Dates...not that kind of date.

Looking right, the bottom right of my computer screen, I am viewing the time and date. What does it say? 11:10pm, 3/31/2011. It haunts me. It saddens me. I don't like it. For many reasons. tomorrow, will be April 1, 2011. I don't see it as "April Fool's Day".Nothing is ever funny on a day like that anymore. It's just not. I will never look at it the same. April and the 1st just do NOT go together for me anymore. Never will. NEVER.

Being that April is already here again, another year has passed, another year that I am away from my sweet Naomi Hope. The first of every month, marks an anniversary. Naomi died on the 1st of June. I used to look at the first as a new start, a new beginning of every month, now, I just frown upon it. I don't think it will ever change. So tomorrow (or today depending on when you read this), is marking 22 months that its been since Naomi has been gone from me. 22 months, or gosh, is it 23? I can't even think straight now, I guess you can do the math better than I can. Passed June 1, 2009. I just can't think. I am saddened.

The Easter things are out, its Spring, the beautiful pastel colors are out, it should be a happy time. But, its not. Yes, I have Sadie, I am so very blessed, do not get me wrong. But I am just saddened. I have watched the days dwindle down, and as we will flip the calendar over to APRIL, I just cringe. This month, marks the month, that she SHOULD be TWO. Not, WILL be, but SHOULD be. I should have a 2 year old now. But, I don't . I am left thinking of what she would look like now, what kind of hair style she would want her mama to put for her, would she be talking and yapping my ears off, what cute little Easter outfit would mommy be putting her in? All the possiblites, they are ENDLESS.

So as the clock strikes midnight, I will be left to counting 26 more days, until it will mark my sweet Naomi's 2nd birthday, in Heaven. SHE SHOULD BE HERE WITH ME. I am left to try and decided what cupcake or cake recipe I want to make for her, as my best friend Bonnie made them last yeat at our little celebration for her, they turned out BEAUTIFUL. Now that I am more confident in baking, I want to try and whip something up for her AND my dear friend Holly's sweet son Benji, who too, was born in April, last year, April 28th in fact, to severe preeclampsia as well. It saddens me. It really truely does. When will it end? Will it EVER come to a stop? So many babies dieing and being born too soon. Like a previous blogger and dear friend of mine had blogged, I HATE PREECLAMPSIA, LETTERS P & E will always be connected in my mind and I will look at them with disgust and pure hatred.

My dear friend Holly and I spoke today about our fundraiser and I asked how she was STUPID question, and well she said, not good. Me either I said. She has been just as sad as I have been knowing what is coming up. OUr sweet babies birthdays, and this, is his first birthday, her son's first birthday. I kept tearing up on the phone but didn't want her to cry or get more upset either. So after we hung up, I silently cried to myself in my room.

WE LOVE AND MISS YOU NAOMI HOPE & BENJI SPIDER. You both will never be forgotten. Please continue to watch over your mommy & daddy and families who all miss you and love you SO very much. I cannot believe its been almost 2 years since I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, forever, my sweetpea.

Lists, Lists, Lists

I don't know about you, but I surely know about me. I am a HUGE list writer. I always have so many thoughts all jumbled around in my head, things I want to get done/do, dates and events to remember, etc.

I always find myself grabbing a piece of paper and jotting all of it down, and yet I will always think I forgot something or want to rewrite it and I grab other papers later on to find out I have the same list with a few differences on it. Call me crazy.

Like, I had a little area I created on this desk out in the dining area, and Its my little corner. I have a couple things on it and one is my list. I keep saying I will get to it later or tonight or when Sadie naps, but I keep putting it down for LATER. It makes me feel SO relieved once I CROSS things off the list. Yet to always add another thing! Does that happen to you? Are any of you big list writers?

I came across Vanna White's blog. Yes, I watch Wheel of Fortune, call me an old lady ;). My grandmother got me into it YEARS ago, I stopped but lately I watch it all the time with Sadie before I get her ready for bed. We go for our nightly walk/run arond 6, get back around 7, and I run in and put the tv on. I am so darn good at that show. The other day, my best friend was over and she was just amazed at how fast I could pick up the puzzles, I told her I keep trying to become a contestant, and I pick the "best friends" week or "family" week. I told her, IF i get picked, SHE is coming with me. :) Anyways, So I found a blog of hers just now and she happens to be a list writer as well!

Gave me a good idea, she always has a list up on WORD document on her computer and will always add to it for things to get done. Yet she has her calendar or date book for apts and what not (which I NEED to get). I dont even carry a purse anymore, I just have my wallet and my keys and makeup bag, in the diaper bag itself. But, I would love to get a trendier diaper bag and maybe a smaller one or purse for mama too. Oh, thats on my "wish" list. Along with 358574954 other things! You would be surprised! That I shall leave for another post, maybe later for tonight? We all have "wish lists!"

