Face of Loss Face of Hope Feb writing

I belong to a blog called Face of Loss Face of Hope & they asked if we would like to participate in a montly writing:

February’s topic: Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. Write about something special a friend, family member, or other loved one did for you after your baby(ies) died that really touched your heart

After Naomi passed away, it was extremely difficult to be near or with family. You would think it would be the opposite. But I just could not handle it all. I pushed them away. And I look back and wish I hadn't. My uncle, grandma, and Aunt all flew down from the North to come to her funeral. They were all supposed to come to meet her for the first time, not to witness her in her tiny coffin.

I remember my grandma and uncle arriving home with my dad from the airport. I remember trying to dance & smile and just pretend it was a good visit. But I was ever so hardly holding back a RIVER of tears. My uncle, he lost his 9 year old son, 22 years ago, and he told me straight up how it is. "It doesn't get easier, Im not going to lie, you have a tough road ahead of you Jill".

But, through all of this, my wonderful family just let me be, do whatever I needed to do to just "live". I could not go home for awhile after it happened, so my parents opened up their condo on the beach to let me stay for awhile. I needed a "getaway". They also payed and made all the arrangements for my sweet daughters funeral. I just could not take part in any of it. I couldn't think straight. Yet I wish sometimes i did help with that. But I cannot THANK them enough.

Also, my best friend. I don't know where I would be without her today. Her and her family had been WONDERFUL as well. The night of losing my daughter, they rented a hotel for Bonnie & I for two nights I think it was for me to get away in as well. I know also, so many times they offerend me and let me stay in their home as well in the spare bedroom. They were so thoughtful and caring and always asked how I was. I will never forget them or their sweet & kind hearts. I was so beyond grief stricken & here they opened their home and hearts to me, as if I were there 2nd daughter.

I leave a picture of my best friend & I.

If only THEY knew....

Yes, I feel like SCREAMING, and at them.

So, earlier today I read not one but TWO fb status' that just really really aggravated me and annoyed me. One that read:

"i swear i wish men were the ones to go through being pregnant and child birth ... like its easy carrying around an extra 30 pounds all in my belly, and having someone kick you all day. Before you bitch about what we do all day, try being pregnant!! ... just saying"

I LOVED when Sadie & Naomi would kick and punch me all day long. I couldn't have felt happier! I didn't get so big with Naomi, so I couldn't say that I was carrying around that extra weight until well after I had her I did balloon up with fluids. But with Sadie, I got bigger than I was when I was pregnant with Naomi, and I LOVED it. I wanted to even get bigger! I craved being uncomfortable, I craved the heartburn (even tho its not so fun! ha) but I craved it all. Pregnancy, and being a woman, I wouldn't change for the world. We get to carry our sweet babies, feel the love from day 1 we get that "pregnant" on our tests, and feel the continuous movements that I miss so much now, but yet am so very happy Naomi's sister is here safe & sound. If only SHE knew.

Then another friend of mine I couldn't BELIEVE wrote:

"please thursday morning come fast!! not feeling good at all today.. :("

So I reply back:Hey, if youre not feeling right, and not good call your doctor & go in today. No need to wait it out & something go wrong within a day. Ive seen & hear it happen. So make a call if you need to Tara.

Then she replies back to others and me & to me replies: jill-i called an tried to make my appointment today but shes the on call doctor an i didnt want to go to the hospital to be sent home so im just going to wait it out till tomorrow morning..

Well, can you guess what through my mind then!?!!?!?!? If you are not feeling well and off, who is one to GO IN AND CHECK ANYWAYS to make sure your baby is okay!?! And she is at the VERY VERY end of her pregnancy. How many times have I read so tragically that stuff goes terribly wrong, and possibly that extra day could have prevented it all? I even think in my case sometimes if only I went in "when this happened & this and so and so" would my Naomi be here today. I would rather go in and make sure everything is okay & be SENT HOME than waiting and going in the next day, and having to deliver a baby and go home WITHOUT my baby. I want to so badly comment again on it but something is holding me back? Actually, just now thinking, I may send her a personel message? Explaining where I am coming from? Yet I just dont want to scare her,(any suggestions!?) but it is a reality, yet I am sure everything is fine, but thats what us mothers may try and tell ourselves when in fact its not? I just worry, when I see comments & stuff like that, it drives me up the wall!

If only SHE KNEW.

Mindless Monday!

Today, I watched on tv, along with many others, thousands I am sure, the memorial service of two fallen police officers that lost their lives in the line of duty this past Thursday. They were serving a warrent for an arrest for this guy, who was accused of a homocide. And to elude police officers and get away, he shot them and the one (male) died instantly and the other officer (female) died on the operating table.

