Lots of thoughts, do they ever stop??

I have been doing a whole lot of thinking, especially since I have been home with my Sadie. Today, she is 6 weeks old. I cannot believe it. My time does really fly by. Soon, I will have to go and find work and someday go back to school. Scares the hell out of me, but I have to and I want to. I can't have Sadie when she is older look down upon me. I want to be a good example for her and I need to provide for her and working in a little store won't cut it. Besides, one day, I would love to meet a wonderful guy who accepts me and Sadie and I want to be able to say I made something of myself. I also hope that she understands why I did what I did and why "daddy" is not around. Nor would I ever call him that.

I think about the day I will have to leave her, I get upset because I just don't want to miss anything of her life but many mommies and daddies do it, its life. But I do see that when I return, it will make all our moments just as special and wanted.

Being I am living at home, I think, how am I going to get my own car, my own apartment, and be able to provide for her, diapers and wipes and toys and well I am pretty much set on her clothes but all of those nesscities for her. Then comes things for mommy like car payments (which I have never done, I am lucky I have so much help from my parents, but I want to be able to live and do it on my own, heck I am 23 for goodness sakes!) cell phone payments, rent, clothes, food, accessories for mommy too. I know there is alot to live and I want to be able to do it all, yet single parenting I KNOW is not easy. I am already feeling it. Yes living at home I have help but I do it all on my own pretty much. My mom offered several times to take her for a feeding or two at night in the beginning but I said no I got it. Yes I was extremely tired but thats what I craved for. After losing Naomi, I would have done anything to do what I am doing now. Thats what a mommmy does. And I am pretty darn proud of myself, I take such good care of my little girl.

Someday I just would like to be able to move out on my own with Sadie and have accomplished something too! I have a lot to do and work on but I am willing to do it for her and my sweetpea Naomi. She's rooting on her mama up there! I just do not know where to start, and I know it all does not come at once. I need to learn to cook too! I made a pact to myself i will give my little girl healthy food. I am not a junk eater nor do I care for fast food, and I want to have Sadie learn the importance of health, I just all in all want to be a great mother, simply like my mom. My mom and dad have done a wonderful job, and yet with all of this, I definitely see that parenting is the hardest yet most rewarding job in the world to have.

I love being a mommy both to my Naomi & Sadie. It is a lot of work but I would not change it for the world.

I also want to be organized! I want to have a picture album started for her, have all her pictures organized and loaded so I can and family and friends can see them. I want to have an album just for her halloween costumes and then a holiday one and all those fun in between things! I just have to figure out how to manage my time and all, something I am still learning, still need to try and get a little schedule too! Things are alot easier when there is a schedule involved I think! :)

I just had alot on my mind and I had to get it out, have a huge list of things to do, but have put it off for so long, if I can only do a few things each day I can get it all done!

Thought in a text...

The other night, I get a text from one of my good friends whom I met last year in the hospital after having Naomi. He texted me asking how Sadie was doing. I talk to him every now and then but not often. I paused for a minute and all these flashbacks came to me especially the ending of when I lost Naomi. I had been talking to him shortly in the hospital after I had told myself I was done with "the father of Naomi". He knew what was going on and even had known a lot and had police friends so had given me some advice while visiting Naomi. What came to mind was how that night I got the call and was in the NICU with my mom I started to text him and tell him Naomi wasnt going to make it. He was texting with me to relax and that she would be okay but I kept telling him no she wasn't going to be. He said he would come to see me after school or and when he would come to see his brother.

(His brother had a horrible thing happen to him around time I had Naomi and thats how I met him). But as it happened, I told him I lost her. And he surprised me and came up and was with my mom and I for a little bit and then went to be with his family. I remember him coming a few days before while Naomi was very sick and I took him up to meet her. She hadn't been opening her eyes and he tapped on her isolette and talked to her and he got her to open her eyes. I remember how I was "bummed" but in a happy way that he got her to and I couldn't. I kinda laughed it off, telling Naomi one day she will meet mommys good friend. Yet at that time I did start to like him.

I just cant believe its been all this time 17 months since I have lost my sweet baby girl. I did alot of crying yesterday, being she would be 18 months old. I hold Sadie alot and look at her and think would Naomi look like this, and the day when I have to tell Sadie she has a sister, but isnt physically here with us. Its going to be very difficult but something I have to do. I remember so much back then, especially after the fact I lost her, I was just overwhelmed with blur of things, I remember going to the ocean alot and I would see people and "hear them" but I wouldn't. It was all just there. I remember being rude to people, and I am NOT a rude person at all. I simply just miss her so much.

