Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The 1st of the month, no bueno.

When women see a positive on a pregnancy test, their world is filled with colors, blue and pink, names, nursery ideas, baby shower ideas, baby clothes, furniture, money, all sorts of fun exciting things. We never expect things to go "unplanned". We just automatically think, a postivie pregnacy test equals a bring home baby in the end of 9 months dont we?

I was the naive one. I look at new moms to be, and I wish nothing but a LONG and BORING pregnancy for them. Noone is guaranteed in life, anything. Being a member of the BLM community (Baby Loss Mama), I have came across many, many heartwrenching stories of what can go wrong through a pregnancy. There is not just miscarriage, which I admit, thought was the only thing that can go wrong. I remember thinking, okay, I got past the dreaded 12 weeks, I am safe now. Boy, If I only knew what was ahead of me. I am the FACE OF LOSS. Why me? I will NEVER understand. I know of some mommies who got up to the very end of pregnancy, and it all went wrong. I will not list the things, but one of them that I happened to get was severe preeclampsia. That is just one of the many. NEVER in my wildest dreams, did I think my daughter would die.

The research I have done and stories I have read, scares me. I forever will look at a pregnancy as a scary thing. Yes, I do have my sweet rainbow baby here with me, but it took 4 hospital stays, and me worrying up a storm with every little thing and not takign any chance if something felt off. I researched, I spoke to many mommies, I called the doctors.

Everyone always is happy with the start of a new month. I, am not. I forever look at the calendar and just sigh to myself. Today, 21 months ago, my life was shattered forever. My sweet baby girl Naomi, passed away at 5:20 in the morning.

I will never forget that call. I remember May 31st, 2009, going up to the NICU and ringing that famous doorbell so they can see my face on the camera and let me in. For some reason, it took awhile. But God I wish I had stayed and waited until they opened the door. I decided to go up to the 3rd floor (NICU was 2nd floor) and I would see her in the morning. I fell asleep around 1 am, and I awoke to PLANTATION GENERAL calling. 3:46am. I will never forget the time of the call. I don't remember much of what they said but I do remember them asking me where I was and they remembered seeing me not too long ago. They told me to get up there. I immeditately grabbed my bags and ran to the elevator. I kept pacing back and forth.

I was banging on the NICU door for them to let me in. There were nurses and doctors all around my little girls isolette. They said, she was not going to make it. They had me call someone to come to be with me. I called my mother at 4 am. She was there in the matter of minutes. We sat in the back sitting on chairs, letting them do their thing, while a nurse tried to give me tissues and talk to me. I was shocked, I was numb. I remember texting with a friend of mine that I had met at the hospital, I kept saying OMG NAOMI IS NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.

I remember them bringing xray machines in and out like a movie, I remember them doing an emergency surgery to try and see if that would help. I remember the doctor calling the top line posion control to see what else medicien they can give her to fight off this infection that was taking over her little, fragile body. I thought, something, something just had to work.

My mom grabbed my hands and started praying the "Our Father" out loud. We then weer called up to her little area. They said I can touch her. I remember thinking how come I don't need to wash my hands? Before seeing her or touching her everytime, we had to wash our hands. This time, we didnt. They had us stand back a little, I remember the faces of the respitory therapists, bagging my sweet little girl. I remember watching the screen, the green numbers, they were in the 30's and plumeting. I remember just staring off into space. I then heard them counting. 5:17, 5:18, 5:19 5:20. I said to my mom why are they counting the minutes?

Thats when I SAW their faces all look expressionless and sad. Thats when the doctor came walking towards me. I knew. I knew what she was going to tell me. My sweet little girl Naomi Hope Marish, who made me a mommy on April 27, 2009, all 1 lb 12 oz of her, could not fight this infection any longer and passed away. My head started to spin and then I just collapsed into my mothers arms. I cried, I screamed but then, I rememberd there were stil little babies around, I tried to be quiet, I didn't want to frigten them. But the nruse said its okay, go ahead.

My dearest Naomi, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I always think or see someting and your name or picture pops up in my head. You changed my life for the better and you made me see the greatest gift of all: a mother's love. I walked that hospital so proud, even tho I knew you were sick at times, I just was so proud to be a mommy, to be YOUR mommy. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I would get through taking care of you. There was NOT a day that I missed. I was there from sun up to sun down. You were my little girl and I was going to do everything I could for you. I love you so very much and I miss you like words cannot explain. You will forever be a piece of my heart little angel. Momma loves you. Please keep watching over and show me you are here with me.


Your mommmy


Kelly said...

:( I'm so sorry momma. Anniversaries suck a big one. I have a whole lot coming up. It's amazing how the weeks leading up the anniversaries are just as bad as the dates themselves. Hang in there lady! ((((Hugs))))

Lisette said...

I am so sorry Naomi is not here with you. Remembering moments like this are just so darn difficult. You are an amazing mommy because of her love.

Rachel said...

I am sorry...I am just beginning to understand how hard an anniversary is and the days leading up to it. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

Abigail said...

Jill I am so sorry for your loss! XxoO

Holly said...

Oh to be naive again....

The pain of those moments must have been tremendous ((hug))

B. Wilson said...

Yes, the dreaded "expectations" we had with the appearance of two pink lines. I typed "punk lines" accidentally and then corrected. I think I should've kept it. So appropriate.

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