Sweetness rolled up into 1

Just thought I would share a little video I took today of my little girl after our walk. Gosh how I love her but I miss my sweetpea Naomi more than ever now. I feel guilty.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

March of Dimes 2011

I cannot believe its already been another year. Another year has passed without my sweet Naomi. The walk came up on us so very fast. I remember talking on the phone to my friend Holly whom we just met and were talking about our "goal of $1000". I remember thinking, but not voicing much, are you sure we are going to make that? Here we are, I don't have a grand total as of yet, but I know we made over $7,000-8000! WOWZA!!!!

This morning, we had our walk. My 2nd walk, my friend Holly's, first. I should have known from last year to get there and leave MUCH earlier. My best friend Bonnie, met me at my house for 7:15, and we were all ready to go by that time but had to pick up my sister and her friend. My nephew came with us and little Sadie and my mom and another friend of mine. We get there just about 8clock. The walk started at 8:30. I kept getting irriated and rushing my mom, I felt bad but I wanted to meet up with my friend AND captain, Holly from our team. I wanted to walk with everyone. We didnt get there early enough for breakfast or the coffee, but I didnt care too much about that, I just wanted to be with OUR TEAM of over 60 people.

We were all scattered but eneded up walking and meeting up with a few of my friends along the way. It was a 4 mile walk and was along the beach halfway. I kept thinking, I want to go in the ocean after, but unfornately, I didn't drive myself, drove with my best friend, and they needed and wanted to get home. I need to get on their butts about being more active so next year, we can all walk together and have no problems keeping up! But I am so very glad my best friend and other friends came out to support me and our team. So very thankful.

Towards the end of the walk, we started to go because of the rain more so plus my mom needed to get my nephew home. I know my other friends wanted to leave, but I DIDNT. I am the captain as well of our team and I had to leave. WTH is that? I brought Naomi's picture to be on our team table, I didnt even get to see HALF of our team, or mingle with the others, or get a beautiful cupcake that Holly's sister slaved to make. I am HEARTBROKEN I missed the angel ceremony at the end of the walk. My sweetpea's name was called and I was no where to be found, luckily Holly collected my butterfly with her name on it. I was also told that a family member of Holly surprised her with her softball team with a $1000 check! And Again I was no where to be found to stand with Holly to take a picture. After I heard that I just CRIED my eyes out.

I am so sorry I missed it all, all because we had to get going. Next year, for sure, I am going on my own and arriving earlier and being prepared. You would think this being my 2nd year in a row, I should know better. I just need do things on my own I guess, and if my friends want to support me, they are more than welcome too. I just am so hurt and bummed about missing the activities and not being able to walk the whole time with the whole group.

But, I did have a nice walk and glad my friends came out and my family to support us. This next Saturday, May 7, I am going to do the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia at our local water park. I am excited about that. Next year, I will do more of that than the March of Babies I think. I want to put and make Preeclampsia out there, not many people know about it, yet alot know about March for Babies. Alot of these babies are born due to severe preeclampsia and or HELLP. And I want to put a STOP to it!

Thank you all so much the walk was very nice! Bless you Naomi Hope and Benji Spider. We love you and miss you SO very much.

"A small gift can bring joy to the whole family"

Two years ago, at 9:16 am, I was made a mother. All 790 grams, 10 fingers, 10 toes, a button nose and beautiful big eyes, just super duper tiny. I delivered my sweet baby girl, Naomi Hope, emergency c section to severe preeclampsia on April 27, 2009.

I will never forget, at my 28 week checkup, I had been feeling just plain horrible thie night before at my brothers baseball game. My mom saw that I was finally gaining weight, or so she thought, all in my face. That wasnt normal. Everything went haywire at that checkup the next day, April 24. I was admitted after being sent to a specialist, a highrisk doctor, for severe preeclampsia. My best friend,now, took me to get clothes and what not, magazines and candies at Walgreens. I was so sick, little did I know, I thought I would go in and come right out the next day or so. But I was wrong, so very wrong.

The way the doctors and nurses were talking, I wasn't going to be pregnant much longer. It was a day to day thing on what test results had shown. Well, come Monday morning, April 27, the doctor and nurse come in and explain, I have +6 grams protein, jumped from 2+ in the office on Friday to 6 on Monday. That 5 is the cut off for severe preeclampsia. They explained a nurse will prep me for a c section and to call whoever I needed to call to come ASAP. Everything happened so quick. Before I knew it, I was being wheeled into the OR.

I remember being wheeled into a room with HUGE bright lights. I then was put onto a table like thing and I thought, is this where I am going to have the baby? This is weird. I was put on horrible magneisum to help stop any seizuring activities. The doctor went about his work (he wasnt on call from my dr since she was on vacation, THANK GOD, because I hate her, never listend to my concerns when I knew things were not right, mothers intuition. He started talking to me and I thought why is he talking to me, but came to find out he was just making convo to make sure I was okay and still hanging in there. I was very very sick. And here they have a radio in the OR and I start hearing the lyrics, "Im staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain, Im going to the place where loe and feeling good dont ever cost a thing. And the pain you feel's a differnt kind of pain. I'm going home back to the place where I belong and where you love has always been enough for me". Little did I know, how big this song would play in a role. It has me thinking, is "home" really Heaven? Was that a HUGE sign that I missed? I cry everytime I hear that song.