My, how time is just flying on by...

It has been a while before I have gotten a chance to update! I am such a busy & sleep deprived mommy but I absolutely love it and would not change anything for the world! Busy doing baby laundary, mama laundary, and between feedings and diaper changes and baths, and all that fun stuff, keeps me on my toes! Just wait until my little Sadie starts to crawl, now I think I am busy? Wait until then! I am oh so anxious for all of the "firsts" to start but then I get sad and think I won't ever get to see Naomi have this. But I know she is watching over and keeping a good eye on mama & her little sister.

A week or so ago, I had 2 incidents where Sadie stopped breathing while feeding and I had to swiftly pat her on the back a couple times to get her to breathe again, but it scared the CRAP out of me which had me shaken and in tears. How could I not? I did not like seeing her like that and I kept saying oh God please dont take this one away from me. I suffered enough already. So I made an appoinment for her pediatritions office because some of my friends thought maybe apnea or reflux. The on call dr there said to be on safe side to take her to the hospital for 24 hr admissions. Might I had, Sadie did NOT turn blue, but both times looked pale & once her eyes rolled back which freaked me out thought this is not good. So I took her to the hospital what a sad & scary time that was.

She had to get her vitals done, did not like the blood pressure cuff thingy, I had never seen such a tiny little cuff before! Then she had to get blood and urine done. They had to tie her little arm up just as they would a normal size patient and she screamed & cried, 2 nurses were in there helping and asked if I was okay, I had tears in my eyes and I started to cry I said no and they said I can step out while they do it. I did and cried more, but kept peaking in on her I HATED hearing her scream & cry and be in pain but it had to be done, I then came in when almost done and comforted her. They had her on with a gown that she was practically swimming in.

She did well tho, those whole 24 hrs they didn't see anything wrong on her tests or breathing or anything so could not say if it was apnea or reflux. We are now home and I have witnesses a little bit of spitups and well a few almost type gagging looks where she will open her mouth as if something is going to come up but doesnt. I got a voicemail this morning from her dr checking on her and wanted us to make an appointment this week to see her to check on weight gain and feedings so we will be going tomorrow morning at 8 am. I have a few questions on a few things so hopefully can get them answered.

Yesterday, I carved Sadie's first pumpkin. I was going to put both Sadie & Naomi's name on them but it didn't fit so I will be going back this week to get Naomi her very own. So far, things have been going well, I just cannot believe she is almost 6 weeks already. Time is going so fast! Sadie smiles so much now it is so cute and melts my heart. I like to think that it is Naomi whispering to her or talking to her that makes her smile.

I am anxious on whats to come & especially Christmas time, I will love to take her out on stroller rides to look at the lights and to sit on Santa's lap. But I do also think, in a few more months, I will have to start looking into working and schooling, which scares the hell out of me. I love being home with her but yet I know I have to support her, can't stay here forever. I just dont know exactly what I am going to do but I know in time it will all fall into place. I just am scared about where I will put her and I just dont want to miss anything in my little girls life! I love her & her big sister to pieces!

Baby Happenings :)

It has been wonderful being at home with a baby in my arms, to look at , to hold, to cherish every moment with her. I am so thankful to have made it, I did everything I believe in my power to bring home this baby. Yet, I feel guilty, guilty that my body still failed me, yes at a later stage, but why!? I don't get it. I am angered by it. What can a mom do to have a normal pregnancy? Nothing apparently. I for one, will never get that experience. If I *EVER* go on to have another one, it will be the same thing over again, all the worry and panic. But for now, and even forever, I would be happy and content with one little girlie here, and my sweetpea in Heaven, that I miss terribly.

I look alot at Sadie and ask myself is this what Naomi would look like at this age? Will Sadie grow up looking like Naomi would look like? I know I can't always think like that and have to look at Sadie as Sadie, but it is difficult. I have to work on that because it wouldn't be fair to her.