Here these officers risk their lives every single day and are protecting our community and idiotic people have to take the lives of these police officers who are just doing their job. It brought me to tears, while the wife of the one offficer was holding hands with her two sons and other son following behind while walking into the building.

And yet, learning of the exact same happenings AGAIN and two other officers killed in another city/county just is horrendous and so tragic. I will keep these families and friends and victims in my prayers & thoughts.

Grief Stricken, badly.

I miss her with every part and soul of my body, it hurts, it hurts all over again like the coming days after my sweet Naomi passed.

Yesterday, my friend Anne came over with her daughter Mia for their first "playdate". Even though Sadie is only 4 months old, and her daughter will be 2 next month, it was nice to see them and catch up on things.

When I was in the hospital after I had Naomi, her and her husband came with Mia, then almsot 3 months old, and brought me a beautiful pink laundary baby basket FILLED with diapers, baby laundary detergent, toys, and all the necessities prob well worth $1o0. I was just so taken back by it all, I will never forget it and still til this day when I see her I think about it.

Well after she left, unknowingly, I felt sad. And well I had plans the following night (today) to go out with my best friend and a few others to karokee, and that had fell through because my mom had a quick change to take my sister and her friends to Busch Gardens because my sisters very good grades. I was upset about that because I had been looking forward to it for this week but then I told myself there will be other days.

I was sitting on my laptop when my mom came home and I was still bothered by it when she had said she would babysit for me, and I NEVER ask to go out or do anything, and this was just one time (besides new years) that I really wanted to go and do. So I was crying a little, overtired and whatnot. I then without looking at her said, "can I have my pictures of Naomi?" She spoke with me asking if I am sure, and went to go get them. She held them in her hands and said are you sure again? She said I can tell you where I keep them and you can go see them when you want or need to.

And let me just say, I have never seen them, these are pictures that were taken after my Naomi died. 18 or so months, I have not seen then but knowing they were around, lately they had been on my mind. So she told me where they were kept, and put them back. As my mom went to bed, I went and got them. I took one look at then (there were two) and I immediately started bawling. My mom told me previously that "its not her Jill" Its not her.

She is all discolored and on her hands were all bruised from the iv lines and everything. And just was there. She was right, did not look like her. It wasn't her. That was not the sweet baby girl I grew to know for 35 days here , yet 8 short months in mommy's tummy. And I just held them and cried and cried.

I went to bed with a heavy heart. I couldnt sleep at first and I went into the kitchen and here Naomi's video was playing. I went up close to it on the computer screen and watched as she would barely open her eyes and watched her little mouth and her tongue move with that stupid iv down her, I was able to only catch 45 secoonds and I had to press a key on the computer to stop it (the screensaver is a collection of ALL the pictures and videos in the computer and just so happens her video was playing) A sign? I think so.

Well this morning, I woke up grief stricken. Badly. my stomach hurt, felt so heavy and so did my heart. Yes I have my beautiful Sadies with me, and to love and to hold and to kiss and to help fill my void, but I was just missing Naomi SO much and have all day today since last night.

I was browsing blogs today and came across a friends blog and on hers I clicked onto another. This mother happened to have a baby bornstill, on 4/27/2010. A year ago from Naomi's birthday. I thought there is another sign. Yet I still felt so horrible for these parents . I know their pain all too well.

I feel like I should be doing more for my Naomi and all the other babies passed, So many mommies and daddies do. They create funds or things in name of their babies or go on to create groups to help grieving families, or make babies names in neat forms. And I don't or haven't done anything, I feel. I dod do the March of Dimes last year, but I feel i need to do ALOT more. I don't know what, but I want to search within myself and figure it out. I want to do more, i want to stop all of this from happening WAY too many times. Too many.

Maybe I can create something for grieving parents and families or sisters and brothers? I am not very creative, but I have to use my brain and think. I must do more. I must.

I miss my little sweet Naomi. I miss her so much today. I always do. I dont think people truely understand my pain, unless they have been through it. Today, I read and other days, how some friends cannot wait or are rushing the birth of their babies because they are "sick" or "bothered" by being pregnant. It kills me, I want to go off on them, but I don't because I feel like everyone else will attack me.

If only they knew what I went through and STILL live with every single day of my life. It wont go away. I will ALWAYS live with the fact I do not have my firstborn with me. The fact I will never hear her say Mommy, never see her smile, never see her go off to school, never see her get married, or have kids, all those milestones. I only can TRY and imagine what it would be like, yet I don't even think I can do that.