Sign or Ca-winky-dink!?

I was just in my room with baby Sadie, pumping & trying to entertain her, before baby nap time. I had her in her crib and as I was standing doing my thing, I was looking at Naomi's memorial right in front of me. I grabbed a picture of her, of my friend holding her. (You could only see my friends shirt, but I knew it was her). I was just thinking, how could she have held her? I am honestly amazed, yet, I am so glad she did. My friend Kristin, went into premature labor, April 18 2009, and had her baby girl at 23 weeks, living only 2 minutes. We had stopped speaking for a few months, and through myspace back then, we reconnected because she was shocked to see that I had had Naomi already, when remembering she wasn't due until July. Well we met up and she wanted to see Naomi in the NICU. I felt very bad for her but yet didn't really "know that pain" of a loss of a baby, well, until it happened to me, 5 weeks later. She came to visit me and Naomi in the NICU a couple times and even held her, she she was sick. I could not have done what she did, but she is one strong mother. She always has been. I find it odd, and sad, how we both had our babies in April, she wasn't due until September that year. Sweet baby Kiera.

Well, as I was viewing the picture, I just felt gut wrenching pain all over again. I vaguely remembered that she was sick in that picture, I sent a quick text to my friend while viewing it and told her how thankful I was for her to come be there for me while in the NICU even days after her loss.

I was then done pumping and I had to go into the kitchen for something and I happened to look over at the computer. We have a screensaver that is a slideshow of ALL the pictures in the family computer. Just so happens, a picture of a baby chick and an Easter *yellow* Easter egg with Naomi's name on it popped up. My mouth dropped. I was like wow. I always think about Naomi, yet more than ever now, since we are coming up to what would be her 2nd birthday.

Then I come back into my room and start feeding Sadie. And as she is eating, she begins to fall asleep. She always holds out her one arm and her fingers move alot. I happened to notice two fingers were up. And then I saw her pinky go up as well. I said to myself quietly, "Oh my God". Naomi always made the "I love you sign" in the NICU in her little incubator. I don't know what these two things were, or if they were a sign from my sweetpea Naomi. But I will take it. I love and miss her more than words can say. I will never forget that day of how happy and proud I was to have been made a mother, back almost 2 years ago, April 27, 2009. Kisses from Sadie & your mommy sent straight up to you Naomi Hope.

**I just signed on to blog and I was surprised, to see I am at now 51 followers! I have offically reached the "50" mark! :) Last I had seen earlier today was, 48, so thank you all!**

VIP HEAT GAME!

I can now say, I have went to a Miami Heat basketball game! My best friend invited me to go out Friday night, with her mom and dad and brother and a friend of his to a VIP Heat Game. I thought, what the heck, if I can find a sitter and make it happen, I'll go. I never was before interested in basketball. Only sport I watch, is baseball! Well I am surely glad I gave it a chance! Because I LOVED it!

I started to ask around a few days in advanced of my friends that I would feel okay enough to watch Sadie for 3-4 hrs before my mom would come home from work and take over. Well, my friend Kristin, agreed she would do it for me. I was so happy yet NERVOUS. She has a 9 month old herself so he came along, but I just thought it would be alot on her with two little ones. I made a list for her just the basics and showed her what I do this and that. Just so happened that I was able to put her down for a nap when she got here and she napped for a good hr or so. I texted with her during the game asking how things were going and she even sent me pictures and told me she ate this she did that. So I was content! I was so very thankful for my friend to be able to watch her. Mama doesn't get out often at all, I choose not to anyways, and well, every once and then, is a treat and well deserved!

Turns out, the tickets we had were $600-700 worth! We even got to park in a special area and go in a special elevator. My best friends dad is an accountant so he knows people I guess, where he got the tickets from. We got a buffet and had a great seating along the edge and a good view of the game. We ate an even ordered a "Tropical Heat" drink that was inspired by the heat. I was suprirsed, I actually was getting into the game. And because I could see pretty good from where we sat, I think that helped as well! The player that kept getting alot of points was, the cute and all so famous, DWAYNE WADE, NUMBER 3. He sure is a cutie. ALl throughout the game, they would announce his name because he kept making points, correct term? I don't know, ha!