I though am kind of sad. I feel alone sometimes. That I don't have that perfect family, or "father" to share the joy of her being here. I refused to tell him she was here, but eventually did, but told him otherwise. I am really hoping that he will not come around and or serve me with court papers to fight for her, but I am READY, ready with every fiber in my body to fight for her custody and none visitation. I am going to do whatever it takes to protect my beautiful daughter. Would have done the same with Naomi. I think alot of all the pregnant moms who have happy husbands or boyfriends and me I feel alone. Yet I know I have so much support from friends and family but in the end, I am a single mother. I have to take my consequences. That is okay. I hope to one day, down the road, find someone who will accept me for me and my daughter, and maybe just maybe have another down the road. But who knows what in the future. I just hope to be a wonderful mom like my mom has been to me & teach this little girl all that I know. I want to make her proud.

Mama has to get things figured out soon, on schooling and work for the future. I want my daughters to be proud of me and so far I don't feel like I am of much worth. I want to succeed in life so I can have the same for my daughters. I don't want them looking at mommy as a failure. I just have been doing alot of thinking and I hope I can one day go back to school and do things right!


**My Beautiful sweet Naomi, how I miss you so much, I know you are continuing to watch over mommy & baby Sadie. I just wish there was a way I can see you one more time and hold you tight & never let you go**

Surprise or expected?? Somebody's Birthday arrived!!!!!

Where do I even start? A lot has been going on and has happened since I last was able to post! I have wanted to blog for so long about all of this but just could not get the time until finally now!

I was admitted in to hospital on Friday the 10th of September because of my high blood pressure in the office & my headache that would not go away without tylenol. I thought this time, I am NOT letting them release me no matter what. I will fight them until they listen to me. I was being watched, constant 24 hr monitoring of baby & bp checks every hour, and blood tests quite often. I was becoming a pin cushion but I was already used to it! I was a bit swollen in my face and my feet and arms a bit but thought oh thats because I am on the IV fluids. But apparently not. I was put on iron also, because of my very low iron level and being anemic. I had had headaches here and there in hospital but nothing too bad. My uric acid level was going up slightly and my platelets were a bit low but not too concerning. My doctor had told me lets get to 34 weeks.

A couple days after, I had friends visit and while they were visiting, I had felt awful! As if I had to jump out of my skin, I could not sit still, felt very uncomfortable and just wanted to like die. It was so weird I had never experienced something like that. I felt bad because they were visiting and I could barely pay attention. I didn't think too much of it not reporting to my nurse. I thought maybe it was some weird side effect of one of the meds I was on. Around 2 am that morning, I had to page my nurse. I was having contractions! I thought what the heck is going on? They were painful suckers! I would rate them about a 7 out of 10 in pain. I was shocked, I thought okay I will be given IV fluids and they will stop. WRONG. They were happening boom boom boom like ever 4 to 6 minutes then dropped to 1 to 2 minutes. I was freaking out. The nurse told me to breathe through them I thought omg I am going into labor. The contractions ended up going on for 12 straight hours. The dr and nurses checked me but my cervix never changed just was soft. So I ended up not going into labor but was contracting. Scary!!

The next day or so I had a headache through the night that wasn't going away even with tylenol. My doctor was notified and he almost came in that night to deliver me. The headache was still there in the morning. My reflexes were checked the day before this and they were quite brisk, I had never seen that before with me. So I thought things were definitely progressing with my preeclampsia. So my nurse came on in the morning of September 16, and had told me "I hear they have been talking delivering you". I said What!! And sure enough 2 minutes or so later the change of shift nurse comes in and says she spoke with my dr and that today was the day!!!!! I was so scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time. I knew things were progressing down hill quickly and he knew before that we could only buy another few days and he didnt want to risk anything.

So I was told around 10 I would be going into surgery. I had been texting with a pree mommy that morning anyways and I immediately texted her, she was the first person to find out what TODAY WAS THE DAY! Not even my best friend or mom did I tell but this sweet sweet mommy who I have become close with from afar. I thought omg I am still not 100% on a name, I didn't get to have my baby shower, nothing is ready! But I was lucky to have a few friends and my mom come by on that Sunday my date of my shower and bring LOADS of gifts, clothes and nicknacks, that surely brightend up my day!

So, well I was being prepared and told what was going to happen. Things were all flooding back to my memory of when I had sweetpea Naomi. I called my mom and she was working on the 4th floor, I thought its great she was there and was able to get off, her mananger was able to cover for her until 5 pm that day. So the nurse gives my mom scrubs and she changed and I was just watching everything unfold in front of me. Excited but SCARED!

