Friday, February 25, 2011

LOL Smiley not so much

I don't know what came over me but I am sad. I feel down. Yet, I should be the happiest girl in the world. I have my sweet Sadie here with me. Don't get me wrong I am SO very thankful and happy she is here with me.

I wanna take a guess at where it all came from all of a sudden. I guess I feel like I should be doing more. Every day seems like the same old day and routine pretty much. I just feel blah. I feel like I should be doing more, A LOT more. Every day, I get up with Sadie, go for our walks, watch tv sometimes, visit a friend or two, go to the mall and explore and what not. I'll do laundary and dishes, help around the house, do some cleaning. Something is just missing.

I need a plan, I need to plan for our future. Me not knowing what to do or where to go, is getting me down, big time. I need to fix this.

My mom got off the phone with my sister before I was leaving to go out to finish an art piece that I didn't get to finish 2 weeks ago so she said she would take baby Sadie for an hr or two so I can finish it. Looks like, my sister will be needing my help. Supermom will be back in action. I used to watch my nephew once a week for the day. But now, it looks like it will be 5 times a week, Monday through Friday, from 9 to 3. She needs help. She isn't on her own, she is married, is not living at home, and is 22. She also has THREE crazy dogs. She has never been one for chldren, but started a family of her own and needs the extra help. It is a bit too much for her, and I understand. She always is telling me she doesnt know how I do it all by myself. Makes me proud, but I have had so much experience since the age of like 12, and it just comes natural to me. I was a nanny for 2, 11 months apart, baby and toddler. I know it all pretty much.

So I can do it. It will help her out and help me out as well. But, what got to me is, the pay. My mom told me she is offering $125 a WEEK for this. Um, slavery much? And she HAS the money. She has it. I don't. So I guess that kind of got me mad and upset, when she should know how much I am struggling with money. I asked my mom, well wait, what about school. (My mom and I spoke a little bit on our walk this morning about school, she suggested doing hair maybe, or she looked up medical assisting, that was some online some in school, she said that she could work her work schedule around and watch Sadie for me when I went in). My mom said well, when school comes around, she will have to find some other arrangement for Jimmy.

I shouldn't complain about the amount, especially because he is a pretty easy baby, but I need money. I have always been a helper, and its made me happy to help others. So I should be and am greatful. Especially because I am wanting to get Sadie's professional pictures done , and I will have some money to put down for the appointment . I just have been doing alot of thinking about the past and wish I hadn't spent all of my hard earned money when I was a nanny. IF I HADNT, I WOULDNT BE IN THIS POSITION. I would be on my own in my own place, possibly have my own car. But I cannot go back. But I do alot, I just wasted all of that money down the drain. Now I have got to work my way back up. I just think of it all at once. I a 23 , still do not have my own car, I want to SO badly be able to pay my own bills (when I have them), pay for insurance, pay for gas, pay for my little girls things and toys and clothing, I want to do it all. I AM SUPERMOM FOR GOODNESS SAKES. I CAN DO THIS.

Well I even just got a phone call while typing this from my mom, she has Sadie and my sister, they will be on their way back from walmart. I will be watching my nephew tomorrow from 9 to 3. My sister NEEDS THAT BREAK. Me? I don't. I got it. I love being with Sadie. My break is pretty much at night when she goes down. I just have to realize I am doing a huge favor for my sister and helpin gher. I just wish she would contact me more to say how am I doing, then just to ask if I can babysit? I think I am more than that.

Sorry about the rambling but I am just hurting now. My 15 yr old sister was holding Sadie today and said how its sad she doesnt have a father. I think that is on my mind too. That is a whole nother post, I may not even post on that because of certain things, but it is hard. Looking at her, I think about that alot. But, he isnt in her life for a VERY GOOD YET SAD AND SICK REASON. I am keeping my daughter safe. I owe her that.

I think alot, how will I ever meet a good guy and possibly father figure for her if I am stuck living at home and barely go out really to meet anyone? But first thought comes to mind, is I have to get ME BACK ON TRACK FIRST. I have to get going in school, I have to worry about my Sadie and I first. The time will come hopefully, when I will be able to meet a guy. I just wish I was given the right path to take, what to go to school for, how to do this and that. Life is hard. I have to figure it out, I feel all on my own. But I have my wonderful family and few close friends and few friends from afar that I know are there 100% and backing me up. I appreciate it so much.

I can and will get there some day. I look at all my friends that are married, have or are renting houses, have babies on the way or already do, NOONE has it perfect. NOONE does. Even tho some may seem like they do, they dont. I have to remember that. I just seem like I want to have it all, because I havent for so long. But, in all honesty, I do. I have Sadie. I just want to be something, I want to be someone, I want to make MORE of myself than ever before. It will NOT be easy. I won't be on facebook chatting and checking up on people like I do now. I will be busy, very busy, I want that. I want to work on building my life, my future for Sadie & I.

I will sit down this weekend and really read on career ideas. I am thinking about what my mother suggested. She thinks I would like medical assisting. That way, I could get my foot somewhat in the door in the medical field. I could work with the kids she suggested or in pediatrics since I LOVE kids. Then, I figure, maybe by the time Sadie is in school, I can then think about returning back to school to go for nursing. I would love to be able to do it, but I just do not know if I have the brains for it all. I guess I dont know until I try? I also thought of the hair school, I dont know much about doing hair, but it would be SO neat to learn it. Who knows. I am praying that someone, maybe Naomi, can send me a sign, of the career path I should choose.

This blog is all ramble jamble, but my mind is always on school/work now and bettering my life for Sadie (money and school wise). Its been time way long ago. I aplogize for the unorganized mess this is. Just needed to write, because I did some crying tonight. Writing surely does help!


*Laura Angel said...

jill...i live at home now again...basically lost my home due to financial crisis with our loss. your doing great...keep in mind u do what you can with what u got. maybe start calling around? taking a class once a week? you will figure all of this out. your so young and sadie is so blessed to have you. hugs

Jill said...

:( Its so not easy I am sure Laura. Big hugs to you, lots of them. And prayers. I really do look up to you. You are doing wonderfully as well. You are very right, I also told myself when I was crying while driving, a lot of others have it worse than I do, I am so very greatful and thankful. I just have to take "baby steps" , and one day, hopefully, I will be out on my own, have some school on my hands, meet that 'guy' and have things going for me for once :). I know everything takes time. This made me tear up, thank you. I so can't wait to meet you & your family one day, and soon! xoxoxox

jamie said...

I hear you Jill, It is such a struggle. I scrape by every month... barely. But you are right- that little boy makes everything so worth it. I think medical assisting sounds like a great idea. It definitely will give you a taste of the medical field.

I would refuse to watch your nephew for less than $200 a week. She is not being fair to you. Yes, you need any money you can get - but what about another nanny job Sadie can go along with you to? I don't know, it just seems like your sister is not being even remotely fair to offer $125 a week.

Abigail said...

I am by no means trying to be negative towards your family because I know they are being as supportive as they know how to be. My one suggestion would be like I have mentioned in my other post...what if your sister watches Sadie while you go to school? Whether it be once a week or in the evenings. You are watching your nephew to help her out and it would be wonderful if she could do the same thing to help you out as well.
Here is the thing about Sadie not having a "father" figure in her life....I don't know the specifics on this topic, nor do I or anyone else need to know, but you obviously made that decision for a reason. She has you, grandparent, Aunt, Uncle, cousin, & your friends who love her dearly. She is still very young to know the difference. You can fact that obstacle later on.
You will find the right partner for you when it is time. It will happen when you least expect it!
Keep your head up

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