I found my self making noises and like grabbing at my face with my hands on my face saying omg, oh this oh that, yay and clapping if they got a basket! Ha, I didn't think i would be interested but I certainly was! We then got to go in the suite of ours and that was even a BETTER view. The game was looking early on that the other team, PHILDELPHIA 76ers were going to win, but the MIAMI HEAT ended up coming back and WON the game! It was funny, I noticed mr Wade like slap a guys hand out of the way, it was funnny, I laughed. I saw that my best friends brother and his friends saw that too and commented on it. I just had a great time! And as they said, after getting that VIP treatment, probabouly wouldn't want to go sit in the regular seats ever.

The dinner cost over $700, I was SHOCKED. The parents paid for us all, had I known, I wouldn't have went. I felt really bad, but they said they were more than happy to take us all out. Mama can now offically say she went to a Heat Game, first ever basketball game! Check that off the list! :)


So, wish me luck tomorrow is one of my "4 days" of being with my nephew well babysitting him. I will have him overnight into Monday, my sisters "mommy makeover" is in the morning. Shoot me, I heard the grand total of this lovely "makeover". She can wip out $7 GRAND for this, yet, pay me barely $5 an hour, for watching her son. Hmmm..this will come to an end soon. I am sorry. Just there are circumstances that I KNOW she can afford to pay me better. She just chooses not to. Upsets me. As you all are aware of.

OH! Well, this morning, she came over with her son and we all decided to go with our family too, tubing on the back of jet ski. Let me say I am GLAD I went. First time for that as well, and I had a blast! But rewind to this early morning. She was petting our dog and goes out loud " I wish I only had dogs". My mouth dropped. ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS? Did she just SAY THAT? Yes. No one commented on that statement. I should have let her have it. Here, she had a VERY well behaved 7 month old, went 40 freakin weeks, no problems what so ever during pregnancy. I CRAVE normalcy in that, yet I wont EVER get it. EVER. I was just appauled at that statement. I SWEAR< this is not an opinion, but SHE LOVES HER DOGS more than her own son. I know it , well all do. She has 3 dogs at home. Has always been a dog lover. No problem in that, but my god. Over her own child? She is always worried about leaving all of them at home and constatnly says "i gotta get to my dogs" barely ever hear her talkign about her own son. Its sickening and very sad. But he is very much loved around here, thats for sure. I "wish I had Naomi here with me". But I don't. Try living my life, sister.

SMH. :(

A picture is really worth a *thousand* words...

Back in 2009 when I was a nanny, I would do arts and crafts with the babies, (they were 11 months apart, very close) and they enjoyed it. Even tho, I wasn't the best at it, I would try my best. One day, I took out markers and glitter and what not with them and I started to doodle daddle. I was also pregnant with Naomi then. I did not know what her name was going to be at this point and time.

I dated the back of the picture, January 2009. (I had Naomi, April 2009). I ended up keeping it, just because I liked it, and made a great memory of when I was their nanny. Well, fast forward to yesterday. I have had it taped on my mirror that overlooks Sadie's changing table for some reason. I think I had it there even a long time ago as well. Never took it down. Well yesterday, I was changing Sadie getting her ready for when my friend came over to babysit, and I was looking at the picture, and I couldn't believe what I just had noticed. After all this time, I just noticed something. Weather you think about it, or that my imagination went there, its up to you :).

As you can see, I wrote a couple words on the paper, and one of them happened to be HOPE. Again, I did not know any kind of name for my daughter at this point. I didn't choose her name until mid feb/March. Well then as you can see, near the word HOPE is a rainbow. Put two and two together, I see that HOPE is Naomi's middle name and the rainbow, well, look how everything happened, and I now have my "rainbow". I just was shocked to have seen that and noticed that for the first time ever, yet the drawing was there forever.

Kind of took me by surprise and I just stood there for a minute looking at the picture, and thought, hmm, when drawing this picture, had I known that alll of this would happen to ME, MY LIFE, be MY STORY. Wow.

Thoughts for Thursday or Thursday's Thoughts...

Hmmm..where shall I start?

There are a few things I needed to blog about and I had jotted some markers down. I must hurry, but it feels good to get it off and on here. Weather or not anyone reads or comments, just something about writing, is good therapy! That is for sure!