I was wheeled in and things were started and sure enough my mom is there ready to begin. I kept having the shakes very badly I could not shaking in my arms, probably with the coldness and the spinal I had. I was ready to go about 10:30, and exactly at 11:00 am, my beautiful daughter was born, IT'S A GIRL they said. And I began to hear baby cries, music to my ears. With Naomi, I only heard a "cat's meow" and she was whisked away. They showed me my daughter for a minute and then cleaned her up and wrapped her in a blanket and placed her on my chest for a minute and I got to kiss her little cheek, something I did not have with Naomi. Bittersweet. I could not believe it. She was here. Still the "no name baby" at that point!

I was then wheeled into recovery and things were going well. Baby was sent to NICU and I thought I so did not want to have a NICU experience again but I thought oh I know I will be okay, I was at 34 weeks & 6 days when delivering her. I knew she would be okay, with the steriods on board. She weighed 4 lbs 15 oz! Special note that I had caught, Naomi was born at 9:16 am, and her little sister was born on 9/16. I was hoping and looking for some kind of sign like that! And sure enough I got it. Extra special.

So the next day when I had called to check on my little girl, they didn't give me any updates but had said the neonatologist was sending her to my room!!! I was shocked! Baby was breathing and eating on her own and doing well enough to be with mommy! And just so happened that my mom and dad and grandma were coming to see me and baby and they got to witness baby being brought to my room and mommmy holding her for the first time. She was brought in and I just started to cry and oh I was full of emotions, still am! I thought, okay, I was set on Gracie Faith for a while for her name. But when I saw her I thought she does NOT look like a Gracie. I had only til 2 that afternoon for a name. My dad suggested "Sadie". At first I thought um no, thats an ugly name. But then as I was looking at her when she was being held, I kept saying the name in my head and thought OMG it fits her, she looks like a Sadie!

So, after a bit of thinking, I thought, Sadie Marie will be her name (he suggested middle name as well, which is mine too). I absolutely adore her name the more I say it and see it. The first night I was alone with her in my hospital room, I held her and I just cried & cried. I see SO much of Naomi in her, but not so much a good picture, I see Naomi's memorial look to her when Sadie is sleeping.

I had quite a few friends to come by and visit and see my sweet Sadie and bring gifts so very sweet. I cannot thank my friends & family enough for all that they have done and help support me. My mom had been scrambling to get a crib and changing table and my room done before baby Sadie and I come home! I was so lucky to have had so many gifts brought and clothes from friends, because I was not prepared. I was still scared of buying anything even up until 34 weeks. But she is here! Naomi's sister is here. I was able to be released 4 days later, dr being cautious with my pre e that was considered severe because of my headache my dr said. I was just so surprised and excited that my baby was coming home with me. Being wheeled out of the hospital with the baby in my arms, everyone looking at her, just brought me so much joy yet emotional pain.

It has been a week since I have had my little girlie. When I got home into my room, I saw my memorial of Naomi that my mom had changed, she painted a beautiful pink dresser and painted butterflies on them and when I walked in to see it holding Sadie, I just started to cry & cry. It was beautiful but so so very emotional. I have cried alot since I have been home, missing Naomi but very happy with her little sister. Just hurt because I will never get to see Naomi grow up, or walk or crawl or say mommy. But I do know she has continued to watch over baby Sadie & mommy and has led us to get this far. God Bless my sweet Naomi. Miss you & love you so much.

Surprise, Surprise!

Sunday, September 12, was supposed to be my baby shower. The shower I had never been able to have with Naomi. I was looking forward to this yet I was full of emotions. I thought please let me be released so I can make my shower, yet I thought and know my health and babies health are so much more important than a baby shower that can take place after she is born & home with me. And I would have felt beyond horrible if I had went and something happened, afterall, I am still supposed to be on bedrest.

So anyways, my friend Kalie, (one who was throwing shower for me) came and visited me that day and brought some of the shower gifts I was meant to have because she knew I was upset and down about having to be in the hospital and missing my special day. My mom had been visiting as well and was able to see me open the gifs. She had got me the cutest little outfits, and nicknacks for a baby, pacifiers, teething rings, bottles, you name it! Said she also has alot more at home she could not bring. I was shocked. Then a little bit after, I got surprise visitors, friends I had not seen in awhile bringing in HUGE gifts. I just was so shocked and so very thankful for the friends I have. They would continue to tell me this baby girl wont go without anything. Made me very very happy. I just got so many adorable outfits, and boy did they think to also get bigger sizes in clothing! I also got tons of diapers & other baby nicknacks and even a yummy cake! I was just so happy, that definitely made my day for not having my shower! I was happy my mother was there to see me open the gifts.

