Grief Stricken, badly.

I miss her with every part and soul of my body, it hurts, it hurts all over again like the coming days after my sweet Naomi passed.

Yesterday, my friend Anne came over with her daughter Mia for their first "playdate". Even though Sadie is only 4 months old, and her daughter will be 2 next month, it was nice to see them and catch up on things.

When I was in the hospital after I had Naomi, her and her husband came with Mia, then almsot 3 months old, and brought me a beautiful pink laundary baby basket FILLED with diapers, baby laundary detergent, toys, and all the necessities prob well worth $1o0. I was just so taken back by it all, I will never forget it and still til this day when I see her I think about it.

Well after she left, unknowingly, I felt sad. And well I had plans the following night (today) to go out with my best friend and a few others to karokee, and that had fell through because my mom had a quick change to take my sister and her friends to Busch Gardens because my sisters very good grades. I was upset about that because I had been looking forward to it for this week but then I told myself there will be other days.

I was sitting on my laptop when my mom came home and I was still bothered by it when she had said she would babysit for me, and I NEVER ask to go out or do anything, and this was just one time (besides new years) that I really wanted to go and do. So I was crying a little, overtired and whatnot. I then without looking at her said, "can I have my pictures of Naomi?" She spoke with me asking if I am sure, and went to go get them. She held them in her hands and said are you sure again? She said I can tell you where I keep them and you can go see them when you want or need to.

And let me just say, I have never seen them, these are pictures that were taken after my Naomi died. 18 or so months, I have not seen then but knowing they were around, lately they had been on my mind. So she told me where they were kept, and put them back. As my mom went to bed, I went and got them. I took one look at then (there were two) and I immediately started bawling. My mom told me previously that "its not her Jill" Its not her.

She is all discolored and on her hands were all bruised from the iv lines and everything. And just was there. She was right, did not look like her. It wasn't her. That was not the sweet baby girl I grew to know for 35 days here , yet 8 short months in mommy's tummy. And I just held them and cried and cried.

I went to bed with a heavy heart. I couldnt sleep at first and I went into the kitchen and here Naomi's video was playing. I went up close to it on the computer screen and watched as she would barely open her eyes and watched her little mouth and her tongue move with that stupid iv down her, I was able to only catch 45 secoonds and I had to press a key on the computer to stop it (the screensaver is a collection of ALL the pictures and videos in the computer and just so happens her video was playing) A sign? I think so.

Well this morning, I woke up grief stricken. Badly. my stomach hurt, felt so heavy and so did my heart. Yes I have my beautiful Sadies with me, and to love and to hold and to kiss and to help fill my void, but I was just missing Naomi SO much and have all day today since last night.

I was browsing blogs today and came across a friends blog and on hers I clicked onto another. This mother happened to have a baby bornstill, on 4/27/2010. A year ago from Naomi's birthday. I thought there is another sign. Yet I still felt so horrible for these parents . I know their pain all too well.

I feel like I should be doing more for my Naomi and all the other babies passed, So many mommies and daddies do. They create funds or things in name of their babies or go on to create groups to help grieving families, or make babies names in neat forms. And I don't or haven't done anything, I feel. I dod do the March of Dimes last year, but I feel i need to do ALOT more. I don't know what, but I want to search within myself and figure it out. I want to do more, i want to stop all of this from happening WAY too many times. Too many.

Maybe I can create something for grieving parents and families or sisters and brothers? I am not very creative, but I have to use my brain and think. I must do more. I must.

I miss my little sweet Naomi. I miss her so much today. I always do. I dont think people truely understand my pain, unless they have been through it. Today, I read and other days, how some friends cannot wait or are rushing the birth of their babies because they are "sick" or "bothered" by being pregnant. It kills me, I want to go off on them, but I don't because I feel like everyone else will attack me.

If only they knew what I went through and STILL live with every single day of my life. It wont go away. I will ALWAYS live with the fact I do not have my firstborn with me. The fact I will never hear her say Mommy, never see her smile, never see her go off to school, never see her get married, or have kids, all those milestones. I only can TRY and imagine what it would be like, yet I don't even think I can do that.

Each and every day I come across more and more stories of loss, of parents and mommies losing their babies and it just BREAKS MY HEART every single time. I cry and cry at every single story. And I feel my grief all over again. I wish I can do more, so much more. In time, I think I will be able to do alot. I just need to get there.