I guess I will start with my first topic I jotted down. Ever heard of a "mommy makeover"? Well, a little bit of this and a little bit of that, and she is all set. I had been asked few weeks ago if I would watch my nephew for 2 weeks for x amount of money. I thought, hmm, why? Well my sister, is getting the "mommy makeover" aka plastic surgery. I call it that, because that is what the name of her surgery is, my mom told me that today. (picture smoke coming out of my head then). I agreed to it, because I need the money, its a good amount, yet I still think I should and VERY well could be paid more. Whatever. I figure this will be the last time and she will stick him in daycare. I watch him anyways 4 days a week from 8 to 5, (hours changed, she needs more hours AWAY from him) (last time I checked, parenting is 24/7). Well so starting Monday, the 28th, I will have him over for two weeks, due to her not being able to lift, he is 23 lbs. Her husband will take him his off days wed & thurs. He is off tuesday but my sister said if I can take him so "he can have his off day" ha. Wow. So, I will be most likely pulling out my hairs by the end of the day I am sure, but its worth it. I heard my mom on the phone today with her doctor asking some questions. I thought she is just getting a tummy tuck, WRONG. She is geting a breast lift and her arms done as well. I was FLOORED. I was fuming when I heard that. She has all this money to shell out for that, but cant pay me well? Hmm. I am done with it. I am done. When she was younger, she gained a LOT of weight, over 200+ lbs, and well has the band now, and well from the loss there is still skin there. She looks good to me, but I have never seen under neath. Well, do I wish I can nip and tuck in some places too. She always expresses how thankful she is to me for everything I do and says she can never do it, yet I am not shown it. She knows how deep in the whole money wise I am, why not try helping me more? I better yap my trap and be thankful I am getting some cash flow my way.

Earlier today, my mom and I and Sadie went to this school apt I had. I walked in and it looked somewhat familar. I thought why does this look familar. I forgot, I went there for llike 2 weeks for some highschool classes or something but left. Memories. Well, we got in and started talking to the counselor I was going to get my test results. Plans out, that my mom read the wrong schools website about there being a blended program starting AUGUST. This school we were at started in April. Well if I had done what I was supposed to way back in January, I would have been able to start in April. Oh well. I orginially took my test to see what areas I need help in at the schol that will be starting my program in August. Yet my mom thought she saw it at the school we were at on their site. So I will be starting school for medical assisting in August. Wait, did I just type that!?! WOW. I am anxious and excited all at the same time. I am SO very thankful. The online part will be Mondays and Fridays and then tues-thurs 8 am to 3:30 in the classroom. My mom said she will fix her nursing schedule from work so that she can be home those days to watch Sadie for me. I am truely BLESSED. It will be hard to leave her but yet I need to get going on my education so I can make that money and be able to support her and I on my own one day!

We left there and went to drop off Sadie's things that she had outgrown. Her babyswing (tear!) her glider thingy that she eventually slept in for most of the night that I was so happy about! and a big bin of some of her clothing! It is a place called "Respect Life". My mom had told me that is where she took Naomi's things after she died, when she knew I would not want or oculd not see any of it around the house when I were to come home from that horrible horrible day. As we were leaving, I thought of Naomi and just sighed. And I happened to look up watching as my mom backed up and out from behind the house/business comes an orange and red butterfly, flutters up for a minte and flutters away. My mouth dropped. Tell me that wasn't a sign? And I even come home from our errands and I see Naomi's video on the screeen playing on the computer. She is here, she is with me always.

I have had this on my mind for quite some time, I may have written about it, but I don't remember. I know, personally, 4 friends that are all pregnant pretty much around the same week. I went to highschool with all of them. Two of them are going on their second and two of them are going to be first time parents. Well, all goes well, they will. I keep seeing updated "belly shots" and exciteing comments and what not all over facebook. They are all about 12 weeks. One commented how "she is past the dreaded 12 weeks". I just want to scream. Yes, that is a great time to pass, but yet, I know ALL too well, the many problems that can go wrong. AND OF COURSE I DO NOT WANT OR WISH ANYTHING TO GO WRONG. That I must point out strongly. Not even on my worst eneny would I. I just think back to me, my first pregnancy, how naive I was. I remember going to the hospital tour at like 17/19 weeks and being so excited, they all thought how early I was to be there. I remmeber going past the NICU and I didnt even walk up there because I thought "I won't need that". Well....look what happened. Yes, all of them know my story. I am trying to hard to put out preeclampsia, and their website. I was never informed about it and how serious it was. I know that not only can preeclampsia happen, but alot of other things. They are all talking about babys showers and this and that, of course, it should be a happy time. I was robbed. I will never look at pregnancy the same, ever again, Yes my sweet baby girl is here with me, but I just cant. My body failed me, TWICE. Yet, I am so blessed to have Sadie home and safe and sound with me. I just hope and pray they all are able to bring home a baby. I am only trying to look out for them.

Plenty of whaaaa?

From up to about 1.5 weeks ago, I was *always* against dating websites. I just always thought who is going to go and meet someone off line and I always thought of bad things happening. I even know of a few friends, one in paticular, that didn't go very well at all.

A couple days ago, I was speaking to my mom about something, can't remember what, and I brought up dating websites and how another friend of mine is always on them, doesn't end up with the best of guys. I had said also how I will never meet anyone in the house, meaning I stay home alot with baby Sadie and rarely do I ever go out with my friends and stuff, maybe 2x a month if that. But yet, I know , I have to focus on me and my daughter first and working on me with school and getting better, I know all of that is a must before I become interested in dating.