And the dr was singing it. And as the song was on, at 9"16 in the morning, I hear a "cat's meow" and my little Naomi was born. I didn't get to see her. She was whisked right away to the NICU because of her small minute size. oh I will never forget it. Two days later, I was wheeled into see her in her little room in the NICU. she had her stunna shades on, sunglasses to protect her eyes from the bililight she was on.

Oh I was such a proud mother, walking those halls 35 days. She survived 35 days in the hospital. I would have friends visit and family and tell them updates. Oh I had NO reason for her not to make it. Yes there were rough days but I just didnt think death was near us at all.

Naomi, you made me a mommy, forever and ever I will be your mommy. Not a day that goes by that I do not think of you and miss you. Today I took your sweet sister Sadie to the beach this morning. I took 3 balloons, 1 yellow (because I associate yellow butterflies with you) 1 blue (for your mommys sweet friend Holly, whos baby boy Benji would be 1 years old tomorrow) and a big balloon butterfly that says "thinking of you on it". I wrote messages to you and sweet Benji on them. I was supposed to release them at 9L16am the time you were born, but I accidently let go of them while holding onto your sister, 20 minutes before and I was SO So upset. I got mad but realized nothing I can do about it. I thought you would forgive me. They flew away pretty quick and I didnt get to talk and say what I wanted to say to you. We stayed at the ocean for a little bit until sissy got antsy. I let her play in the sand and touch the water. I wrote your name in the sand as always, as I do before I leave. I stared out into the ocean. My stomach hurt. My chest hurt. I felt today all day like a dark hazy cloud lay over me and my whole body. We met up with my dear friend Holly after and sat at Starbucks so I can recieve 2 more shirts for our March of Dimes walk on Saturday. Oh it pains me, how both of you and Benji were born way too soon to preeclampsia. Naomi, today was harder than ever little girly. Harder than last year. I did alot of crying yet held alot in too. I got home from the beach and I saw your pictures on the screensaver, out of ALL of the family pictures on there, yours decides to play. I started bawling my eyes out. I scared your poor little sister and she started to cry. One day, I will be able to tell her why mommy and her go to the beach every year on your special day, I want to tell her all about you. She is going to know all about her big sissy and how you protected her so that mommy can have her here safe and sound. Mommy loves you forever and always my baby you'll be.

I want to thank all of my dear friends and family who thought of me and my babies today, this week, this month, and always. It means so much to me. Thank you.

Sorry there was no Easter post, or what not. So much emotions. WIll try and do one after this weekend, a late Easter post. Thank you all and I hope all had a nice holiday weekend.

Scatter brain

Knock, knock. Go to look out the window. Ugh, those people again. Do they ever stop? I decided I will open the door and see what they "want". Jehovah witnesses. They came a few other times to the house and spoke with me and I had said they can come back maybe Id be interested in a bible study. (Then I didnt know they were who they were). And well they came back UNANNOUNCED not on the day they said they were coming. I wasn't here. My father opens the door. My mom ended up telling me my dad was all mad and angry thinking it was something for my mom. You see, he is, for unknown reasons, against religion. THats pretty much the most they fight and get really heated about for the most part. I do not know why, when he was even brought up as Catholic. But as an adult, you choose which way you want to go or believe in. Just as I am struggling to do now.

Well they read a verse from the bible and then gave me to phamplets. I happened to glance while they were speaking at the one on the bottom just to see what it was. "How to cope with the loss of a loved one". Was the bottom one. They happened to know I had a daughter and they then asked if she was my first. I said no, and I said my first passed away. So yeah, I was sad and all these thoughts started to stir up, especially because her birthday is within days. I came inside and I sat on the couch and attended to Sadie and my school work. While Pandora radio was playing, a song came on and the tears started to flow. I hadnt heard it in a good while and I would always play it after Naomi passed. "Halo" by Beyonce. I just sat there and cried.

So, another random thing happened yesterday. I went out to dinner with a friend of mine from highschool. It was a very nice time and we ended up chatting about everything. Then she happened to tell me how her boyfriend, he is a new officer and has his first court appearance. She said that it is the 27th of April, and she thought of me. And then I cant remember what kind of person or who she wasw talking about, but she goes to me "and guess what her name is". I go "no way are you serious"? And the girls name was Naomi. I was like wow. And she told me she jsut had to tell me. I said awee how sweet. I tell you everyone thinks about me and Naomi and it just means so much to me! I actually signed on to inspire the other day. Inspire is the FIRST website I happened to come across after losing Naomi. I would journal there and oh boy would I journal. I let it all out. And I dont think I would hoenstly be here if it werent for that website, these moms were so concerned and would tell me their stories and just be there for me. Compelte strangers. Anyways, I met alot of mommies on there, one mommy happened to be local and we did our walk last year together! I logged on just recently and journaled letting others know I am still here. This mommy comments on how a few months ago she saw a yellow butterfly and started talking to it and thought of me and Naomi and even snapped a picture of it and still has it in her phone. I was just so taken back by that. Even complete strangers are out there thinking of my sweet baby girl.

