Super Slammin Saturday!

Those 3 words pretty much sum up my day: Super Slammin Saturday! I haven't had a great day like this in a long time. I mise well enjoy my "freedom" while it lasts. Before I know it, I will be way over my head busy in school, and I, cannot wait. I am excited!

This morning, I woke up with miss Sadie around 9:30 to her babling away, she talks mostly in the morning, but never talks like that during the day. Its too cute and funny. I'll have to get on learning my video camera to catch some of it!! I fed her, hopped in the shower (and let me remind you I am never quick to jump in the shower first thing. It takes me a while to wake up and be up for the day!) But I did and it got me feeling awake & fresh!

I made a healthy bowl of oatmeal, with walnuts, raisins and cut up bananas! It was quite filling too. I am trying today again to do well with eating wise. I don't eat too much but its those darn sweets that do it to me! I then ran out with Sadie to the bank & Target. I picked up a gift for my friend Anne's daughter, a little dress, who had a birthday party tomorrow! She LOVES Elmo. Elmo is going to be in attendance and they live down the next neighborhood from us. They have been so giving and kind to me, with Naomi, and Sadie, came to visit me in hospital both times with my girls. So theres no question in my mind, I must go. I was in the asile with the cards and was trying to decide on what "2" year old card to get, then I saw the perfect one. You guessed it! ELMO. As I was looking at it in my hand, all of a sudden, my eyes got filled with tears.

Naomi would be two I remembered in 2.5 more months. I should be picking out a card for her. I quickly gathered the card, grabbed 2 First baby Valentine cards & went out of that asile. I thought it would be cute to get my nephew a 1st card, so I will be sure to drop that off sometime tomorow for him. I also, came upon a FLORIDA MARLINS pink onsie set (2) and I flipped over price and just HAD to get it. I used to be a HUGE fan of the Marlins back a few years ago but then stopped. I figure, I gotta try and root for them this year and get miss Sadie into them! :) So I can't wait to see her in that, and I happened to get 6 to 9 month size, so by that time, they will be in full play and she will fit into them! I am excited!

Finished up the rest of my shopping and ran on home so Sadie can nap. She happened to nap only 30 minutes, silly girl. She does pretty well with no napping. She must be a baby that doesn't need much sleep. Grandfather may be right, she may happen to like the night life, OH MAMA IS IN TROUBLE. ;) I then realized it was going on almost 3 o clock so I had to gather us all up again and meet at Starbucks with a friend.

I happened to text her the other night asking her how she is and we haven't really spoken in a LONG time. She texted back how weird it was that I texted her, that I had been on her mind too! So we ended up making plans to meet for a little. She is a few years younger than I am but a very sweet girl. I met her back 5 years ago, at Renfrew. I went to an eating disorder clinic for 2 weeks back then and happend to find out she lived right in the same town I did! We had a good time outside and she kept commenting on how well Sadie was behaving and how gorgeous she was. Made me a happy mama!

From there, I had plans to meet with my best friend to Color Me Mine. My mom and sister went there a few months ago. It is a pottery type place, you pick an object and paint it and then they fire it up and you pick it up a week later. My mom thought it was very neat and she ended up getting my best friend and I a certificate at Christmas to use. I was a bit weary of taking Sadie with us. My mom offered when she is off to watch her so my best friend and I can go. But, I enjoy taking Sadie places and she was VERY well behaved. I saw alot of people in there and was worried that she wouldn't do so well, but she did! No one would ever notice a baby was in there! My best friend picked out a CUPCAKE :) she did a beautiful job. I can't wait to see it finished all glazed up! I will be sure to post pics when she gets it back!

I happened to pick out a very special thing. It is a surprise tho! I wasn't able to finish it, due to me having to hold Sadie sometimes, I didn't want to mess it up. So I was able to take it home with me, and will go back later this month to finish it. So mine will take somet time, but like I said its very special and I want it to look nice. Oh! On the way when we were almost done, I said "boo!" to Sadie a good couple of times. And she started LAUGHING. My best friend has never heard her laugh. Sadie doesnt laugh every day but every couple days. And I think yesterday I forgot that I had made her laugh by saying "boo!". But this one was just ONGOING. Oh it made me so happy . I was grinning from ear to ear! I love that little girl so much. I have really got to figure out how to work my new video camera. Ive got to get it on camera! Music to my ears!