Anyways, I signed up for the heck of it on a dating website, a free one. I just wanted to see what it was like. I had got a good couple messages and lots were not very appropriate especially having said in my profile that I am a mother or two. I will not answer to anyone that says "hey sexy" etc. I just won't. I am not one of those girls that likes that type of attraction or man sort to speak. Some would just write a one worded message "hi". I would delete and not respond to those. I don't go looking for men on there, I let them write me.

Well I hadn't had much luck really and I saw the site was pretty much full of scumbags and I thought forget this and I was just going to delete it. The other day, I had a few messages I skimmed through deleted all but one. I came to this one message it was short, and brief but I liked what he had to say. I took a look at his profile and I saw that he was my age and lived in the surrounding area and I got a few laughs at his profile as well. Not to mention, his looks weren't too bad either ;).

So I wrote him back, and well we ended up messaging about a good 6/7 lengthy messages. He even happened to ask about my daughters. I briefly explained and he did say he was sorry about Naomi which I thought was nice and even asked about Sadie as well. I found out he went to my same highschool but was a year a head of me. So I thought, we must know some mutual friends. He suggested a exchange phone numbers and so I did just that. We had texted for awhile and then the other night we both didn't receive messages. So we both thought we each said someting wrong. It was funny. I ended up calling him because I saw I got a message from him but he wasn't getting any of mine. I never call guys like that. But I took a chance and say hey I gotta let him know I am not getting anything and yada yada.

We spoke for a bit and we just seemed really easy to talk to. The next day (yesterday) we ended up texting ALL day. He texted me at 11am and we stopped texting about 10:45 at night. I had both babies yesterday too and he made my day go by pretty easily by texting with me all day. I did not plan on meeting him or anything so quick, but I had found out he lived within 15 minutes of me. I had told him I was going on my nightly walk/jog with Sadie. On the way back, he suggested maybe we meet up at the park. All throughout my walk I had a nausated stomach. I thought, no I can't meet this guy. Yet he seems so nice and just easy to talk to and even if nothing turns out, Id like him as a friend, friends first anyways! :)

So he had wanted to meet up at 7, even tho that was pushing it sorta for Sadie's bath time and what not, I said okay, and I did seee there were families in the park so I wasn't alone. I took Sadie back out in the stroller and walked off to the park and met up with him. I almsot didn't go, i was a nervous wreck for some reason. But it ended up going very well. He said hello to Sadie but she seemed sorta tired and just staring, she didn't cry tho so that was good! We walked the park about 3 times and chatted just to see how things went, a brief meeting. He is a firefighter/emt, a certified one, just is waiting to get picked up by a city or station.

So I did enjoy it. Just felt weird because it has been quite some time since I ever really spoke with a guy like that or just even a random type person. But knowing after we bcame friends on "facebook" I saw that we had 23 mutual friends, so I thought, I am okay to meet this person, in a public setting with people around. He had invited me out to a fair at a local church. I had wanted to go, but was very nervous. I told him I would let him know about going I had to wait on my mom to come home from work. I felt bad, I didn't want to have her come home and keep an eye o nSadie for a little even though she would be sleeping. My mom didn't end up coming home until 9:30. He had suggested a movie when she came home but I said I was just very tired but that I felt very bad, he said not to worry.

He invited me possibly out on a boating trip tomrorow (Sunday) with his friend and his girlfriend, who I happen to know from middle school, we just never kept as "friends" but are acquatiances I guess you can say! It just worries me that I don't know if I wanna be away from Sadie for a couple hours, and I feel bad asking my mom. Yet I am sure it would be a nice trip out on the ocean, I hadn't been on the ocean in a boat in like forever. Its some fishing trip. I never fished, yet it doesn't appeal to me, I feel like I would make an idiot of myself anyways. Ha. But we shall see if it happens. It was very nice of him to invite me and be interested in doing things.

I also thought about it last night, I won't be able to go out often even if he wants to, I just can't and wouldn't feel right leaving Sadie like that. I am a mommy, a full time mommy at that, and soon enough in August I will be startnig school. I just don't know how to do the dating thing with a baby. But who knows, maybe we can stay friends, friends I would like first anyways, get to know each other and what not and then see where it goes. If its meant to be, it will happen I guess? I am just scared, the whole dating thing I never really did, and I deserve to be treated well, unlike my first ever "real" relationship, which that really wasn't.

We shall see! :)

6 months and 12 hrs old...