Well this morning, I just picked up our shirts from my friend Holly for our walk on the 30th. And they are BEAUTIFUL. Sadie even has her own onsie. I cannot wait to walk. We have a HUGE group, over 50 walkers! I cannot believe it. Most is her family and friends and about 9 are my family and friends. I wish more would have wanted to walk, but thats okay, the important ones are walking with us, and some also did donate, so that means alot to me as well. I cant wait to hear the grand total from our team. I know we have raised between $7000 and $8000! And here I remember when my friend Holly told me in the beginning we are going to set our goal for $1000. I thought, no way will be reach that. And wow, we like quadroopled it times TWO! Amazing. Our babies are loved. That is for sure. I just hope Sadie will do well, I know it may be hot, so I will have to be parepared! I got in the car and I just cried. oh, I so wish things were different. I think alot lately how, I cannot believe THIS IS MY LIFE. I am forever the mother, whos baby died. MY BABY DIED. I sometiems still cannot grasp it. ANd it hasnt even been 2 years quite yet. Oh I miss her.

Lately, I have been having trouble. I have blogged briefly I think about it before or twice. But it is really bothering me and also I am wondering why I worry so much. But I have 4 friends from highschool, all on my FB, and they are all about the same amount of weeks. 15 or so. And I see how they are getting excited and what not and one even has already planned a shower, for in August and even took a few maternity pictures. At 15 weeks. I dont know why but it bothers me. I see, they were/are like me when I was pregnant with Naomi.I was naive. But, of course, noone really thinks anything will happen. I never did. I only thought one or two things could go wrong, boy, I was in for it. I see they keep talking about when they will be finding out what they are having and planning all for a baby. Of course, thats what you do. Theres so much excitement in the air. I would NOT wish anything bad on any mommy to be. I just feel like when I see their pictures and talk about it, I cant help it, but I get jealous. Jealousy is an ugly thing. But, its normal. We all have soem amount of it, some more so than others. I just want to be able to be happy for these girls and hope and pray their dream of a baby comes true. I will forever think and view this is my mind..a positive pregnancy test is a scary thing and doesnt guarantee a baby in the end. I have learned it all too well.

March of Dimes Fundraiser & Missing Naomi

Last night, April 16, (also marking Sadie being 7 months old) our March of Dimes Fundraiser was held. It turned out fantastic! We ended up selling $3000 worth of raffle tickets and donations and silent auction items. I couldn't be more happier.

My best friend came with me to help set up with my other friend Holly (who we are a team) and I met a lot of Holly's family and friends. It was at an Irish Pub and restaurant and Holly's boyfriends friends had came out from Ireland to be at this event. So very special.

I guess I thought I would be okay. But seeing Naomi's picture up there and knowing it was OUR event and I was part of it, it just got me to crumbles. I was trying so hard to not cry. I did pretty well for the most of the night. But towards the end of the night, I just got quiet and all I wanted to do was be at home crying and sleeping.

All day today, I was down in the dumps. I felt it ALL over my body. Grief stricken, all over again. I should be happy, but I am not, I miss my sweet Naomi more than anything. I guess I was so busy this month with school things and taking care of my little Sadie and nephew, the days are now coming to an end and in about 9 more days, my sweet Naomi will be 2 years old.

It just hurts. I stayed in all day with the babies today and I just pretty much laid on the couch, would attend to them of course and thankfully my mom was off today because I would not have been able to do it today with the way I was feeling. She could tell too, that I am depressed. My chest and stomach are filled with grief.

It had been rainy all day pretty much and so we had to stay in and normally I am taking them on a walk around 6 and finally around 630 I figured id take them for just a walk around the neighborhood.I finally made my way out and I put on Pandora radio but a christian station. And the first song that happened to play was "HELD" by Natalie Grant. As I got around the corner with the babies, tears just started streaming down my face. I remember always listening to that song after Naomi passed and just crying and screaming in so much agonozing pain.

Then another song comes on "You're not alone" and just that title itself I thought let me have a sign of Naomi, please. And here that song comes on and of course I cry some more but was able to stop because there were walkers and I didn't want to be bothered or see someone seeing me cry. "You cry yourself to sleep because the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep" "all hope seems lost" "You are not alone, for I am here"...are some of the lyrics.

For Naomi's birthday, I have decided I will be taking Sadie to Hollywood Beach, right as she wakes up, and bring purple and yellow balloons (2-3 perferably) and will write a message on them for her and release them at 9:16 am at the time she was born 2 years ago. I always stayed at the beach after Naomi passed and just always would stare out in the ocean and write her name in the sand. I figure, it will be a nice place to stay for a few hours in the morning and just sit in peace and talk to her. I am also planning on making cupcakes and lighting a candle all day for her. But I just want to do this on my own, no friends or family. I miss her terribly. My heart aches. I love you Naomi Hope. Always and forever.

Seven Months & Happenings!

My big girl is SEVEN months old! Where has the world gone? Where has time gone? Wait. Everybody Stop. FREEZE. Hold it. Lets hold onto this moment forever. Can we!?