Each and every day I come across more and more stories of loss, of parents and mommies losing their babies and it just BREAKS MY HEART every single time. I cry and cry at every single story. And I feel my grief all over again. I wish I can do more, so much more. In time, I think I will be able to do alot. I just need to get there.

I miss you Naomi Hope Marish. Not a day goes by that I never think of you. I look at your little siter and I see alot of you in her, and I think you would have grown up to look like her. I really believe so. I thank you for sending your sweet sister to me. One day, we will all be reunited again. Love you baby girl always & forever.

FOUR MONTHS OLD!?!?

On this day, 4 months ago, at 11:00 am, I gave birth to Naomi's beautiful baby sister, Sadie Marie Marish, weighing 4lb 15 oz and 16.5 inches long. I kissed her on her sweet forehead and griminced at her sweet newborn cries.

It feels like yesterday that I was being wheeled in to the OR by the nurses & DR. I remember that day, passing a newborn baby girl just a few hours old and thinking awe, that is going to be me very shortly. Oh how I wish I can do it all over again.

At 4 months old, Sadie can:

smile, smiles at mommy, grandma and others. She has the prettiest smile ever. When she smiles, her whole face lights up and she just gets besides her self. It is by far the cutest.

laugh!: Just a couple days shy of turning 4 months old, Sadie surprised mama by laughing at a weird sound when I was changing her diaper! She only did it 2 other days once in a row, but I am sure as this month goes by, I will hear more baby laughter, music to my ears! Oh I just get all giddy hearing her little laughs, so cute and amazes me those noises come out of my little girl.

can hold her head up pretty good & looks around & is aware of things alot more!:She will turn her head alot and look around at things in the house or when out. It is just so crazy in so little time how one can change and how much she can learn. She also is on to sucking her little thumb to calm her down & have her be at peace with herself. She holds and plays with her little blankey and will figure out a way to put her thumb into her mouth & soothe herself to sleep, melts mamas heart!

She also does very well at tummy time, will go for a few minutes & then wants to be picked up by mommy. I noticed alot that she has become a LOT less colic, I'd say it pretty much has gone away.

The other day, she slept 6 straight hours after mama put her to bed for the first time in her own little thing. It felt great that I was able to do that yet sad because she is growing up way too fast.

My little Sadie is 4 months old! WIll have her 4 month old checkup tomorrow :( having to see her get those shots, pains me, but it keeps her from being a sick little girl often! I am curious on how much she weighs! I am guessing around 12.5 lbs. Last visit at the special doctor for her kidneys she weighed almost 10 lbs !

Milestones!

A week ago, I noticed Sadie started eating on her hands, so got me thinking, is she starting to teeth a bit? I googled and some said it could be that and or just learning and noticing her hands, developmentally. I thought how cute!

Then sure enough, I come in to check on her napping in her little swing, and I gasped. SHE WAS SUCKING ON HER THUMB!!! It was toooo cute! I just stood there a few minutes watching her. That I noticed was on the 7th.

Then *today* around 2:35 I thought I better hurry up and change Sadie's diaper before I have to run to get my sister from school. And a few minutes prior to that I thought Sadie was doing her business aka "tinky diaper" so when I had her on the changing table I was changing her and I said "no tinkys?!" she made a little noise like a half kinda laugh thing. I gasped. So I said it again, and, SHE STARTED TO LAUGH! I did it again, and she let out another laugh. Oh it was the CUTEST thing I had seen from her lately. I started welling up with tears. I just starred at her. To think those noises and sounds are coming from my little girl, oh she is growing up before my very own eyes! I quickly texted my mom and best friend and a few others. I was too happy!

I know there are lots more milestones to come, I just hope I am around to catch them!

Oh! And a few days ago, I got a text from a wonderful mama I have been talking to and keeping in touch with from the preeclampsia forums. She had told me her and her husband and baby were coming down this way to visit for the day. I was SO excited when I got that text. I had never gotten up so early and showered and got baby Sadie all clean that quick .

As I was walking up to them I started getting very teary eyed. I thought damn it Jill dont cry. Not now. But yet we both have been through hell and back lately and also from losing our sweet firstborns, and how we both now have our rainbow babies and meeting for the first time, oh it was just bittersweet but very nice. I had such a great time with them. We spent the day at the mall and had a nice lunch at Grand Lux Cafe.

I didn't want to say goodbye but good things have to come to an end and so they had to start heading back to their side of town. I am hoping to definitely see them again and next time head up over their way. It was too cute, we were telling everyone that they were on a date together, we got so many comments. Sadie wasnt the little baby anymore though, everywhere I went she was usually the little one! :)

Welcoming 2011 with open arms!