I miss you Naomi Hope Marish. Not a day goes by that I never think of you. I look at your little siter and I see alot of you in her, and I think you would have grown up to look like her. I really believe so. I thank you for sending your sweet sister to me. One day, we will all be reunited again. Love you baby girl always & forever.

FOUR MONTHS OLD!?!?

On this day, 4 months ago, at 11:00 am, I gave birth to Naomi's beautiful baby sister, Sadie Marie Marish, weighing 4lb 15 oz and 16.5 inches long. I kissed her on her sweet forehead and griminced at her sweet newborn cries.

It feels like yesterday that I was being wheeled in to the OR by the nurses & DR. I remember that day, passing a newborn baby girl just a few hours old and thinking awe, that is going to be me very shortly. Oh how I wish I can do it all over again.

At 4 months old, Sadie can:

smile, smiles at mommy, grandma and others. She has the prettiest smile ever. When she smiles, her whole face lights up and she just gets besides her self. It is by far the cutest.

laugh!: Just a couple days shy of turning 4 months old, Sadie surprised mama by laughing at a weird sound when I was changing her diaper! She only did it 2 other days once in a row, but I am sure as this month goes by, I will hear more baby laughter, music to my ears! Oh I just get all giddy hearing her little laughs, so cute and amazes me those noises come out of my little girl.

can hold her head up pretty good & looks around & is aware of things alot more!:She will turn her head alot and look around at things in the house or when out. It is just so crazy in so little time how one can change and how much she can learn. She also is on to sucking her little thumb to calm her down & have her be at peace with herself. She holds and plays with her little blankey and will figure out a way to put her thumb into her mouth & soothe herself to sleep, melts mamas heart!

She also does very well at tummy time, will go for a few minutes & then wants to be picked up by mommy. I noticed alot that she has become a LOT less colic, I'd say it pretty much has gone away.

The other day, she slept 6 straight hours after mama put her to bed for the first time in her own little thing. It felt great that I was able to do that yet sad because she is growing up way too fast.

My little Sadie is 4 months old! WIll have her 4 month old checkup tomorrow :( having to see her get those shots, pains me, but it keeps her from being a sick little girl often! I am curious on how much she weighs! I am guessing around 12.5 lbs. Last visit at the special doctor for her kidneys she weighed almost 10 lbs !

Milestones!

A week ago, I noticed Sadie started eating on her hands, so got me thinking, is she starting to teeth a bit? I googled and some said it could be that and or just learning and noticing her hands, developmentally. I thought how cute!

Then sure enough, I come in to check on her napping in her little swing, and I gasped. SHE WAS SUCKING ON HER THUMB!!! It was toooo cute! I just stood there a few minutes watching her. That I noticed was on the 7th.

Then *today* around 2:35 I thought I better hurry up and change Sadie's diaper before I have to run to get my sister from school. And a few minutes prior to that I thought Sadie was doing her business aka "tinky diaper" so when I had her on the changing table I was changing her and I said "no tinkys?!" she made a little noise like a half kinda laugh thing. I gasped. So I said it again, and, SHE STARTED TO LAUGH! I did it again, and she let out another laugh. Oh it was the CUTEST thing I had seen from her lately. I started welling up with tears. I just starred at her. To think those noises and sounds are coming from my little girl, oh she is growing up before my very own eyes! I quickly texted my mom and best friend and a few others. I was too happy!

I know there are lots more milestones to come, I just hope I am around to catch them!

Oh! And a few days ago, I got a text from a wonderful mama I have been talking to and keeping in touch with from the preeclampsia forums. She had told me her and her husband and baby were coming down this way to visit for the day. I was SO excited when I got that text. I had never gotten up so early and showered and got baby Sadie all clean that quick .

As I was walking up to them I started getting very teary eyed. I thought damn it Jill dont cry. Not now. But yet we both have been through hell and back lately and also from losing our sweet firstborns, and how we both now have our rainbow babies and meeting for the first time, oh it was just bittersweet but very nice. I had such a great time with them. We spent the day at the mall and had a nice lunch at Grand Lux Cafe.

I didn't want to say goodbye but good things have to come to an end and so they had to start heading back to their side of town. I am hoping to definitely see them again and next time head up over their way. It was too cute, we were telling everyone that they were on a date together, we got so many comments. Sadie wasnt the little baby anymore though, everywhere I went she was usually the little one! :)

Welcoming 2011 with open arms!