At seven months old, my little girl just never stops smiling. She has such an adorable cute gummy smile. No teethers yet! I would say she is teething but I keep feeling and nothing. I am waiting for one or two to poke right on through! She also has sat on her own for a good 30-45 seconds then loses her balance and tips right over. But its a for SURE start!

Our daily schedule goes a bit like this:

6-730 : Wakes up on her own. The past two mornings was a 5am early wake up call. I thought to myself, youve got to be kidding me little lady! I would be greeted with a huge smile, I couldn't help but laugh. It makes me feel good though that I am doing a pretty darn good job, heck of the role of two!

8-she gets pretty hungry and I feed her a good size bowl of baby cereal or a jar of baby food (perferably fruits!) She loves her bananas and mix of strawberries I would say are her favorite.

She then plays in her walker or playpen for awhile, while mommy does the dishes/puts them away, some laundary, some computer/email work. Then about 930/10 is baby nap time!

She naps for like an hr at the most I would say. Then we usually get up (she does) and we play together and have lunch and usually go out and do errands and what not/

12-1 She will have another baby nappers and is starting to take bigger 2nd nappies which is good. WHile mommy works on her school work before she can actually register into school for this August.

Then she eats again after waking up and we play and of course at 5pm every day I try and catch ELLEN! I absolutely love her! I have never laughed so hard in an hr. Sadie even wacthes a few minutes of it too! She likes the theme song!

Then as soon as Ellen ends, mommy gets on her running shoes and gear, music and hand, bottle and binky made just in case and off to run! I have been pushing myself more and more each day running further!

Then we get back about 7, and we wacth WHEEL OF FORTUNE! Wait, before that, mommy collapses on the ground, and catches a breather! ha. Then we watch wheel, call me a grandma! Ha. I am very good at this show and I keep trying to get on it! I figure, its the closest way, I will get to ever winning some kind of money, rather than the "lottery". Ha, pretty come came to the conclusion, thats a no go! A girl can dream!

Then right after the end, Sadie is ready for baby bathies and about 8 o clock is bottle and bedtime!

She usually drinks 3 oz and then sometimes will wake up within an hr and want a little more. I cant get her to eat more than 3 oz at a time. She has weird eatings habits and only eats that much at a time. But I deal with it! She is gaining weight so thats all that matters and is a healthy girly at that!

I just love her with all my heart and I cannot believe 7 months ago &(& a day), I met my 4 lb 15 oz baby girl! WHo is now 13 lb 6.5 oz! I cant believe it! She is truely my light. She is definitely a strong girlie, you wouldnt think seeing her. A lot of people comment and think she is 4 or 5 months. She is little but she is "strong and mighty" as grandma says! :)

Twenty-seven (27)

Picture this: I was drivinf home from meeting up with my dear friend Holly reguarding our fundraiser on Saturday. I happened to pass a billboard with "27 million" lotto drawing. So, with my obsession with the number obviously having to do with my sweet baby girl Naomi. I immediately went into "lala $$$ land" and started thinking oh the things I can do with thay money! I, honest to god, am one of the most generous people there are. Probably why i am so broke as it is from way before I just gave and bought for others. Well, i thought for sure one of the first ones i would give back to are my parents, no explantation needed right!? Then i would give to my best friend and donate to charities like the MOD and PREECLAMPSIA FOUNDATION for sure. Then I would finally be able to buy my own first car (i wouldnt go after a pricey car, just one that has no dings or knicks in it, the lights inside work, a radio working, the essentials, nothinv extravagent just a decent mom car on wheels! I would for sure pay for a personal trainer to whip my wee behind into shape, (no plastic craptastic surgery for this mama) i am one far from lazy, so I for sure would go through the sweat drenching workouts to be able to say I DID IT I WORKED MY BUTT OFF! Id purchase a huge new stylish wardrobe for myself and baby Sadie, shoes, purses oh and Makeup GALORE! Last but not least, believe it or not, i would still sit my bootay in school and get some type of education just so i have it !

A girl can DREAM!!! I know! Well, i then began on my merry old way drivng on home and talking to naomi and as i get to my exit at the light, a yellow butterfly appears and then flutters away! I was like wow! Shes everywhere, now come on sweetpea send mama some wishful thinking lottery luck! As i got home and all for the rest of the day, i swear, no lie, the number 27 has came up about a good 5 at least times! Never before has it. I told my mom, she kind of just laughed it off like as if you think youll win. But, i think its still something special. Naomi is around more so than ever afterall her birthday is in two more weeks. Wow.

So as i came across and thought of it, i snapped the shots of thr number 27 appearing. One was the age of a man i came across on a heart wrenching story. Another one was a question and story related school work i was doing and the other one was anothet blog comment . Then also i noticed a lot of scores of "27" on words with friends today. But by golly, ive only bought lottery tickets twice in my whole 5 years of being legally allowed to. The drawing is tomorrow night, so i say why not, lets go and purchase one more ticket! Yes, i am 1 in a gabillion trillion but you never know! My dad won 6 grand in a pool from work 3 years ago, was off by one number for 200 thousand!