My little girl Sadie Marie Marish is offically 6 months old. I honestly cannot believe it. Where has the time gone? I feel like I just wrote her 5 month old post yesterday. *cries* You think they are lying when they tell you, "In the blink of an eye" but no really, its TRUE.

Sadie is shining her personality each and every day. She amazes me. She is always doing something new and different each day. Lately, she has been grabbing for things and is very very wiggly. It surprised me because it like happened over night!

She is becoming more aware of herself, still looks at her hands and is starting to chew more on them especially today I noticed it. She is probably teething is my guess. She is still in 1-2 diapers. She drinks 2-3 oz, but tonight and last night she guzzled down 4-5 oz and that was HUGE, I had never seen that. I think I had heard that 6 months is a growth spurt, so that may be possibly what she is going through. I have to do some reading up on that!

So this morning, she had her 6 month checkup. I was sitting there in the waiting room where all the families and kiddies weight. I am holding Sadie and this guy comes out from the check out area with his son((who is my guess a month or two older than Sadie) and very strangley doesn't say anything before saying this these are the first words out of his mouth really loudly,"IS SHE YOUR FIRST!?". I was holding Sadie and I just said, "no.". He then seemed very odd talking to me and said, "there is a parenting class and" I couldnt catch the rest really word for word but he did say how they loved this class and they learned alot & how he wants everyone to know about it because they had so much fun.

Ha, really? Does he want me to believe that shit? I think not. I got the feeling he "assumed" I am some really young trashy girl who doesn't know what I am doing with a baby. WELL WELL WELL, if only he knew how good I am of taking care of her and that I have had YEARS of experience as a nanny, daycare and babysitting. Childcare is my life, kids are my life, and so are both my babies. And then there was this blonde 15 month old little boy around in front of me and he goes "is that yours?". I said, "um no". I wanted to scream at him "she is fucking dead". He just really rubbed me the wrong way, and I am sorry for cursing on here, I never do, just that he caught me off guard with all this talk.

Well, the rest of her appointment went well, Sadie at 6 months weighs 12.5 lbs (3% tile) and 25 inches (20% tile). I was concerned once I heard those and I asked the doctor she did say that they are comparing her to normal 6 month olds but that she was infact born at 35 weeks (almost). But did say she wanted her to come back next month for a weight check, instead of the 3 month gap until her 9 month checkup. She also said that Sadie can have 2-3 oz of water and can start with babyfoods and can also wear baby sunscreen! So I am excited about that because summer is around the corner and I just can't wait to get her to the waterpark and at our pool as well! Mama must keep working on her bathingsuit figure! :)

Sadie got her two shots and I swear she is a strong little ladi! She nurse even commented on her , she cried for like a very split second with the last one and it didnt really even phase her. Mama was glad, because I hate when she is in pain.

So later on in the afternoon, my friend Amy had been wanting me to come by so she can give Sadie her very late xmas gift. I said she so did not have to do that but she insisted. I had kept missing her and finally decided since I didnt have my nephew I will head over there, I figured I better not head off to the mall and spend money I do not have. I told her I wouldnt stay very long because Sadie didnt nap well before. I got there and I was amazed and I feel bad to say it but disgusted. She lives with I think two friends, its a house, prob 3 bedrooms but it was absolutely FILTHY. I could see dirt and stuff all on the floor and it was a pig mess. How could anyone live in that? I just girted through my teeth and forced a smile and thought omg get me the heck out of here.

I am a very clean person and especially Sadie as well. Everyone comments on how nice smelling she is all the time and clean she is. Well thats right, I take care of her well and I make sure she is cleansed and bathed. How could anyone let their kids be filthy all the time? I'm sorry, I can't. I am not a clean freak as I used to be, but I like things to be tidy and clean. :)

She ended up giving Sadie 3 outfits that were 6 months, yet because Sadie is still small, I know they would fit her for awhile, and she got her two toys, and a push walker thingy, that at 9 months it says you can start using. I was floored, I didn't expect all that from her. And her and I never spoke in highschool, I knew of her, but never was in that clique. She and I met through Naomi's loss again on myspace and she reached out to me which I thought was thoughtful. Yet, I stayed away from her because she smoked cigs the whole time she was pregnant with her last son and I was really sickened by that especialy she knew how Naomi is gone. I just didnt like seeing that so I stayed away.

But I was and am very thankful for her thoughtfulness of Sadie & I. She did come when I was in hospital before having Sadie and showered me with gifts, she knew my situation, again I thought was SO very kind of her.

Well she had her friend over that she says sometimes stay there for awhile, her daughter came out and I asked how old she is. She said almsot 2. I thought oh boy, here we go again. So I was watching her and thought, if Naomi lived or was born when she shouold have this is what she would be like, well in a nutshell. I then asked, whens her birthday? She said July 20th. I just went, ohh and forced a smile. Naomi's due date was July 19, 2009. :( but she was born due to emergency c section and severe preeclampsia on April 27, 2009.

