Overwhelmed & worried...

I slept a lot today, quite tired, has alot to do with my anemia I am sure, and plus the fact I am in my 3rd trimester as well. But I took out my pregnancy and baby magazines that I had received from the doctors office and just put away and hadn't looked at them until now.

I started to read just one pamphlet on breastfeeding (because I would very much like to try and do so as long as I can) and also a pregnancy magazine. After reading both of them, panic set in. I thought, its really starting to settle in that in a few amount of weeks, everything is going to change. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited, yet it seems so surreal, will I really have a baby to take home this time?

The breastfeeding alone seems like something I may have trouble with but I do not want to give up before I even start. I want the best for my baby and they say that is the best. I read some interesting tid bids, baby feeds every 1.5 to 3 hours, that breast milk digests quickly in babys tummy and that the babys tummy is the size of his or her little fist. So needs frequent feedings. Also to not use a pacifier or bottle in the first few weeks of breastfeeding. I found that interesting as well. I see my sister is already doing that but I wonder the reasoning behind not using those is.

Also, I do not even have the nursery which is my room set up yet. But we will be getting a crib and changing table, my room is quite small but we will make it work! I kind of wish I can get the whole thing of making a nursey but my room is pretty good as it is I say. We just didnt' do anything due to me not knowing what will be my outcome. Maybe one day I can make it more girly for her, or by that time maybe I will be on my own out of my parents house?

Reading on what is needed to, I hope I get lots of that at the shower, but yet also will purchase whatever else is needed. I am panicking because I am feeling like I have forgot so many things. I realized I haven't taken an infant cpr course and that is VERY important. So I am wondering if I can get that done before I have my little girl. I also need to pick out a pediatrition and register for the hospital. Pack a bag too possibly!? Because knowing with my luck, the next time I end up back in the hospital, that could be for good. I see that baby needs an outfit to come home in, and so does mama! So many things to be checked off and done! Daycare or home daycare is needed to be looked at, and what I will be doing for work, and or school. So much to plan and I haven't done much.

I guess I just expect things to go not so good, but I have a feeling, things will go as planned this time, I *hope*. I just can't imagine what it will be like with a baby here, i try to so hard, but i can't. But I guess I will know shortly.

I am getting extremely anxious to meet my little girl and to see who she looks like. I am almost 34 weeks, still have some growing time to do! I just had to get this off my chest, because I had a moment where I wanted to break down. I feel better getting it out! I will be having my 4d done at the office on Friday that I was supposed to have last week but I couldn't due to me being in the hospital.

I am very excited for the 4D, I will be exactly 34 weeks on that day! I just pray I can continue safely to at least 37 weeks. I am just about to reach my 3rd goal that Doctor recommended of 34 weeks. I cannot believe it. Just have to keep tucking along!

Random Thoughts/Happenings

Since my hospital stay, and a bit before that, I had been getting up in the middle of the night and staying up for a few hours. I just could not and cannot sleep. I don't know if that is my body getting me ready for the sleepless nights ahead, (and I tell you I CANNOT wait!) or what.

I tend to sleep a few hours, and get up and stay up for a couple hours then go back to bed for hours on end and sleep and sleep. I am so tired during the day, but more awake at night. I do have anemia, so that could play part in it, but who knows! I also think I am getting anxious for the big day, whenever that is! I cannot believe I am 33 weeks already, and boy did it take some trucking along with lots of scares and hospital stays to get here. But that is OKAY!

I am kind of upset, because I never got to really enjoy my pregnancy, in the beginning, I was scared, upset, and just plain did not know what to do. My thoughts about parenting were all up in the air and how would I do this all on my own? Luckily, by the grace of God, I have my family, my amazing family who has never shown me otherwise. I slowly began to get excited towards mid pregnancy, yet still didn't allow much of it, because I didn't know what was ahead of me, heck I STILL don't. But I believe I am at a much farther time (5 weeks) then when I had my sweetpea Naomi.

I also did not get to plan or decorate a nursey persay. I only bought one little onesit outfit, I saw it in the store, and just had to get it. 3 months size, light blue and brown and it says "mommy's little sweetie" with 3 cupcakes on it. Made me think of my best friend and it was just too cute to pass up. I have it hanging in my closest in plain view. I have some gifts I was given/sent in a corner up in my closest and a few toys sent as well. Slowly it is growing. I just keep looking at it and thinking will I end up throwing it all away or all over my room ? I can't help but think something will go wrong, I am still not in the clear, but for the most part yes. I just know, any little thing can go wrong, but I am trying my best to think positive.

I still do not have a crib, or changing table, or rocking chair or any of that stuff. And I am kind of freaking because, heck I may have 6 more weeks to go! That is a month and a half away, and TIME FLYS! Will I really have a baby in my arms? Will I be waking up to cries in the middle of the night, music to my ears? Will I have a little baby to wake up to just to watch sleep? Will I....?