Sorry about the one little picture and nothing written before! I was on my way to blog then I got interuppted by my friend, at the door to go have an early lunch with Sadie & I before mama's big night out. Which I was counting down sense early December for! I love love love being with Sadie, dont get me wrong, but I think every mama needs a day or few hours to themselves. And after 3.5 months, and it being New Years, I thought let me ask my mom if she can babysit, (I NEVER ask!) and she gladly accepted. Mama had a grand time with her friends. My mom has been amazing, I can't thank her enough! I even took over at 3 am (even from a few drinks, but sobered up before coming home). I am told by my sister, I am a super mom! She doesn't know how I do it. And I am even doing it pretty much on my own. Its not easym but I love every minute of it!

So it being a new year and all, this year is MY year. My year to shine! I have so much I want to accomplish and be able to do. I am scared, very scared. I think about it all and I get overwhelmed. I will be attending school in the next few months, for what you may ask? I am not so sure. But it has to be SOMETHING to where I can support both my daughter and I. I am 23, and will be 24 this year-STILL living at home. Well moved back home from being in an abusive marriage, so I did get a taste of being out on my own I would say. I think about it though alot, will I be out of here BEFORE my 15 yr old sister graduates highschool!? I worry about that. But I could be alot worse, I could be stuck with nowhere to go. I am so lucky my parents took me in. I owe them alot.

I worry, when or where or who I will be putting Sadie with for daydare or to watch while mommy goes to school. Or will I be able to find something online school wise that I can do it from home and be able to watch Sadie as well as do schooling? I am with her 24/7 and just th thought of her being gone or with someone other than family FREAKS ME OUT! I try not to think about it but I just have to, its reality and its coming up QUICK! I have to set and make plans for this year for myself & miss Sadie. Make goals and REACH them. I dont even own my own car. Never have. I am 23. I would SO love to work towards saving up to get a decent car for myself. I also would like to learn to SAVE period. Since I was 15, I have always been horrible with money. Why didn't they have something like that in highschool? If it wasn't for me spending every cent from when I was a nanny for 16 months, I wouldnt be here at my parents house. I made $500 every week, some good money for what I did, and every single cent was spent. Clothes, on hy husband and his family (wish I never did), my sister & her friends, I was always offering to pay for dinners and lunches, getting hair and nails done, I thought I had it made. WRONG. And now I look back, all that money and hard work down the drain.

Now I have got to start over again. Its okay. I can do it. I have to. I could have had my own car by now, my own little place. Just gotta go FORWARD from here. I wouldn't have to depend on my $$$$ that I have got from taxes and that be it. I am worried. But I am here with my family but I do NOT Want to depend on them anymore. Yet I sitll have to for a little while until I pick up things. I am scared I wont be able to do it all, juggling school & work, and Sadie and other things. I worry, will i ever find a good man? Someone that someday Sadie can call Daddy? It hurts. I want her to have that in her life, but for now, mommy has to worry about her and I, working on getting mommy back up on her own, that can come later.

So my goals for this year are:

1. Complete some schooling, whatever it may be, and work hard. Study hard. GIVE IT MY ALL.
2. Learn to SAVE $$, learn that not every $ in my bank account does not have to be spend just because "I have it".
3. Learn to say No. "No" as in I cannot buy my friends dinners or lunches anymore. I am a single mom, I just cannot afford it with NO money coming in. Learn that they will understand.
4. I would LOVE to learn to cook a few meals or dishes. I have conquered baking for the most part this last half of the year. I need to learn to cook for Sadie & I someday, healthy meals that is!
5. Put away money for a car. My very first car.
6. Exercise & stay healthy. Yes everyone says that, but I mean it. I would love to be able to at least take daily walks or runs with Sadie in the stroller or every other day as I can, and trim down and just be healthy for hersake & mine.
7. Start to work on Sadie's photo album and get that going! (How to pick and pring so many of her pictures!)
8. To work on my relationship with my father, sisters & brother. Since middle school my relationship with my father hasnt been the greatest. Yet I admit hes been such a great father, I am very lucky to have. I just dont know how to form a relationship with him and I need to work on that. He is quite close with my 2 sisters and brother, I have always seemed to push him away. And my siblings I would like to form more of a bond with them.
9. BLOG MORE & LEARN TO ADD & REARRANGE MY BLOG!!! (any help is GREATLY appreciated)

If I can think of anything else, I will add! But I think that is quite a hefty list there! I will come back and relook at this in 3 months or so and see where I am on each one of these!

I am excited and hoping for a great year! This year Sadie will have all of her firsts, well some of them and I just am hoping I can be around to see and catch them.