24+1?

Can we just add maybe a few more hours to the day so things can get done!? I have a list of 28435740 things to do and get done. THE NEVER ENDING LIST. Cross off 3 add another 2. My mind is ALWAYS on the go. I swear.

I purchased the wrong "app" on my phone the other day thinking it was a note app to help me better organize my notes instead of always scrambling for a piece of paper to write it down. But I bought the calendar that I already have, OOPS! So I deleted that app and I want to purchase the one app with the "sticky type notes". That looks neat and something that will help me for sure! Not a waste of money. As you can tell, or maybe not, I am "addicted and I just can't get enough" of my new phone. I just wonder, will I be able to keep up with the monhtly bill? I sure hope so, because I am in a 2 yr contract. I already owe Tmobile, I do not need another phone company after me. EEKS! Speaking of my phone, I got a word last night, on WORDS WITH FRIENDS that was 109 points! My best friend was shocked and showed me how to take a picture of it. Pretty neat. Unlike the "angry birds" that many love, I could care LESS for. I have never been interstede in those type of games, besides, I DONT HAVE TIME for that. I like the word game because it makes you think, makes that brain do some magic! I told myself on Wednesday, I am going to go PHONELESS and INTERNETLESS. I just want a break from technology. I dont want to be reached or have to continusely freak becasue I am thinking I am going to "die" if I dont see whats going on facebook every single second or the latest pictures and posts and what not. I just need a break from always constantly at my phone or my laptop. Have you ever felt that way? SO WEDNESDAY I WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE :)

Back to my list, I just would feel SO much better if I can get everything thats on my list accomplished for the day, but I just DONT. Especially with my nephew over like 24.6 I just cannot do it. I am always on top of the babies, and I dont ever have time for myself, to make myself look decent or even shower for taht matter. I always shower at night nowadays and look like you know what during the day. I am always trying to keep up with the house (living at home and not having to pay rent I feel I need to help, besides I have NEVER been a lazy person, always a HELPER). I cant stand doing nothing, So I am always doing laundary, dishes, cleaning the floor and the continuous messes my dad leaves in his area like its no tomorrow. MAKES ME HEATED i tell you.

The last couple days I had to let out a SCREAM. I feel bad because I just screamed (had to release it) and it scared my nephew and he started to cry. Two babies, the same age pretty much, are very demanding. Dont get me wrong, I love my nephew, but he lives here. I mise well adopt him seriously. I cant get much done. I worry about their needs and forget about my own stuff. My parents always tell me to leave hosuework and focus on them and what not but, I dont know about you but I CANNOT stand filth. Things have to be neat and ordered. ANd so as I sit here and blog, I am freaking because "my table" in the corner here has Sadie's clothes folded on it from tonight that I didnt get to do all day and my other list of things I need to get done. It just never stops. I am BEYOND overwhelemd and STRESSED.

My nephew got picked up today to go HOME where he belongs at 6 pm. Usually, her husband wouldnt pick him up until tomorrow (mid afternoon) since he is off tues to thursday but my dad insisted he be picked up tonight,. THANK GOD. I knew he was leaving at 6, I called my mom crying at 5 I just couldnt do it anymore. She reassured me he will be picked up. I changed into my jogging gear and as soon as my sister came and left, I was out the door with Sadie off for a nice run. I NEEDED THAT! Its amazing what that can do. I felt like almost, almsot a new person. Sweating and running with the music just relieves me. I kept thinking, here I am , working at it, and my sister goes and gets surgery. I am NOT a lazy person and it feels good to be able to say I run and I like to take care of myself (need to work double on that tho!)

So yesterday, I went to Target, to get one of my friends a birthday gift. She is the sweetest thing. I met her back almsot 6 years ago, at the Eating Disorder center when I went for 2 weeks. She is a petite little thing, 4'11 and has orange hair, just super cute reminds me of a MINI Lindsey Lohan (back in parent trap days) (def NOT like her one bit now) . She is quiet and is just super sweet has a heart of gold always has sent me things and I felt bad I had never been able to due to my money situation. Anways, I picked out her favorite gum, lipgloss and a $20 giftcard to Target (pretty sure she loves that store as well as I do! I swear I can spend a crapload of money in that store!) Well, I also bought 3 pairs of sockies for Sadie that were on CLEARANCE, I never really put socks on ehr anymore since its so damn hot here now (FL!) but I liked the colors (purple, pink, and white) and on sale! Can't beat that! I also rememebred I needed baby detergent. My mom always buys it for me but I thought this time let me buy it! I put everything on top of my doublestroller (I had both babies) and the degergent on the bottom since it was big. ($10 bottle). So I go up to the register pay for everything (or so I thought) (you can take a guess where I am going with this one). I had Sadie in my arm, my bag on my other arm pushing my nephew in the stroller and pushing them out to the car. I get to load them both in their carseats and I happen to look down and go "OH $h!t!". Yes, I TOTALLY forgot that I had the detergent!! I went back and forth decided should I go in there and tell them what happened and pay for it or just net time go and explain? Well I really did nto want to go back in, because I was dealing with the babies and they about had it. SO I choose to go on my way home. But on the drive, I felt SO SO SO guilty. I would NEVER intentionally steal, let alone with the babies thats just absurd. But, its been on my mind. OOPS!