But my mom told me today, she wanted to surprise me, with a pink painted dressor so I can still have Naomi's memorial in my room. I just about cried. Her memorial means so much to me, I have her pictures, poem I wrote, my March of Dimes tshirt with her picture on it, lots of "hope" words, and preeclampsia information around it as well. I will forever keep all of that, I want her little sister to know all about her. So that touched my heart when my mom told me that. She also suggested where the crib should go and changing table. I have a small room, but it will work!

Today, I heard my mom talking to my sister, who just had her firstborn, and I don't know what happened but I just started to cry, I had to shut my bedroom door and cry. I am happy for her of course, and yes I am pregnant. But I just automatically think about Naomi, and think would should have been. How come I am empty handed with out her? How come I had to go through all of that? Why me? Why my precious little angel? And it just felt like I lost her all over again, my emotions so raw, the pain is just horrendous, I felt like throwing things! And I hadn't felt that way for a good while, after losing Naomi I surely did. I eventually calmed myself down, but I just don't understand why I have these breakdowns especially when I hear talk about the baby and my sister. I can't be doing that. I am very emotional, I can't help it. :(

My baby shower is in a week from today. I will be 34 weeks and 2 days. Amazing, huh? That is my 3rd goal from my Doctor. I pray, I make it to my shower.I just want to be able to have that big belly and be able to show it off, I never had before. Even tho I am still on bedrest, I think it is okay to go to my own shower, but stay seated the whole time. I want that experience. And heck, a baby shower helps! :) It will be a great time to be with friends and family whom I haven't seen in so long and who have continued to be there by my side through this journey--and boy have I needed it.

I thought I would have to cancel it, due to the fact I was in the hospital and not thinking I would be out, until I have her. I am very excited for my shower, I never had one with Naomi. It was in the works of being planned. My friend, is throwing me a shower, I have so many friends from high school who I haven't seen in so long but had wanted to come, and I am more than greatful for that. My mom & sisters of course will be there, and a few of my friends husbands and their little kiddies. I am kind of nervous tho, to see everyone. I can't thank all of my friends and family & mommies out there who have sent things my way already! It means the world to me! I have many thank you cards to write and I cannot wait! THANK YOU :) from the bottom of my heart.

Bunch of Updates & a Blessing!

Where to start? I got a call yesterday morning saying that my sister would be coming to the hospital where I am at and was in labor. I thought, wow finally it is happening. Around 8pm last night, my mom sent updates via text, saying shes at a ten, ready to go, yet low & behold, wasnt officially born until 11:13pm, August 30. Weighing in at 8 lbs 2 oz. I knew I would be emotional, but didn't know to what extent. My best friend was with me since 4pm yesterday and had stayed til about 12am. Which I am SO very thankful for her in my life!

About 1am, after my sister got cleaned up and everything was settled, I got wheeled in to see her and my family. As I saw the baby & my sister, I just lost it, I started bawling my eyes out. I was happy for her, yet I was broken as well. The emotions of having and losing Naomi and that being her first child, and me losing my first, just was all so much. My mom came to comfort me and I soon was okay. She placed him in my arms, and he just looked at me with his little eyes, so precious. After leaving the room, I came back to my room, still very emotional and just had to cry and cry. Just brought me so emotional because I missed Naomi so much, the pain came back like it was yesterday.

But as today came around, I have been better, yet still I can't help to just remember Naomi and ask WHY. Why did I have to go through all of that? Why can't I have her in my arms with me?

It is just on the eve, September 1, it will be 15 months since Naomi passed away. I can't believe it. Today my mom called me after leaving hospital visiting my sister and I as well, she called to tell me that Naomi sent me a rainbow, a double rainbow. Made me smile yet, hurt inside. I love you my precious Naomi and I thank you so much for watching over your mommmy and little sister to be.

Next goal Dr says is 34 weeks, will be 33 on Friday. I can do this, day by day. I pray for a healthy 6 safe outcome.

Pokes, jabs & bedrest

Who knew, how much can happen within a week or so! I had woke up the morning of the 19th, with nausea, and it stuck around for a good 3 to 4 days. I had no vomiting, just a few headaches, and plain felt lousy. I started to worry a bit, and did some googling and of course I read on nausea and flu like symptoms and that got me thinking, what if that is whats going on? I remember 3 weeks before I gave birth to Naomi, I had a day of just not feeling well at all, so it all panned back to that.