So it was apporaching 7pm, I thought I gotta get this little girly into bed soon. We were both starving. She didn't have any plans for the rest of the night so we ran up to the mall and got chicken and rice and beans and brocolli and brought it home with us. I was able to put her to bed and we had girl time, ate, and watched episodes of Cupcake Wars! I think its a neat show. It reminded me, I wanna find a recipe to make for my dad. His birthday is coming up, March 2nd! With me now being confident enough, I wanna actually make something! He loves Key Lime Pie. I am not a fan, but for him, he sure is! We looked up Key Lime Cupcakes and found such a cute one, but has a LOT of steps to it. My best friend, is too sweet, she offered to come over and help me make them. I don't think we will need all 24 of them, so she said she would take some to her work with her! I am excited to make those!

While we were watching TV, I happened to get up a few times to check on Sadie sleeping. I just had this gut feeling, she wasn't okay. But I went in and looked at her closely and she is fine. I then did it once more before she left and I came back and my friend thought I maybe heard her. I explained, that I didn't. But that I can't help myself but I am always worried, I feel like she will die in her sleep, SIDS, or something else. I told her I picture myself falling to the ground in HYSTERICS crying. I lost Naomi, she died, doesn't mean nothing won't happen to my little Sadie. And at that moment, I just felt like CRYING hysterically. I can't help but feel that way. I pray to God that it wont ever happen, but, because I am a bereaved mother, nothing is far from not happening. I just can't explain how I felt. I still feel it. But I can't really let it out right now. I love both my girls SO much. A mother's love is simply unexplainable yet the BEST FEELING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD <3

Where you come from youre outta this world to me

I am sitting here tonight, playing videos on youtube of songs, that remind me of Naomi. I've been down lately. I can't quite put my finger on it why exactly, but I am.

"Beautiful" by Akon. When I was pregnant with Naomi, this song was out then. I LOVED it. Now, well, its hard for me to listen to it. When I would be driving in the car, I would blare it, and dance in the car while driving and SO WOULD SHE. She did so much moving and gymnastics in there I swear. This song I just automatically think of her when I hear it, even tho the lyrics are SO not related really. But my sweet Naomi is SURELY beautiful, no doubt about that.

I miss her. In about 2.5 months, my baby girl would be TWO years old. Wow. Two years ago almost I gave birth unknowingly that I would lose her 5 weeks later to infection in the NICU. When I was in the NICU I was told of all the positive outcomes and stories. Of course! Noone will tell you the negative ones. I remember a nurse of Naomi's had seen me downstairs (I was ALWAYS there 10-12 hrs a day EVERY SINGLE DAY) and she introduced me to a couple that had twins, they were on some monitors, but they were very much there and so cute. She told me briefly about their story and here they made it and were visiting the NICU to show off their babies being older and doing well.

I was always asked when I would go in the cafe to get some lunch of breakfast, how Naomi is. I would always wear my "proud mom" pin. I just walked that hospital so proud of my baby girl.

Last year, my best friend baked and made the most beautiful birthday cupcakes for her. I knew there was no question about it that I was going to have her make them for Naomi's 1st Birthday. But now, since I am alot more experienced with baking and in the kitchen, I think I am going to give it a try and make either a cake or birthday cupcakes for her. I think I will also release balloons, light a candle, and donate to the preeclampsia foundation on her birthday.

I miss her. I just wish I can hold her or see her pretty little face ONE more time. I know she is watching over her little sister, I have NO doubt in my mind that if she continued to live on, she would look alot like Sadie. <3

**on a side note. Today, I have been told that we have $720 raised so far for our March of Dimes team in memmory of Naomi and Benji!!!! I couldn't be happier. We have our goal at $1000. When she first told me the goal, I thought oh boy, but its not even a month in and look at all the $ that was raised! I am so happy that so many have reached out and are helping, this is for a great cause that I never thought I would be apart of. We have a little less than 2 months to go, and I KNOW we can and will make our goal. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Our babies are greatly loved & so are the many babies are were born early. Bless all our sweet babies!

Someway or another, I'm going to find you...

and getcha, getcha, getcha! Those are the words playing in my head right now. I swear, I can't get things out of my head. I feel like, I have been through the worst possible thing anyone can go through, losing their child. Yet, I always hear that "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle.". Really? I am not so sure I believe it just yet.