Happy 6 months to my beautiful little Sadie!!! I know your sister is up watching over you and making sure you continue growing like the big girly you are and performing all the milestones one way or another. Love both of my girlies!

Glamour Shots!

Sorry that these are pictures of pictures but it will have to do for now until I can scan them or get them copied, I have 4 more others that are on CD and I will post once I get them on as well. I should have gotten a CD of ALL the prints for the price I paid for these things. Ugh, but I am happy I have finally got them in my presence. Cant wait to get a photo frame and to put these up! <3

The one with Naomi's picture, originally Sadie was going to be placed next to it with the flower petals and everything but she was at her wits end, for all of these pictures, poor little girly was not happy :(

Supermom? Yes/no maybe so?

As of right this very minute, I am in my grief. I miss Naomi SO very much. It hurts like hell all over again. I was just feeding my nephew in my mothers room and putting down for a nap, and I was staring at the picture my mom has on her desk of holding Naomi in the NICU. She also has a sonogram picture of her cut in a heart. Tears automatically started flowing, I cried silently while feedding my nephew. I started to remember things, I saw them flash in my head.

The days when noone would be home after Naomi passed, I would just run to my moms closet (it is big and open) and I would throw myself on the ground and just scream and cry and yell out my little girls name. I would look up at the ceiling in the closet and I would slap myself, hoping this was all just a horrible, horrible dream/nightmare. I was hoping I would wake up. I remember at night waking up and just screaming and crying and going into my moms room on her side and waking her up just to be held while screaming Naomi's name.

All of it came flooding back. Her birthday is right around the corner. Within a month and a half, I would have a two year old. That was born 12 weeks early, too early. I wonder what she would be doing at her age, but as a preeemie. Would she be talking somewhat? Would she be walking? Would she be far behind? I remember going into the hospital/nicu one more time to ask to see her again, but they had said the funeral home came and picked her up already. Oh my heart and stomach ACHE. When will I ever see my little angel again? I then ran to go and feed Sadie, and I cried somemore. I just hugged her tighly and looked into her eyes and said I miss your sister. I felt bad, because, I highly doubt that if Naomi were here, Sadie wouldnt be. I wish they can both me here.

~*~~*
I started watching my nephew on a new schedule starting today again, instead of the usual 9 to 3, she needs more hours. It is too much on her. She is 22, I do love my sister, but sometimes, I get very annoyed, lately I have. She is married, and has not one but THREE dogs, might as well as call them her children as well. She has ALWAYS been an animal lover, never a child person. She never took care of one or babysat, and here having this little boy, has really taken a toll on her. She does have an illness, which I feel so awful about, has had her trouble years and years ago with it, meds have helped but with just having him and the stress and hard work it is with him, its bringing it back out again. And my mom eplained to me she needs that break (used to be just two days) or she will go back downhill again.

So, she asked if I can watch him logner of a day, 8 am to 5 pm with a little more pay. I was upset over the pay, because she can welly afford it. But, I have come to be thankful, that she is able to help me out and I am able to help her out. The oney I am getting is better than I was before, which was 0 income. I just need to learn to start PUTTING it away. Money BURNS ME. I see that I have any amount and I will go and spend every cent of it. I do not know how to save. Its sad, and I wouldnt have been in this position if I had learned to save when I was a nanny. From my texas in 09, I made $24,000. And not a PENNY was saved. I could cry over that. But whats done is done. And i have to start fresh. Instead of math class in highschool, I wish they had a learn to save money and how to do your checking and write bills and what not. It makes a hell of a lot more sense, doesn't it?

Well, I guess today the stress of just knowing I would have a longer day, has got to me. They both took an hr nap from 9:30-10:30, although I had to lay with Sadie on mommy so she would nap. They both woke up and I thought, I am going to be supermom and try and take them out to the mall since I had to pick up Sadie's EXPENSENVIE NEVER AGANI Glamour Shots. I thought let me make two bottles, have them changed and put them both in the car. And off we went.

I got a lot of looks and comments on them. Some thought they were twins, I laughed, I said no, I could have tho, but the difference in size with them, is kinda funny. But I said one in my nephew and the other is mine. So we ran to pick up the pictures, I had seen before, but couldn't until I paid them off. Then since Starbucks was inside the mall (thank God) I thought, since I am having a longer day (until 5pm) I will need a jolt. So I got an iced white mocha. It was quite yummy!

