Monday, March 7, 2011

Motherhood .....:)

I have always dreamed of having my own someday. Never, had I dreamed it would be like this, and in my current situation, but, I wouldn't change it for the world. I absolutely LOVE being a mother. I am a mother of two, one here on earth and another in Heaven. On April 27, 2009, I was made a mother, and noone or anyone can change that.

And, on September 16, 2010, I was the mother of two little girls. Still, til this day, I get comments like, now that I am a new mommy, and stuff like that, it kills me. I hate it. I just want to yell. I was a mother back in 2009, to my little Naomi. And forever will be. Why do people have to say or think otherwise? Ive read a few comments on facebook to my dear friends, and about becoming a new mommy, yet they have ALWAYS been mamas since the day their babies were born, who are now in Heaven. It irks me, I don't say anything, but I should. I stay quiet. I guess, they just do not know.

Motherhood, is VERY demanding, challenging, TIRING, rewarding, exciting, and full of so much more. I love every single minute of it. I remember the first few days after having Sadie, I was BEYOND EXHAUSTED. Pregnancy exhaustion does not compare (to me) to the first few days after having had Sadie. With pumping, visitors, nonstop texts and calls, and nurses, and meals, I RARELY got any sleep. My eyes looked so black under neath and I looked like I was in a fight. I hadn't been so tired in my life. I just wanted to catch a few minutes of sleep. Even my mom had said I can give Sadie to the nursery, I just felt like I would be a bad mother if I did that especially after all I went through and what I CRAVED. But I was able to do so for an hr or so and catch a little sleep. I remember one night, my mom came by after her shift was over and she was walking in with a friend of mine, at 11 pm. I literally cried, I said to my mom that I am SOOOOO tired. She then had to send her out, I just needed that sleep. Now, that I think about it, I would do it all over again. It is no walk in the park, but I truely love it. ButIt gets me mad because some of my "friends" from highschool, have one or are going on two, or have two and are adding more, and I still see that they are constantly going out, wanting to party, that do not want to leave that life behind. I am sorry, but it is not about you anymore, its about your children. YES, do not get me wrong, we as parents do need our time too, but not every single day and night and leaving them with sitters WHOEVER would take them. That in my view, is just not right parenting. I rarely get out, nor do I ask to go out. I am fine with staying home, or visiting my best friend at her place with Sadie, taking her out to dinner and what not, I enjoy it. I wanna be with my daughter. Ever since losing Naomi, I wanted it all. Yes I hold her alot, some say she may be spoiled, I don't care. Let me see you go through a loss like I have and not expect to want to love and kiss on your baby that you now have?

Things still FLASH through my mind where I will see myself going in her room to check on her and I find her dead. I don't know why, I hate it. Yet, because I am a parent of loss, and have read so many stories and then some, I see all what can go wrong even after the birth of a baby. It is my WORST nightmare. Or I picture, someone breaking in, and I scream yelling not to touch my baby, and I vision them doing the unthinkable. I cry alot at night because of it. I don't think it will ever stop. My mind is forever scarred. :( I wish it weren't.

I just am in awe, at how fast the little ones change, and grow. I already see alot of Sadie's personality and how fast she is growing. She is still on the little short side to me, but is getting heavy! She is my little weight lifter! Yet, she is all very porportioned and I just love watching her grow.The other day I was at the mall with my friend walking around and Sadie kept smiling at me, and my friend said that she can see the love in her eyes when she looks at me. That just melted my heart and made my day. I even remember my mom telling me on the phone this weekend when they were on their way to the keys, that her and my dad were talking about the beautiful care I take of Sadie. That made me smile. I have always had love for children and yet my own, I just am so lucky to be able to be a mother and experience it all.


Lauren said...

Hey Jill! (would have emailed you back, but I must have an old email address for you b/c it got rejected) I wish you could come to my shower too! Do you think you can get to Ft. Myers and hitch a ride with Ashley? :) That would be so much fun meeting you in person!

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