Have you donated to the March of Dimes this year? Have you been out to your local places to help support your local teams!? Time and the days are dwindling and before I know it, it will be time for our fundraiser! I am so very excited, that our team, Spider's Hope, so far has raised $4,800+! I cannot believe it. And we have still have our fundraiser! This is the 2nd year in a row I have participated in the March of Dimes walk for my sweet Naomi. I will be walking with my dear friend Holly whom I met through the preeclampsia forums and we teamed up and have a team of over 20 people walking with us on Saturday, April 30th. Our fundraiser is on the 16th, next Saturday. We have SO many awesome prizes to raffle off, I am so siked! It will be at a local irish pub and restraunt and her boyfriend will be performing in one of the bands that night. So now, we are trying to get everyone out to help support our team and the MOD! I am excited for that night, my mom will be watching Sadie, and my best friend took off work and she will helps us sell raffle tickets and get people to doante as well!

So, I think my sweet little girlie, has been teething. Isn't drooling or any of that, but I have noticed she has been more cranky and is starting to knaw on things and what not. I keep thinking how weird yet cute it will be to see her with teethers in there! She is also found that when she hits the water, she can make water go everywhere! That is a new thing she is doing, started in the pool and then into the bathtub. I was able to get a mini video of it, I will have to figure out how to post on here to view! Its so cute! She also, has this thing where she put her feet in her mouth, in the bathtub and even when I feed her baby food. After bites she will stick her feet in her mouth, its too darn funny!

The other night, my friend Kylee came over who I hadn't really hung out with in a good while, yet is a sweet friend of mine. I met her at the eating disorder clinic we both stayed at (inpatient) back almost 6 years ago. I can't believe its been that long sicne we were there. We both have grown so much and are alot better, glad to report that! We ended up buying Sangria and cheese cubes and renting Toy Story 3! She came over, both babies were down and we had a great night! I am not much for cartoon type movies, but, how can you say no to Toy Story 3? (I have to admit, I see in THREE times in the theatres, I just loved it!) But my mom and sister didn't think it was that great, perferred the others!?

Remember when I mentioned about starting school again? Well, I had taken a test called the TABE test at the technical school I will be going to, its to see what areas I will need help in. I passed the math part (HUGE surprise, I am horrible) and the language arts I did as well. I need a higher score in the reading. So I was able to be set up with online mediation classes which is a huge help, because I didnt want to have to go in the classroom (ie having to find someone to watch Sadiekins!). So well, I have to spend 12 hrs a week doing that and when I am finished, I email the teacher and she will set me up to reschedule just the reading portion. I have always had trouble with the comprehension. But I came across this one question, and I immediately went to another place. (in my head). The word "antidote" I had heard once before. That was when I was in the NICU with the head DR discussing medicines and whatnot for my sweet , oh so sick sick baby girl Naomi Hope. Ugh. I remember her explaining she was on the phone with posion control trying to find a medicine that will help and work on my little girlie. I swear, I always find something, that reminds me of things reguarding her and what happened.

Have you ever heard or seen the "new thing?" Its called OPI Shatter. Its this black nail polish that you paint over any dry nail color on your nails and it becomes crackled type or "shattered" as glass would sorta look. I had never before heard or seen it until, one of the bloggers that I follow had wrote a blog about it and I thought that it was so neat! I seen another friend of mine that I know from highschool bought it, and I asked her where she purchased it from. I went out the other day with the babies, JUST to purchase it, but not for me, for my best friend. (I always am thinking of others, thats probably why my money goes down the drain :() but I would do anything for this girl, as she IS my best friend and has been there since I was abut 25 weeks pregnant with my dear Naomi and has helped me tremdendously through my grief and hard times. She knows I cant afford much and is always taking me out and stuff, I try to do things for her as well! The salon in JCPenny's where my friend said she purchased it at didn't have any more. So I ran to two others stores where I was told to and FINALLY I saw they had it. I would have been mad if I took both the babies out for that. But I was determined.

I told my best friend about it a while ago but she didnt know about it. I was surprised because she is ALWAYS painting her nails and toes , does a beautiful job. Has a huge collection of nail polish. So, I am surprising her with this. I am excited to give to her. I almost bought one myself, but they aren't that cheap for a bottle of nail polish, $9 and some change. But , I know it will go to good use with her. I just hope she likes it. I am sure she will think its neat, heck, I do! And my sister who is 15, says everyone in highschool has it. I wouldn't wear it every day type thing, but just for occasion. I don't see my best friend minding, but I tried it on me, and I think its neat! She will be coming over tonight once the babies are down and we are going to have some wine and cheese! (I happened to tell her about my night with my friend Kylee that she knows so she suggested her and I do the same after she gets off work!) So I am looking forward to that and surprising her with the nail polish! I told her to bring her nail polish over because I wanted a new color, but I just said that as a cover up. I am hoping she will wanna do her nails tonight too and she can test it out on her!