Sadie is here with me, after 4 hospital stays, and 298383 times taking my bp, googling this and that, and fears way beyond my control. She is here. But, doesn't mean God won't take her away from me too. Shit happens. I am beyond TERRIFIED something will happen to her. I can name the countless of ways that are in my head, but I better not, I am not ready for more waterworks tonight.

Earlier today, I had Sadie in the playpen with her toys and the danglily things from above that she is now learning to reach for and play with and toss up those oh so cute feetsies to grab! (Yes! TODAY SHE FOUND HER FEET AND WAS PLAYING WITH THEM, TOO CUTE!) (And I just LOVE the way she marlves at her little hands. Earlier tonight before bed, my mom was holding her and she put her hands in front of her face and just gave an odd type stare at them, we both laughed. Too cute to see her expressions, I sure wish I could be that amazed with my hands! Oh the imagination and all the things for a baby to see and learn!). Back to my story! I had Sadie in her playpen while I was doing some things on the computer and in eyesight of her, she was in playpen didn't think anything could happen.

I was on the phone with a friend who we are doing the March of Dimes walk this year together, and so I was trying to help her figure out how to put a photo on her page of her baby boy. I happened to hear this like almost like coughing/gagging noise and I thought oh maybe she was just coughing but when I realize it I jumped up off the chair and ran over to her. There is this dragonfly (a soft plush one) hanging from the overhang, along with her toys that she plays with, and the long tail of it was almsot halfway down her throat! She somehow got it like that, I quickly pulled it out, and picked her up. I was panicking althought I looked at her she was breathing, not gasping for air or anything but her eyes are all almost red and teary eyed.

Oh I just hugged her and said you scared your mama. my mom asked me what happened because she heard me freaking out and I told her. She took it off and threw it in the trash. I was so freaked out about that. I always am checking on her whevere I have her and most of the time she is with me in my arms and I continue t oget things done around the house. I just panic. Can you blame me?

So, backtrack, 2-3 weeks after she was born, I had that scare and had to take her to the ER after her pediatrition suggested I do so just to check her out and be on the safe side. Thank the lord everything turned out to be okay, but gosh. Strike 1, Strike 2 (earlier today) do I have one more strike!?!?

I am scared out of my mind. Honest to God, if anything happens to her, I will go with her. I will not live through another loss. I will not and cannot do it. I can't "beg God" not to take her from me. Thats what I was doing in the back of the NICU at 4am June 1, 2009. That did nothing. SO yeah, I am still struggling alot with my belief, but thats a whole another story.

I just know of so much bad in this world, I think about it, probably too much, I just do not want ANYTHING to happen to my baby girl.

Church...

So, tonight, I saw a friend of mine was going to church tonight & didn't want to go alone. I replied to her and she said I should come! So luckily I had an hr, or so to get ready & have miss Sadie be ready and off we went!

I needed to get out of the house and I had been to this church twice before, recently, for Christmas Eve. It is a beautiful church and had a nice service for Christmas I really enjoyed.

I meet up with my friend, from highschool, and she sees baby Sadie. Asked if I was going to put her in the nursery. My first thought and thoughts going through my head was "NO WAY IN HE you know what!". I thought I can't leave her with strangers! But she said go check it out, its only sn hr and it will give me a bit of a break and to enjoy myself. Not that I wouldn't with Sadie, but I prob would have had to go in the baby room, because she does NOT like loud music. I wouldn't either if i were a baby! :D

So I decided to go check it out and I ended up giving her information and they asked how old she was and all marveled at her. I took a peek in the room and two sweet young woman were there with a few toddlers and a few babies. I handed her over and my heart was pounding. I gave her a hug & said "bye bye" and I left. I told my friend omg what did I do!? They asked if I wanted to go in and see but I said no because I knew she would be OKAY, but would mommy!?

The whole service my heart was like pounding, I felt anxious, and my stomach was bothered, I couldn't sit there without being all tensed. I kept wanting to look at my phone to see the time. They also gave me a number and put a number sticker on her. Said if they need me that number will light up on the screen. The WHOLE time I kept my eyes glued on it. I thought, for sure she will be too fussy for them or something may happen. A few times, I almost just got up and walked out and wanted to go and get her. But I told myself to sit still. She will be OKAY.

