELL.

The next couple of days will be filled with birthday celebrations, my mom's is tomorrow, mine is on Friday, and then on TUESDAY is the big day. I will be having a 4D ultrasound done by my doctor's office, I CANNOT wait to see my little girl. I haven't gotten much of a peek of her, so I am hoping she will be cooperative! My best friend and 2 other friends will probably be joirning me as well. AND my sister is 38 weeks, 39 on friday, and is due anytime now, so these next few days, and weeks shall be filled with lots of exciting things to come, I HOPE! <3