Hope you all have a safe & wonderful New Year. Heres to 2011!

Merry Christmas!

This Christmas, I have an angel in Heaven, who has had her 2nd Christmas up there. Her name is Naomi. I miss her with every inch of my body. I grabbed her ornamnet on the tree tonight, and just kissed it. This morning, was a little difficult. While opening gifts with the family, I felt my eyes beginning to fill up with tears. Even with the laughter, the smiles, the gift opening, EVEN WITH SADIE IN MY ARMS. I got up and took Sadie to my room and just had to sit in the rocking chair & let the tears flow.I kissed Naomi & kissed her pictures.I then heard my name, jumped up, wiped my face, and came out and began on with the festivities.

This Christmas feels alot different than last years. Last year, I did not want to partake in ANY thing. I can barely remember last Christmas. I do know I was in Philly with my sister and grandma. I remember getting a journal from my Uncle, because I specfically told him I wanted nothing. He too knows how I feel, he lost a child at 9 years old. So he knows. So I had that journal to write things out, write out my pain, write out my anger, my hurt, my sadness. I am in alot better place now than I was last year. I didn't think I would make it. I have. I actually wanted to do things this Christmas, bake, and hang with the family, it felt different, yet a little bettter, yet still sad. I will forever have that spot in my heart that aches, that spot that is for Naomi. Can never be filled.

This Christmas was very nice. We spent the morning opening gifts, I just watched everyone open theirs, with Sadie in my lap. Then everyone was wanting me to open gifts. I didn't care much for gifts. My gift, was in my lap. She was here, perfect as ever. I just look at it is I got my gift 3 months early :) (on time tho Thank God). My sister came over with my nephew and her husband and it was very lovely. Later this evening we were invited to a Christmas party at my brother in laws fathers house. I am glad I went! My mom, two sisters, and babies went. They all awwed at them, and how they are so close in age, yet saw the big difference in weight and size wise. I explained about Naomi to this one older lady and after I said she passed, she says "oh I am so sorry." then says "oh well you have her now". I am sure she didnt mean it like that, but I felt it. I just kept that replaying in my head for a few minutes. Then went on with the night. I enjoyed talking to the others and sharing Sadie, oldies marveled over her, got some smiles here and there. Made mama happy & proud.

This Christmas was bittersweet. My sweet Naomi I know is watching over her mommy and little sister. This Christmas I have my 2nd daughter, Sadie, to spend it with and my wonderful family & friends. I am truely blessed. To me, it is not about the gifts, its about being with the ones you love and enjoying the company and sharing stories and building memories. I have always been someone who was not materialistic. I could do with out a LOT. One thing I did receive, the big gift I had asked for though, was a camcorder. Santa brought mommy one this year, so I can video Sadie as she grows & catch her milestones.

This Christmas was a hit. Merry Christmas my angel Naomi. Mommy loves you so very much and misses you dearly. So does little sister Sadie. Merry Christmas to all the families, and sweet babies and children who cannot be here with us, but are forever in our hearts and minds every single day. Here is to Christmas 2010 and may these last 5-6 days of the year be filled with fun, laughter, hope, love, faith and happiness.

Has it been THAT long already?!?

Sadie is now 3 months old and 3 days! I cannot believe it. It feels like yesterday that she came home from the hospital, on her bililights (soon to become two). I remember as if it were yesterday. The other day, I had her laying on my bed and I was talking to her and I just immediately remembered when she took up "this" much space and now is taking up "this" much space. She has definitely grown alot since birth! Thats a wonderful thing, yet makes me sad. I have been told by several mommmies that time flies in the blink of an eye. Boy are they RIGHT. She has done so many new and cute things. This past week, she started making these sounds and whenever mommy would do it she would COPY me. Also, I can tell she is definitely more aware and will look around at things. FOr example, at night, she will just look & stare at the Christmas tree and the lights. Its so cute. And of course, she smiles more than ever now. I CANNOT wait to hear when she first laughs! That is just going to make me melt! Oh the things to come!

This past Monday, Sadie fell asleep from 8 to 11, I was suprirsed, IN her swing. I took her back to bed because I was ready for bed, fed her & she went back to sleep. That was a first of going to sleep alot earlier than the other nights of 11/12 o clock. Made me a happy mama!

