Sunday, January 30, 2011
Today Sadie had her first beach experience! My sister came back from a sleepover mid morning with her two friends and asked me if I wanted to go to the beach. She usually would ask me just to take them. I hesitated at first because I didn't know how Sadie would do and I know they like to go for quite some time. But I said "yes". I had just gotten done saying how badly I wanted to go to the beach and I thought I won't go on my own with her.
So I fed Sadie some cereal, got changed, made sure I had everything that was needed for her to bring and loaded up in the car. (Side note...I was waiting for my dad to move his car from behind my car and I was too busy I think with Sadie trying to get her to stop from crying and talking to the girls) when I started to back up and heard a noise. I froze for a minute then go oh shit. I realized what it was. My dad wasn't even in the car yet and I backed up into his car. EEEEEKS. I thought oh crap, there goes our beach trip. But luckily, everything turned out to be okay and the boat hitch thingy just got into the car a tad and my dad luckily was able to remove it and told me to go on my way. I kept aplogizing, he just said to go. So I figure lets go before something else arrives!
Our beach day turned out pretty well and Sadie was SO well behaved. I am glad. We put up an umbrella and I laid down a big blanket and I walked over to feel the water (freezing!) but some were in, crazies! I then let Sadie's feet touch the water, she did NOT like that. too cold. Started to cry! Sorry Sadie! The beach was filled with snowbirds aka canadaians! It was funny, because so many came up to admire Sadie, but I had NO idea what they were saying.
And on our way into the elevator from the beach, a canadian couple started smiling and saying baby talk to her . My sister and I and friends all just kept a smile on our face trying not to laugh. After they get out and we go on to our next floor, my sister goes "what are you supposed to say to that!? " we all jsut burst out laughing. It was quite funny just how she said it. :0)
I had a great time, and it felt great going elsewhere besides the normal mall! Fresh air and good times with my sister, friends & Sadie.
I got a little sad tho, when I started thinking. This was the beach that I came to and stayed at while grieving Naomi, well for the first couple days I did. I just was not able to go home. I remember, I would see children and families, I would hear them yet it was as in a distance. It was all very very foggy. I was numb. I was in shock. I remember I would go to the bar, Nick's Bar and just drink. I did them well over there. I told them all my sad story, and it got worse as I drank. I would just cry and cry repeating Naomi over and over again. I remember swimming in the ocean, always looking up at the sky as if she could really see me. I remember fourth of july (June Naomi passed) I remember I saw one or two fireworks at the beach, and I just had to run back to my parents condo and I just started screaming & crying. A niehgbor knocks at the door. Was concerned. She goes "is everything okay? It sounds like someone died." Yeah, my baby did. I dont recall telling her that. But thats what I was surely in so much pain about.
I felt all of a sudden a pinch of the grief all coming back to me while sitting and holding Sadie. I reached up quick and grabbed my necklace, where a part of Naomi stays. And just held it tight and said I love you baby girl.
** Since I was at the beach after losing Naomi, I started doing this thing. I would write her name in the sand and draw a heart around it. Ever since then, I found myself doing so, before I left the beach. And til this very day, I do it every single time.**