I decided I would take myself on Sunday morning, to get checked out, even tho I had an apt on Tuesday with my ob, just did not feel right waiting. So I went in to OB triage & they ran tests, everything was fine, was about to be released when I started CONTRACTING! Um, at 31 weeks? I did not feel the beginning of them but later on I began to feel the tightness & pain. I thought, my gosh, What else is next? I was contracting every 10 minutes so they decided to admit me and do tests for preterm labor. I started to freak!

It was negative, but I also ended up having a short cervix as well. They put me on procardia for contractions watched me for 4 days, and even though I had had a tough night the night before, the doctor released me that thursday. I was sent home on bedrest, and that morning, I took my bp as usual and it was a bit high, so I retook it again, and still high, I reported back to my nurse, she spoke with my doctor & he said to come in and get checked. So back to the hospital I go! (a different one, the one I perfer to deliver at).

So well, they did some tests again, my bp was fine and under control, and here we go again, I started contracting every 10 minutes. So I was then told they were going to keep me. So as of Friday, I have been here, this is my home for the remainder of whatever is left with my pregnancy. I have two things to be watching, preeclampsia and preterm labor. So very scary. I feel alot better being here, under watchful eyes. I have been swollen in my feet, hands and face but as of this morning i was told the swelling went down a bit in my face, which is always good news! I am being weighed daily, on procardia, and iron due to low iron levels. I had PIH labs don this morning about an hour ago, so those results should be in within an hr or so before this nurse leaves.

I just am being told and how things are looking or possibly progressing with pree AGAIN, I will possibly expect a NICU stay. That is okay, but I am asking myself am i really ready for this again? I surely know the "rollercoaster" of the nicu, and I tell you, that ride, will never come to an end. I am scared, the familiar noises, sounds and smell, athought I am in a different hospital than with Naomi, it is just not easy, for any parent. But I have no choice, I have to do this, day by day, I will get through this. Look how far I have come now!?

I am very anxious and worried to how they will turn out. Because from within a few days, we repeated my 24 hr urine, and it jumped from 400 to 600. I just pray I can hold on for a couple more days, if anything weeks, and keep this little girly cooking some more! The great news is that, I am 32 weeks, have steriods on board (as of 25 weeks, got a rescue dose while being here) and she weighs 4 lbs! Nurses always comment how wonderful she is and stays on the monitor, makes me a proud mama! I keep telling myself, look how far I have come, not many people thought I would make it past 28 weeks, but I made it a WHOLE month past that. I am thankful,I must say, with the support of my family, friends & BLM's.

THANK YOU so very much. I know my sweetbaby angel, is watching over her mommy and little sister to be. I miss her so much, & I have had some breakdowns while being in the hospital, not the easiest place to be.

~*You are all around~*

On the 18th of August, was my mom's birthday. My family and I all went out to a restaurnt to celebrate her birthday for dinner. We were all sitting down & something came up about how I had drank a bit too much and got sick at the beach condo. I did not know why that had been brought up and I was confused. My mom then goes "she had an excuse" and looked with a sad face at me. It then clicked.

That a month or two after I had lost Naomi, I was staying at my parents condo, because I could not go home, I had wanted to be away and the beach was that place. I drank alot, thinking the pain would somewhat go away, it would double, with the alcohol. Anyways, I then started to think back to those days (while at table) and I just got very teary eyed, telling myself please do not break down at this table, its my mother's birthday. I just remembered how much of pain I was in, I did not know what to do with myself in those days and months after her death.

I decided to get up to use the restroom & try & take a breather. Well I was finishing up in the restroom and I started to hear a very faint song playing. I thought I was hearing things, but I listened very closely and sure enough that was it. "Home" by Chris Daughtry was playing out of all songs on their system, this one was playing. I started to bawl my eyes out. This song was played when Naomi was being born, when I was on the operating table. I just could not believe it, I kissed my necklace & tried to clean up my face and walk back out. I just did not expect that at all, yet in a way, I had a bit of peace after that, yet I still ached badly.

On another note, please pray for my mother's friend. My mom told me a couple days ago (August 15) that a coworker of hers (a nurse) lost her 21 yr old daughter. Her daughter was murdered & the ex or bf had killed her dogs as well, and then commited suicide. My mom will be attending her memorial service later tonight. My mom & I briefly spoke about it, and she had told me I know the pain. Yes, I very much do so. This world is so cruel, makes me so sickened and heartbroken for this family. No mother or family, should ever have to bury their own children, EVER.

May you RIP & be with my baby girl Naomi.

NICU visit, & then some...