Would write more but, the babies just got up from their naps, so SUPERMOM duties await me! ta ta for now! :)

Wordy Wednesday

I absolutely ADORE baby Sadie, with all my heart and soul. I cannot describe in words how I feel for this little girl. She certainly completes me.

I love my sister, I really do. But, I am sorry, but her son, who IS my nephew, he practically lives here. Of course I love him, he is a great baby, no problems, but, being my sister doesn't work OR go to school, he mise well come with a moving truck with all his favorite toys and crib and all and move right on it. I have been babysitting him for a good couple of weeks. First started out as 2/3 days a week 9 to 3, not bad. Doable. Then, she started talking to my mom, needing more hours from me, so it was uped to 9am to 5 pm 4 days a week. Well, she ended up getting plastic surgery done, 3 places, and had asked me prior, if i can watch him 2 weeks for amount of money, I still htought should be more, but I agreed on it because I can definitely use the money. He is a 23 lb 7 month old (not fat at all just tall and off the charts type of baby) so she cannot obviously be lifting him. I started a week ago on a Monday with having him and then her husband would take him Tuesday night until Fri morning (his off days). I am happy, dont get me wrong, because money is money, and me not being able to go to work just yet, it ends up working out. Two words come to mind: slave wages. I am getting paid horrible for "how much she appreciates my help and all" as I am told several times by her.

It just frustrates me, she HAS money, she is set for some time, and well me, she should know my situation. I frankly, don't. I pretty much have nothing, I deal with what I have from a few grand from taxes 2 years ago and thats it. She can at least help me out a bit more, I think. But I just stay quiet. I am happy to be getting A CHECK rather than nothing. I am thankful. I just, ugh. My sister and her husband came over yesterday to pick Jimmy (my nephew) up for the 3 or so days he is off. I enjoy him, of course, but it is a lot of work with both babies, being they are like twins, 16 days apart. So I felt a "weight" as been lifted off my shoulders, knowing I can be more one on one with my Sadie and be able to do more/get more done. Well, he had woken up from a nap and I went to go get him (since my sister still cannot lift and is very very soar). I come out and bring him over to where she is in eyes view to say hello.

He takes a look at her, does a sad face with his lip turned down, grabs onto my shirt, puts his head into me and starts to cry. As if he didn't know who she was. She said "how sad is that" or something along those lines. I am thinking, well what do you expect? You never see him, he is always here, and well her husband takes care of him at night, she never really did the waking up at night thing with him. I didn't tell her all this of course, but I thought it. She has always been a dog person, she has THREE of them at home. THEY ARE HER LIFE. Normally, pets come 2nd when a baby coems along, right? Or well they are treated equally if you wanna say? But I always hear her yapping about her dogs or "worrying" about them. Never do i hear about her own son. And here she went through 40 weeks, perfectly healthy prengnacy, and had her baby shower, everything I didn't have. So many women CRAVE what she has, yet I had to go through a heart wrenching tragic loss, suffer through grief, forever will, and go through another pregnancy walking on egg shells about every twinge or pain I feel. Life just aint fair.

Last night I met up with my dear friend Holly whom I met through the preeclampsia forums and found she was local. I had met up with her one other time so this was our 2nd meeting. We met up with her sister and her 2 yr old niece and I brought Sadie to a family night at Monkey Joes for March of Dimes a fundraiser. I had never before been to this place, it was very cute. Its a place with 4 to 5 huge bounce houses for kids of different ages to jump around in.Sadie was just so happy, it was cute, she did a lot of squealing and was happy being out and was so smiley. There were prizes and tickets and we got to put the tickets in where we wanted to try and win a prize. There was pizza and dessert served and at the end the winners were announced. Sadie was a winner! She got a cute little toy that makes lots of noises, I had been eyeing that and was hoping she would get picked! HORRAY!

We walked in the doors and we saw pictures of tiny tiny babies mounted on a march of dimes board. I got teary eyed as if I was ready to break down and cry. My friend Holly, she had her son a good 12/13 weeks early to severe preeclampsia born April 28, 2010. He passed 3 months later, being on a ventilator his whole NICU time. So tragic, I feel for her every day. Naomi was born April 27, 2009, at 28 weeks, as well to severe preeclampsia. So we will both be walking in the walk April 30, along the beach, 6 miles.

I did it last year, my first year, for Naomi with another friend of mine. But this year, we have gone BIG. We have a HUGE team, I want to say up to almost 30 walkers, and have over $3000 raised! It is just wonderful! I am so excited how everyone has helped us make it this far. We have a fundraiser planned for April 16, at a local Irish Pub, with 4 bands and we will be raffling off tickets for AWESOME prizes. Heck, I will even enter! Our sweet babies are so very loved, as well as the many other babies born too early who survived and have passed.

A friend from highschool had given me a call earlier today and had wanted to come by with her 11 month old boy to have a play date with baby Sadie. I had plans to go out and try and get more donations from stores and places for our event, but decided I can do that tomorrow. She came over and we spent a good 2 hours or so chatting and watching the babies together. Sadie ended up needing a diaper change, so I went in my room and did my thing and she then came to change her son. She was admiring the room all in (pink) and saw Naomi's pictures up on her memorial. She said she musta been so small. Asked how small she was and I said, honestly, I cannot rememmber in inches. But I told her Ill find out. I then brought out "her memory box" I was giving that tragic day I will never forget.