And sure enough, service ended, and on we went to get her. I was SO excited to see her little face, but worried to see how she did. They said she did well she was a little shaken when being passed to be but she was good and I gave her so many hugs and kisses and told her I missed her and I got a BIG baby Sadie smile that mama just lovesss. :)

Felt great that she was okay and I knew in good hands. Glad to have gone to service as well. Just I think, and worry, that was only 1 hr away from her in someone else's hands I didn't know. The only other times, which was twice, that I left her for a couple hours, was my mom! And I still get anxious but I know she has her and is in good hands! What will I do when I have to start school.either online or out and then start working? oh my. I will have to learn!

Daisies

"The flower symbolism associated with the daisy is purity, innocence, loyal love, beauty, patience and simplicity. Daisies are often depicted in meadows in Medieval paintings, also known as a "flowery mead." Daisies are believed to be more than 4,000 years old and hairpins decorated with daisies were found during the excavation of the Minoan Palace on the Island of Crete. Even further back, Egyptian ceramics were decorated with daisies. Daisies were used in Mary Gardens. The daisy is also symbolically connected to St. John."

When I was pregnant with Naomi, I took alot of walks, sometimes I look back on it and think maybe I shouldn't have walked so much. But being a member of this not so nice community, we all think of those things, what we should have done, or shouldn't have. I was taking a walk one day "over the hill" I call it, and I came across a bed of daisies in the field next to the sidewalk. I bent over, picked one up, and saved it. I placed it in Naomi's ultrasound mini book that I always carried with me in my purse. I placed it in there for her, even though it was going to die very quickly, I just picked it for her. And now, when I see daiseys, I think of her. I miss her alot.

Today, my friend and I have been texting slot about our babies. And I think that has got to me and I just feel emotional. I just got home from picking up my sister from school, and I got back and I hear country music playing (which I am not a fan of) but I then realized what song was playing and I hear the lyrics, "If I die young, bury me in a bed of roses..." and I just immediately had to walk to my room and let out some tears. I just am missing my sweet baby girl. Yet I look over at my sweet Sadie, laying there in her playpen ever so quietly, I am so blessed to have. I still like to think, if Naomi lived, she would look like Sadie.

Friends aren't supposed to make friends....

Friends aren't supposed to make friends cry. Are they? I, offically, have taken this one person, out of my life tonight, for good. It's sad, because I was just with her the other night with my best friend at Karokeeing too.

I can't do this anymore. She lives down the street from me, walking distance, within a mile. I am fed up with her ALWAYS being rude to me. For nothing. Last night, I texted her at 9pm, little past it, and she texted me not to text back. She was sleeping, which I did not know, she had to take up at 4 am for a new job. And she was very rude to me in those few texts.

Later during the day today, I get a text from her, saying "hey". My best friend was over, I showed her it, she knew what had happened the previous night, just how rude she was with me. She helped me respond to her in a NON RUDE way, because one, I am not like that, neither of my best friend and I are, and two, I was going to give her a chance, ANOTHER CHANCE.

Anyways, my best friend and I were curious to how she claims she has no money, yet when she is getting her nails done, buying coffee all the time, and cigs. Yet leaving the check with my best friend and I, many many times claiming "I HAVE NO MONEY". It just seemed odd to both of us, but I didnt want to pry. She then says she had money coming in to her from almost 10 years ago, for something we do not knwo about. That is fine, I will not ask, but it is a good lump some.

She then says, she doesn't ask where I get my money, me being a single mom. So that got me mad, I told her not to point that out on me about me being a single mom, and she should KNOW I get help from my parents. She should NOT say she is broke, she HAS money in her bank account. I frankly, have pretty much nada.

I never fight with friends, NEVER. I have always stayed clear of all that drama. I am not that type of girl. But this, this "friend", is difficult. She is quick to be rude, I don't know if she knows it or it is just apart of who she is, but I was broughjt up to aplogize if I was rude or said something mean.

So I get a late text from her and I said screw it I am replying back. She says this to me : "I have a life and responsiblity to go to work unlike you. Stop texting me after 9 o clockl plz this is two nights in a row. Don't text back".

Needless to say, I LET HER HAVE IT. How can one NOT reply to what just came out of her mouth. I was livid. I said something along the lines of "I am sorry but I DO have a responsibility, I have SADIE. And you don't have kids. I did what I am supposed to do, I AM going to go back to school, I signed up for it, I am in the process.Dont you DARE tell me I have no responsibllity" Well I could have gone on and on and blew up her phone, when she was trying to sleep, but I decided to leave it at that.