Also, on Wednesday, we had her apt at the hopsital for a reflux test. We went into this room and there was a machine and a little gown for her to wear. I was sad and all worked up about having to have her to have this test done. I was worried it was going to hurt her. But she did well, just a little tiny tube up the bladder & a doctor came in to take pictures. Negative on the reflux. So that was good. Just will have to do more following up for her hydronorpsis (sp?) (fluid in kidneys). I like this doctor, he is very nice & explains quite well.

Later on that night, I attended a NICU party that my friend invited me to at Joe Dimaggio. Neither one of my babies were born there, but I WISH I had Naomi there. A couple months after Naomi passed, I spoke to a friend and a few others, who have had their babies there. That is a children hospital, and did have a level 3 nicu just like Plantation General did. But I just feel as if she were born there, she would have been here today. Everytime I see that hospital commercial on the tv, I get all sad and worked up. I met so many families that night. In the beginning, it was tough. EVEN THOUGH, I was holding Sadie in my arms. I saw all these families saying hi to each other (known prob from inside the NICU) and I just got teary eyed. I thought wth I cannot cry in here I just cant. They have gone through all so much but yet SO HAVE I. MY DAUGHTER DIED. She DIDNT make it. But I was able to hold it together thankfully. I spoke to a mom, who knew of my story somehow through FB, and ended up pointing out two families to me. Her daughter, which is 27 years old, had her baby girl at 30 weeks weighing 1 lb 6 oz, and I spoke right up, "preeclampsia?". Of course it was. Made me sad but her little girl is doing well, SO so pretty.

I also was told about an 11 oz baby who was born in that hospital, smallest ever in Broward County (where I live) to live and survive. Has some issues but otherwise is pretty good. I am just amazed at all the stories. But I was glad to have went and had a very nice time speaking to the families & seeing my friend.

Marvelous Monday!

I cant believe the time is already here. The holidays have came upon us just as quickly as they left last year. The holidays should be a happy and exciting time, but to be honest, I am not all smiles...Yes, my beautiful Sadie is here with mommy, and I am EVER so thankful for that, she is what I craved for after I lost Naomi. But, I just find myself having my days to where I just still cant believe she is gone. I remember how distraught i was last year this time. I can barely remember last December honestly. I just wanted it to fly on by.

The other day I was holding Sadie, letting her look at the lights on the Christmas tree that was put up and my mom had the radio on with Christmas music. On comes "Where are you Christmas" by Faith Hill. I always have loved this song and reminds me from the Grinch movie. I immeditately said out loud to my mom "awe this song is sad". And as it started playing, I just got overwhelmed and tears started streaming down my face. My mom knew. She just hugged me. I had to take Sadie into my room and just cry. I felt like as if I was stabbed, and punched 1000 times. I just really missed Naomi and yearned for her right then and there. I just hugged Sadie & told her I am sorry. I love both my girls so very much. I just felt the extremem sadness I havent felt in a while and it really got to me.

These last few weeks and days, I honestly cannot believe where they went. I swear, it feels like I just had Sadie yesterday. I remember her just SWIMMING in her newborn clothes and look now! She is already into O-3 months size! I can't believe it. Every day, I swear she gets prettier. A couple days ago, I would say around the 7th of December, Sadie started making these little almost like cooing sounds, makes a sound with her mouth just like mommy does. I will do it and she will repeat it. It is the cutest little thing. Its as if she is communicating trying to tell mommy something. I love seeing and watching all her new things and milestones that she will hit. I wake up to her each & every morning and I just look at her something thinking "is she really mine?" She will wake up and I will talk to her and she just lets out BIG baby smiles. I just love it! I get lots of comments on how she looks alot like me. I see it, and I love it. I just think how beautiful it is how two people can create such life. Yet I wish things were different on my end. But thats OKAY!

I am proud of myself. I am doing this pretty much ALL on my own, yes with financial help from my parents and I am BEYOND BEYOND thankful for. But care wise, I am taking care of Sadie 24/7. I dont catch a break. Thats okay. It's not easy, but I love being a mommy, both to her and Naomi. I am looking forward to whats to come in both of our futures!

On Saturday, I took Sadie to Meet Santa. I got to dress her up in her little santa outfit and take her on to the hospital where she was born at. There were so many kids & families with their children & babies all dressed up. I felt so happy, to take Sadie, and share this experience with her. Although she slept most of the time, she woke up a little on her own as I placed her in Santa's arms. They took 2 pictures of her and one with mommy in with Santa and Sadie. I can't wait to see how they turn out! I will be able to place a picture in her First Christmas 2010 picture frame!