I took a deep breath, whole time I was looking for what I had thought was in there, I felt like I had a big pile of rocks sitting in my stomach and on my heart, I showed her her little yellow had she always wore and gosh I hadn't smelt it in SO long and I did. Oh god. It still smells like the hospital and everything. I saw the baggy of her hair in there that was given to me as well and other items. I showed her the diapers she would wear, it pretty much looks like a women's sanitary napkin. I then found the item I was looking for it was in a pocket on the side of the box, I didn't even have to end up going through it all. It said she was 12.5 inches long. So a half an inch longer than a ruler. I simply then closed it. She then asked if she was buried or cremated.

I said, she was cremated. I have her :here: and I showed her my heart necklace I have on, that I NEVER take off from the day I got it, it stays on me forever. And then I said the rest of her, heart sinks, is in here. I opened her memorial cupboard and showed her the little box she was in (a silver heart) I had picked out. I told her I did not make any funeral arrangements, I left it up to my parents. I just COULD NOT think, or make any thing, in the state I was in. I sometimes wish I did do something, ie, bathe or, or put her in her outfit, or choose what was on the funeral cards, or something, but I just could not. I knew my mom would do well with whatever she choose to do.

Now that I had gone through all of that again, I hadn't in a few months, and now I am left in tears and just heart wrenching grief again. I remember how saw the pain was. It is undescribble. If someone would tell me at the age of 22, I would be attending my daughter's funeral, I would have said you are lying and that wouldn't be happening. <3 Naomi Hope you are forever missed and loved I will never forget you <3

One Fine Day...

One day, I will have a car of my very own.
One day, I will have my own house or apartment.
One day, I will have a husband, who loves me for me, not what I can give him, and won't use me or hate on my family.
One day, I will be asked to be married to the right way, and be happily in love.
One day, I will walk down the asile and be smiling and holding back tears while seeing my family and friends and the love of my life ahead of me.
One day, I will graduate from school and say I did it.
One day, I will be able to move out of this house and have a home to call "my own".
One day, I will be paying the dreaded but the bills I crave to be able to pay, ie, insurance, gas, food, etc for myself and Sadie.
One day, I will learn to dance :)
One day, I will learn to cook healthy meals.
One day, I will be able to apply my make up without my sister telling me "do this otherwise" ;)
One day, I would like to have 1 or 2 more children IF I find the right guy.
One day, I want to be like a housewife and a worker, and a mom, and be able to do it ALL.
One day, I want to be able to go out and pamper myself without worrying if I have the money on my card.
One day, I want to be able to say I ran 5 miles.
One day, I would love for my random yet so obsessive thoughts to just go away.
One day, I would like to go to bed for once at 8/9pm and have a good nights rest for once.
One day....
One Fine Day...

Rambles much?

I am EHAUSTED. What a day, what a week, and my two weeks are almost over? Halfway? I have been watching my nephew since last Monday, and I am totally exhausted. Its like I have twins I tell you. I am proud of myself, I manage it all, somehow. I am always getting compliments on how great I am doing with the babies, or how do I do it all. I just grit and smile and say, I AM SUPERMOM, I CAN DO ANYTHING. Yeah right, add another 10 hands and I will be a LOT better.

I like to think I can do it all. But I can't. LIke for instance, today, I have been trying to keep up with the dishes & kitchen and floor clean (ie thats an EVERY day thing) and being able to keep and entertain the babies and have them on their schedules naps down together so mama can have some "r&r time" that wasnt happening today. They napped completely opposite but I let that go. I did let out a few screams, I just had to get it out. :X I did take them to the mall tho with my friend and that was a nice outing, she hadnt ever seen my 2nd daughter and I hadn't seen her in a LONG time so it was great seeing her, great getting out and passing some time by.

I have quite some busy days ahead of me and the long LISTS are never ending. I am so tense right now, but I wanted to blog before I hop in the shower, do my mama thing and get my little tooshy into bed. Problem is, I just treated myself, to the IPHONE yesterday!!! What a treat that was or is. It is worth it. I did, however, purchase the iphone 3, because I just got to think SMART for ONCE and do with something I can afford for now. I figure when I do graduate school and go on to working I can treat myself and do an "upgrade". But let me tell you, that darn thing is ADDICTING. I cannot get off of it. I find myself addicted to the "words" with friends. I am not one for playing games at all. My best friend keeps trying to get me to play these odd games she likes, I laugh, shes so into it. But, cute but just not for me, besides, I do not have time on my hands to be playing games after games, with 2 little ones.

But yes, I certainly am happy with my phone, but I can't live on it really. Once school starts, I will be very busy, and I can't worry about "facebook" and what people are up to and all this other "unimportant" stuff I really shouldn't be to focused on.

I will blog more about my upcoming dates I am anxious sort of excited about! I will have more free time my nephew will leave tomorrow and will be back on Friday.
My mind is just in jumbles all over all the time. I NEED SLEEP. SLEEP.