Well, yesterday, my nurse came in near the end of shift and had said "Well I hear you are staying with us." I said "really? Like remainder of pregnancy?" She said yes, doctors don't want to take chances. I told her I said good because I wasnt going to let them release me this time. I wasn't goin anywhere. I was on bedrest at home, yes being from the bed or to the couch I was doing, but I also had to get up to make my own meals and of course living at home with my family theres alwayss something going n and my bp was just quite high. Being here in the hospital it is alot less stimulating and makes me calm. So that made me happy, I am hoping for at least another 2 weeks. I thought, wouldn't it be bitter sweet if I had Naomi's little sister on the 27th of this month? That would make me 36 weeks and 3 days. Yes my due date isnt until Oct 22nd, but I would so take that! So here is to a few more weeks!

I honestly cannot picture me having my little girlie in my arms and actually taking her home. The day I have her, is going to be FULL of emotions. I am going to be a mess, both happy, sad, excited, scared all rolled into one. Even thining about it now I am tearing up. I just know I will think about Naomi when being operated on and when I hear her little cry, boy, these doctors are going to think I am nuts. Its just going to be bittersweet. I am hoping to be able to wear my necklace with Naomi but I dont think I will be able to. I am hoping at least it can be near the table or I will let my mom hold on to it. I just cant believe how close I am and how delivery is pretty much right around the corner. Boy with these hospital stays, time flew by quick!

I am actually still stuck on a name!! For so long I had thought of Gracie Faith. I was driving one day months ago and saw this sign that said "Gracie Jit Jiu" or something like that. I repeated Gracie in my head and it really clickd with me. Then I thought Faith because Hope, it just went well with Naomi's name. Well my sisters had commented on it saying Gracie is pretty but that it sort of is country and or that Graceie & Faith is too much. So that kind of got me thinking, yet I know it is my own choice. Other names I have that I really do like are: Delaneey Grace, Aubrey, Rylie Paige, and I really do like alot Willow. I am into unique names. I joke and I tell my friends I am going to put them all in a bowl and just draw one, I cant choose! Maybe when I see her I will know? I am mad because I was so set on her little name. I still feel like she is "Gracie". We shall see.

Yesterday morning, I was watching a baby show and I thought let me stick with it so I can see if its a boy or girl and maybe here a name for an idea. And sure enough, they say "baby Naomi was born". My mouth dropped. Lately I had been having a lot of signs having Naomi around. I then started to tear up and had to change the channel. Another happening, I was in bed of course and my nurse commented on my necklace. She says "how many pictures does that hold" or something very similar to that. I paused for a few seconds and I then said "my daughter was cremated and she is with me here". She then started to sort of get off subject I guess she didn't know what to say but then I had said yes, alot of people assume I am wearing a locket. It does look like one. After she had left the room, I immediately got up and went into the bathroom and just started bawling my eyes out. I thought why me? Why? I WISH that my necklace was a locket with my sweet Naomi's picture in it. But its not. I carry her ashes with me. I have not taken this necklace off but maybe once or twice to clean the hair that gets stuck in it. I feel naked without it and I just evenI like shutter when it is off me. I am very thankful my sweet neighbor got it for me. Then, on one more note! I was watching tv a morning show & they have a segment on, and "Home" by Chris Daughtry starts playing. I thought oh my gosh, Naomi what are you doing to your mommy? That was the song that was playing in the OR when she was born.

Random thoughts & Update on Pregnancy

Since I had been home from the hospital, I had been having high bp readings. About only 4 of them out of the 25 times I took it over course of a few days were normal. Of course, I started to get worried. Bedrest at home is alot different than at hospital. Yes I was in bed or on the couch for the most part, but I had to get up to shower and make my food and use the restroom. So at 2 in the morning of my doctors apt on Friday, I had the worst headache I had ever had, it was pounding. My bp was quite high then and I decided to take tylenol, no luck with that. This headache lasted for HOURS and HOURS. I got ready for my appointment and drove myself there. I took my blood pressure machine with me to see how close it was to the office one. While sitting at a light, I took my bp. It was 143/102, with my head just pounding. I started to then speed to get my apt. I arrived & explained I was not feeling well and hopefully I could be seen quickly and also because I had another apt at 10:15 with my regular ob to get the 4d ultrasound done as well as just having regular checkup. I was excited I would finally get to see her because I missed last apt due to me being in hospital.

