Thursday, March 31, 2011

Dates...not that kind of date.

Looking right, the bottom right of my computer screen, I am viewing the time and date. What does it say? 11:10pm, 3/31/2011. It haunts me. It saddens me. I don't like it. For many reasons. tomorrow, will be April 1, 2011. I don't see it as "April Fool's Day".Nothing is ever funny on a day like that anymore. It's just not. I will never look at it the same. April and the 1st just do NOT go together for me anymore. Never will. NEVER.

Being that April is already here again, another year has passed, another year that I am away from my sweet Naomi Hope. The first of every month, marks an anniversary. Naomi died on the 1st of June. I used to look at the first as a new start, a new beginning of every month, now, I just frown upon it. I don't think it will ever change. So tomorrow (or today depending on when you read this), is marking 22 months that its been since Naomi has been gone from me. 22 months, or gosh, is it 23? I can't even think straight now, I guess you can do the math better than I can. Passed June 1, 2009. I just can't think. I am saddened.

The Easter things are out, its Spring, the beautiful pastel colors are out, it should be a happy time. But, its not. Yes, I have Sadie, I am so very blessed, do not get me wrong. But I am just saddened. I have watched the days dwindle down, and as we will flip the calendar over to APRIL, I just cringe. This month, marks the month, that she SHOULD be TWO. Not, WILL be, but SHOULD be. I should have a 2 year old now. But, I don't . I am left thinking of what she would look like now, what kind of hair style she would want her mama to put for her, would she be talking and yapping my ears off, what cute little Easter outfit would mommy be putting her in? All the possiblites, they are ENDLESS.

So as the clock strikes midnight, I will be left to counting 26 more days, until it will mark my sweet Naomi's 2nd birthday, in Heaven. SHE SHOULD BE HERE WITH ME. I am left to try and decided what cupcake or cake recipe I want to make for her, as my best friend Bonnie made them last yeat at our little celebration for her, they turned out BEAUTIFUL. Now that I am more confident in baking, I want to try and whip something up for her AND my dear friend Holly's sweet son Benji, who too, was born in April, last year, April 28th in fact, to severe preeclampsia as well. It saddens me. It really truely does. When will it end? Will it EVER come to a stop? So many babies dieing and being born too soon. Like a previous blogger and dear friend of mine had blogged, I HATE PREECLAMPSIA, LETTERS P & E will always be connected in my mind and I will look at them with disgust and pure hatred.

My dear friend Holly and I spoke today about our fundraiser and I asked how she was STUPID question, and well she said, not good. Me either I said. She has been just as sad as I have been knowing what is coming up. OUr sweet babies birthdays, and this, is his first birthday, her son's first birthday. I kept tearing up on the phone but didn't want her to cry or get more upset either. So after we hung up, I silently cried to myself in my room.

WE LOVE AND MISS YOU NAOMI HOPE & BENJI SPIDER. You both will never be forgotten. Please continue to watch over your mommy & daddy and families who all miss you and love you SO very much. I cannot believe its been almost 2 years since I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, forever, my sweetpea.


Kelly said...

((hugs)) You can see just how tiny Naomi was in that picture of you holding her. I love the picture of the cupcake with a picture of her. Such a great idea. :)

Jill said...

Thank you Kelly. For her First Birthday, from other BLM blogs, I came across an idea to have a small gathering at a local park, with family and a few of my close friends. We had some easy munching on food and my best friend made her beautiful birthday cupcakes, because then, I wasn not into baking at all. But this year, I def feel I can make her birthday cupcakes or cake. Then we had a beautiful balloon release, I brought markers and we all had a balloon adn wrote messages on them and then released them up to her. It was hard, I cried before Is tarted to even write. But I am glad I had a beautiful gathering for her. She is a truely lovely little girly.

Raven said...

I am so sorry that happened to you, I couldn't imagine losing a child and don't know how people cope, but doing things to remind you of her is a good idea, and she will always be with you in your heart :)

Raven said...

oh p.s. Do you have an email address? Everytime I try to email you back, it comes back as undeliverable.

Jill said...

Awe thank you Raven, I appreciate it. Yes, she is forever with me, I miss her terribly. Ohm sorry about the email address. You mean comment on a comment I sent you or just email me? Id love to chat with you, you seem like a nice girl!! Yes, my email is, I have two, (the naomihope one is done that was with my tmobile phone I no longer have) or I have (that was from a LONG time ago from age 15 ha). Let me know if they work!! :)

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