And now after it all, I just want to burst out crying. I honestly, cannot (even though I should) believe she would stoop that low and say that to me, I DONT HAVE A RESPONSIBLITY!?!?!? Who is Sadie? Yes, I am not working right now, I can't go back to work this minute, yes I have help (alot) from my parents, I am very lucky and AM GOING TO repay them back one day from it all, but I did my first step in signing up to go to school. My parents want me to head that way first so I can make better money when I do go get a job with some degree or certificate of some sort.

I KNOW we ALL have our own issues and things, but for her to point that out, truely got to me. I have had a thing with her before as well, where she said something VERY mean and hurtful reguarding Naomi, I should have been DONE with her than. But I forgave her, we both said hurtful things, but I FORGAVE. And something with Naomi, I WOULD NEVER have usually. But I did. This time, I am done. I am deleting her from facebook and contact in phone, hopefully she will get that job a bit from here and move. I am just so broken, I feel like bawling my eyes out because of what she said. She KNOWS how much I love my little girl and would do anything for her and am doing so. I came SO far in everything and she says this to me?

I figure I need to get this off my chest before I wake up my Sadie by crying. I can't deal with her rude remarks anymore. I can pray for her, but I can no longer be a friend to her. My mom had told me to stay away from her anyways, but I gave her a second chance. No more.

March of Dimes & The Doctor...

Purple. Walking. Awareness. Prematurity. March. April. Spring. Family. Friends. Babies. Support. Money. All these words comes to mind when I think of March of Dimes. It's getting to be that time again! I am signed up and registered, 2nd year in a row, to walk in memmory of Naomi and a friend I have spoken with through the preeclampsia foundation. She and I have spoken alot, have not "met" yet but we will be to help and prepare for for the walk. She lost her sweet son Benji Spider, born prematurely due to preeclampsia as well. She offered for us to be a team together and I JUMPED at the chance. Such a sweet woman, and I am glad we are going to be able to do this together. Our walk date is April 30th. Last year I walked, and I was a few months pregnant with her sweet sister Sadie, I did the 3 miles and did stay hydrayted. I wanted to do so. This year, her sister will be coming along as well as many of my friends and family to support us in this. I am excited.

It also falls around what would be Naomi's 2nd birthday. So I will always walk every year in memmory and honor of her & do something special, make cupcakes for her and donate toys or clothing in her name. I am trying to send out info, every where possible, to help raise awareness for prematurity.

Our team name is Spider's Hope. My friend Holly came up with it, both of our babies middle names together. I think it goes really well and keeps both of them in our team name too. http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?si=E9805160-953F-446D-846A-6150C3761725&u=NaomiSadie916. I included the link as well if you would like to donate. Every dollar amount is GREATLY appreciated. THANK YOU!


A day ago, I came across this picture, with this doctor on my friends facebook page. (I kindly messaged her asking if I can use it, and she said of course, for on my blog, so THANK YOU!, I explained how I always talk about Naomi and just need to get htings off my chest here in my blog, it helps). She had this wonderful doctor throughout her pregnancy.

Who is he you ask? Well he is one of the doctors in my old ob's practice, that I did not have. I have this female ob, which I strongly regret, but who was I to know things would go the way they did? She did not listen to me one bit. I KNEW MY BODY, I read things in the books, it just didn't seem right. Anyways, when I was admitted into the hospital that weekend, she was gone on vacation. And this amazing doctor, came in the morning of April 27, 2009, and explained who he was, Dr Jay Cohen (quite handsome might I add) and that he was another doctor on the team and was going to perform my emergency c section with Naomi.

When I saw this picture, I forgot she had it. And I froze. His face, him, brings back so many memories. He was such a caring and sweet doctor. I remember him talking to me throughout surgery and I couldn't figure out why, but it was just to make sure I was still there and alert and okay. The radio was playing, he was singing to the music, as "Home" by Chris Daughtry came on. We all know how I feel about that song, as Naomi was born into this world.

He kissed me on my forehead and said what a great job I did. He was all in all a great doctor, even tho I never before really seen him, I will FOREVER remember this man. I just see his face, and AUTOMATICALLY, remember the OR table and him, and everything. Naomi, I miss you and love you so much. There is not a day that I do not think about your or miss you. I see you in your little sister, she reminds me of you, she reminds me that you are not here, but she puts smiles on my face. When you're sister cries, I sometimes come out in the kitchen and there you are in a video or picture, and I swear, I feel as if you are coming to "check up" and say "its okay sissy". I will love you, forever and my baby youll be.