Well I get in the office and my bp was taken, 145/85. It was high but not as high as before. I explained to the doctor about my horrible headache and we took a look at the baby to look at everything and also follow up on the fluid in her kidneys. It is still there unfornately, but not something to where he is so concerned about, the level is not too too bad. My baby girl weighs 4lb 14 oz. That just blue my mind and made me happy, even tho I was not feeling well at all. Doctor came back in and told me he was going to admit me for preeclampsia. I told him I was already diagnosed by my OB with mild preeclampsia at 25 weeks, but he had said I didn't have it then due to me not having the bps, just protein. But I knew I did as it was.

So then, I proceded with the admission forms and took myself up to L&D floor. I started to panic because with Naomi, I was admitted on a Friday, by a mfm as well, and ended up delivering her on a Monday. Today is already Sunday, but I know I am not as sick as I was before, THANK GOD, and I am alot further along. Yes I do have more symptoms than I had when I was here last time, about a week ago. I am swollen pretty much all over, I notice my face, eyes, feet, and hips. I also awoke last night with nausea and I have had a lot of "heartburn". Worries me because I read on a mommy's blog how she always thought she had horrible "heartburn attacks" but come to find out it was URQ pain from HELLP. Still have some headaches, but the nausea is new, so I will be letting my doctor know about that today. 24 hr results should be in sometime today as well. Bloodwork is fine one thing was a little off, I still have to ask about that, bps have been okay.

So I am 34 weeks and 2 days, and this tiem I refuse to let them release me. I am so close, and I know I am nearing delivery, and I am okay with that. Because I know sometiems baby is better off outside of mommy than in but so far she is doing great, its just mommy that isnt feeling so hot!I just get mad and upset alot because of this horrible thing called PREECLAMPSIA that has robbed me and so many other mommies of our babies and our health and a "normal pregnancy". I will never have that. Never. And here, I absolutely LOVE children and babies, since the age of 10, I just have had that natural love and attention for children. I have had to walk on my tippy toes and pins and needs day by day week by week throughout this whole pregnancy. I had not been able to enjoy much, just a big huge worry wary for every little ache and pain. My friends & family just do not understand, they can try to but they just cant. It hurts alot, I cry alot, I miss Naomi alot, I jsut wish things were different. I have been robbed of just the all excitement about pregnancy (I am as scared as ever, had been each hospital visit as gotten me weeks on closer), my baby shower was supposed to be TODAY. I am so bummed about it. I never got one with Naomi. It was in the works.

My friend had this one scheduled and planned for a while now, and everyone was set to come. But due to this again, I had to cancel and reschedule for a welcome home baby shower. But I don't want everyone around my little girl, I just do not feel comfortable with that, so I can maybe make it to closer friends and family? I am not sure. But I want my shower. I want thate xperience, I wanted to be able to be happy and have my big belly and dress up and see all my friends, but I know my health and babies are very important. It just hurts. I am getting robbed, again.

The other day, I spoke to my sister, and asked how she was doing and baby. I had told her she sounded quite tired. She told me she doesn't know how I am going to do it. Which upset me, quite alot, but I did not say anything. Yes she is married, yes she has her husband to help. Yes I am going to be a single parent, for the time being and living at home. But does she not remember who I am? I have cared for SO many babies and toddlers and children. I pretty much know what to expect. I was a nanny for a 3 month old baby boy and eventually his little sister at 2 monnths as well. I took care of them for 10 hours a day, yes parenting is 24 hours, but I have had so much experience and I have a natural take to children and babies. I know it is alot of work, and I cannot wait. God Bless mt sister, I love her, but she has never taken care of a baby before let alone child, never really baby sat or had been interested in them. So yes this is all new to her. I cannot wait to be so exhausted, wake up to a crying baby, or to just look at her while sleeping. It just bothered me that she had said that.

At an ending note, I just want to thank all the support of my friends and family during this whole time, both grieving & this pregnancy and how many times I have been in and out of hospital. It has not been easy but due to all of the support and prayers and talking with me asking how I am, I cannot tell you how much it all means to me, especially the mommies out there from the boards & all. Means so much to me. Thank you all. I am very thankful to have made it this far, and I cannot wait to meet my little girl, whom I still need a name for, have a few picked out! Just want to be 100% certain. :)