Yesterday, I went to visit my friend whom I met during my stay in the hospital 3 weeks ago. I had told her I would visit her a few days ago, but kept putting it off. I really did not want to go into a NICU again even tho I had been a couple months after losing Naomi. I finally tho, decided to go, to be there for her, it is not an easy job. I met up with her and we walked into her baby's room. I was amazed, I SO wish Naomi had been born there. They have their own very private rooms! So she can be with her own baby, 24/7, has a couch in there to sleep on, it was just so nice. I was able to touch her son, remembered all the precautions that had to be taken, washing hands, I remember and did it all. Seeing the very less tubes tho on him, reminded me of Naomi. His movements reminded me of Naomi, the way he was sleeping on his belly reminded me of Naomi. That was her favorite position, and well mommys too that I just thought she was oh so cute as she slept!

We both talked about our experiences and how when pree comes, it comes and gets you quick! It makes me so angry about it, that word will just haunt me forever & ever. I tell her how everytime I find out a friend is pregnant or has a headache, I quickly tell her to watch bp, and watch for these signs. It is no joke. But I am glad I went to see her. I had wanted to cry several times but did not want to scare her or upset her. She knows, it is a rollercoaster in there. One day good news, the next bad and on and on. I just am praying for that baby to continue his journey and hopefully by the end of September, he will get to go home!

On another note, I just am amazed, at how far I have come. I just was reading my journal entries on when I lost Naomi, months after, talking about not wanting to llive and just my memories of me screaming and crying and calling her name, and being in bed for days and weeks on end, depressed, not eating, sleeping all day, just crying and wanting to be all alone. I still have my days, but those days are alot less than before. I still look at my sweet Naomis pictures and think, I cannot believe I had her, and within a month, was taken from me. But I am very thankful I had gotten to meet her and spend those weeks with her.

So far, this pregnancy, is going well. I know my Naomi is watching over the both of us. I have had several signs from her, I believe she is all around. I have made it to 30+ weeks, 5 days, it seems odd saying that, I am not used to it. I am just hoping and praying it continues that way, but I know and am ready for anything to change. I am watching myself like a hawk! I try and picture myself holding this little girlie, but I just can't. I don't know how I am going to feel, I know overwhelmed with emotions. I just know I will be an emotional mess, but thankful to meet Naomi's little sister. May all go well and continue this way, and for all the other mommies out there, I PRAY FOR YOU ALL AS WELL.

The next couple of days will be filled with birthday celebrations, my mom's is tomorrow, mine is on Friday, and then on TUESDAY is the big day. I will be having a 4D ultrasound done by my doctor's office, I CANNOT wait to see my little girl. I haven't gotten much of a peek of her, so I am hoping she will be cooperative! My best friend and 2 other friends will probably be joirning me as well. AND my sister is 38 weeks, 39 on friday, and is due anytime now, so these next few days, and weeks shall be filled with lots of exciting things to come, I HOPE! <3

Whirlwind of emotions

Grief. & My Daughter. I never thought in a million years that I would be grieving the loss of my very first born, baby girl Naomi Hope. I sometimes just think I am living someone else's story or life and that I am just somehow walking as a ghost from day to day.

Other days, I feel like, I am so proud of myself from where I have come, yet the grief never ends. I think people think or assume, I am "okay" because I am now expecting again. Not really. I grieve for my little angel every single day. I look at her pictures just wishing she would come back to me. I miss my little Naomi.

Earlier tonight, I got a call from a number I did not know but I answered it. It happened to be my roomie from the hospital. I was so surprised yet happy to hear from her. I have been thinking about her and her baby recently alot and was wondering how things were going. We talked about both of our experiences, she indeed having preeclampsia, I told her how sorry I was we had to meet in that way yet I told her how I am there for her in anyway possible. She even said I am welcome to meet her little boy, he is still in the NICU, her duedate isnt until Sept 30, so may be there a little bit until after that. I pray for him to continue on his positive journey ahead. I pray, for my friend, she is 17 years old. Very hard to go through, for anyone.

On the flipside of things, I had my OB appointment this morning, everything is going well so far, SO FAR. I am very happy where I am, passed my 28 weeks (first goal from DR), yet it saddens me, why couldn't I have made it this far with Naomi? I just will never understand. My doctor said I am gaining weight which is good, negative dipstick, (horray), and bps look great, and feeling baby movements as well. I had repeat PIH labs done and I will have results for those by Friday. So my 2nd goal is to make to 32 weeks. I am just praying, I make it to that, and further on. I was then told next appt which is on the 24th of August, I will have a 4D ultrasound done by my office. I am SO excited! I remember when I hadnt been excited in this pregnancy, just about a few weeks ago I started allowing myself to become excited yet, still have my safety guard up by a long shot.

I know that ANYTHING can change in the blink of an eye. I am not ready for that, but I have no chance do I? I just am thankful for where I am today, and I pray that it continues on this way. I want to thank my friends, and family & amazing mommy support I have had especially through the forums and mommies I met, makes me feel so good how supporitve and caring so many are. THANK YOU!