Sorry about the one little picture and nothing written before! I was on my way to blog then I got interuppted by my friend, at the door to go have an early lunch with Sadie & I before mama's big night out. Which I was counting down sense early December for! I love love love being with Sadie, dont get me wrong, but I think every mama needs a day or few hours to themselves. And after 3.5 months, and it being New Years, I thought let me ask my mom if she can babysit, (I NEVER ask!) and she gladly accepted. Mama had a grand time with her friends. My mom has been amazing, I can't thank her enough! I even took over at 3 am (even from a few drinks, but sobered up before coming home). I am told by my sister, I am a super mom! She doesn't know how I do it. And I am even doing it pretty much on my own. Its not easym but I love every minute of it!

So it being a new year and all, this year is MY year. My year to shine! I have so much I want to accomplish and be able to do. I am scared, very scared. I think about it all and I get overwhelmed. I will be attending school in the next few months, for what you may ask? I am not so sure. But it has to be SOMETHING to where I can support both my daughter and I. I am 23, and will be 24 this year-STILL living at home. Well moved back home from being in an abusive marriage, so I did get a taste of being out on my own I would say. I think about it though alot, will I be out of here BEFORE my 15 yr old sister graduates highschool!? I worry about that. But I could be alot worse, I could be stuck with nowhere to go. I am so lucky my parents took me in. I owe them alot.

I worry, when or where or who I will be putting Sadie with for daydare or to watch while mommy goes to school. Or will I be able to find something online school wise that I can do it from home and be able to watch Sadie as well as do schooling? I am with her 24/7 and just th thought of her being gone or with someone other than family FREAKS ME OUT! I try not to think about it but I just have to, its reality and its coming up QUICK! I have to set and make plans for this year for myself & miss Sadie. Make goals and REACH them. I dont even own my own car. Never have. I am 23. I would SO love to work towards saving up to get a decent car for myself. I also would like to learn to SAVE period. Since I was 15, I have always been horrible with money. Why didn't they have something like that in highschool? If it wasn't for me spending every cent from when I was a nanny for 16 months, I wouldnt be here at my parents house. I made $500 every week, some good money for what I did, and every single cent was spent. Clothes, on hy husband and his family (wish I never did), my sister & her friends, I was always offering to pay for dinners and lunches, getting hair and nails done, I thought I had it made. WRONG. And now I look back, all that money and hard work down the drain.

Now I have got to start over again. Its okay. I can do it. I have to. I could have had my own car by now, my own little place. Just gotta go FORWARD from here. I wouldn't have to depend on my $$$$ that I have got from taxes and that be it. I am worried. But I am here with my family but I do NOT Want to depend on them anymore. Yet I sitll have to for a little while until I pick up things. I am scared I wont be able to do it all, juggling school & work, and Sadie and other things. I worry, will i ever find a good man? Someone that someday Sadie can call Daddy? It hurts. I want her to have that in her life, but for now, mommy has to worry about her and I, working on getting mommy back up on her own, that can come later.

So my goals for this year are:

1. Complete some schooling, whatever it may be, and work hard. Study hard. GIVE IT MY ALL.
2. Learn to SAVE $$, learn that not every $ in my bank account does not have to be spend just because "I have it".
3. Learn to say No. "No" as in I cannot buy my friends dinners or lunches anymore. I am a single mom, I just cannot afford it with NO money coming in. Learn that they will understand.
4. I would LOVE to learn to cook a few meals or dishes. I have conquered baking for the most part this last half of the year. I need to learn to cook for Sadie & I someday, healthy meals that is!
5. Put away money for a car. My very first car.
6. Exercise & stay healthy. Yes everyone says that, but I mean it. I would love to be able to at least take daily walks or runs with Sadie in the stroller or every other day as I can, and trim down and just be healthy for hersake & mine.
7. Start to work on Sadie's photo album and get that going! (How to pick and pring so many of her pictures!)
8. To work on my relationship with my father, sisters & brother. Since middle school my relationship with my father hasnt been the greatest. Yet I admit hes been such a great father, I am very lucky to have. I just dont know how to form a relationship with him and I need to work on that. He is quite close with my 2 sisters and brother, I have always seemed to push him away. And my siblings I would like to form more of a bond with them.
9. BLOG MORE & LEARN TO ADD & REARRANGE MY BLOG!!! (any help is GREATLY appreciated)

If I can think of anything else, I will add! But I think that is quite a hefty list there! I will come back and relook at this in 3 months or so and see where I am on each one of these!

I am excited and hoping for a great year! This year Sadie will have all of her firsts, well some of them and I just am hoping I can be around to see and catch them.

Hope you all have a safe & wonderful New Year. Heres to 2011!