I thought also lets take them over to the Rainforest Cafe and let them see the fishies in the huge fishtank and look around there. We did that and I took a walk around the mall. Then these new flipflops I had gotten from target that were #13 started to make a horrible scab on my foot. I was in so much pain I so did not want to take it off but I ended up taking it off and throwing it in the garbage. Yes, I was pushing the running stroller and walking with one foot barefoot and the other with the shoe on. I had to run to a shoe store and rememebred that there was one near where I ahd parked. So I was glancy quickly becasue both babies were getting antsy and I knew it was time for their nap. I thought hte prices were a bit high and I just wanted a plain flip flop that wouldnt cost me over $20. Since I was in a rush I didnt just wanna pick any old shoe. I finally found I pair, just plain black ones. I waited in line and my nephew started to fuss, couldn't find the rattle so then I strung out my keys.

Jingle jangle jingle while in line. These two spanish girls were yappin away with the cashier I was like come on already, (in my head). Then i was CLEARLY the next person in line and this girl BEHIND me goes right up to the register in front of me. I am standing there and was like ARE YOU SERIOUS? So then he starts ringing her up then looks at me and says werent you next? I said UM YEAH, I really gotta go and pointed, at my nephew. So he then rung me up instead. And the one spanish girls friend (the one that cutted me) was giving me glares. Um YOUR FRIEND WENT IN FRONT OF ME. Shoot. Made my nerves shot.

So its almost 3 pm and I am having a difficult day. I think all of this stress is taking its toll on me and I am just having an emotional day. Let ie be 5 o clock, soon please.

Martinis & Monogram Party & more!

These last few days, have been filled with fun I would say, & what mom doesn't need some fun in her life!? Thursday night I went to Gatsbys which is a local pool hall/bar about 15 minutes from where I live. My best friend invited me to go with her and her coworker. They don't go there though until 11pm because that is both when they get out of work (Starbucks!), which is my bedtime by the way. With miss Sadie, I am pretty much out (in bed) by then! But since I knew my mom was going to stay in my room and sleep while she slept, I took a nap before hand so I had somewhat energy. My best friend picked me up, we drove to her house and then her coworker came to get us. I have hung out with them a few times before, and it was a nice treat to get to go out. They were talking about their customers such, I feel so bad, I would have quit the first day if i ever worked there. My best friend always is texting me from work saying how she hates it and some customers just make her want to cry. People and their coffee make is SO hard and are so rude to her. Its unbelieable. People are so serious about their coffee.

Well I had 2-3 half priced martinis and because my best friend never had a "long island" I decided to order one, BAD MISTAKE. I should have known. I slurped that down pretty fast. I NEVER rarely drink, now that I have my little one, and I was never a "partier, club goes either" yet I am 23. Just was never my thing. But here and there, I like to have a few drinks. I got in about 230/3. The next day I was pretty not feeling well, but around 5/6pm I woke up from a nap with Sadie and I felt SO SO sick. Worse than before. My mom and sister went for a walk and I was with Sadie in her walker and I had a POUNDING headache and I felt just SO sick. I thought I was going to die. I immeditately ran to the bathroom and I started throwing up. This was a day after everything. Never had that happened. I had to call my mom to come home to be with Sadie, I just felt beyond awful. I threw up another time and finally my headache subsided a few hrs later. My mom put Sadie to bed and I was eventually able to go to bed as well later. It is now Saturday night and I still am feeling queasy, I have never felt like this for so long. Lesson learned.

Fast forward to today, I decided to go for a walk, not my usual walk/run because I just still felt plain awful, I almost turned around to go back home but I thought let me walk maybe sweating some bit will help. So I got ahold of my friend's mom Lauren, and told her I was on a walk and if I could swing by. I met this mom (a mom of a guy I knew in 9th grade) and we had got reconnected through facebook and well she knew I would take walks around 5 or so and she lives down the other end of where I live, about 25 minutes walking distance, but 2 mins driving distance I would say, I would always try and catch her but by the time she was home from work it was dark and I dont walk in the dark alone with Sadiekins :) But we met up finally and I hadnt seen her in 8 years, but I thought it was going to be weird but it wasn't. She is so nice, we talkled a bit, and she gave Sadie this little pink and purplre doggy. Just the perfect size for her! I had a nice little time with ehr and off I went on home!

Tonight, I was invited to a martini and monogram party, hosted by my friend Kalie. I almost didn't go but I am glad I did. I had no idea what it was really but I decided to go and find out. The woman that had organized it or that does it was so very sweet, and very pretty. Looked like someone that I could get along with! Immeditaely everyone was interested in Sadie and said how pretty she was. Made me smile. Then, the million $ question was asked, the common one, like what is my name? No, the question was "IS THIS YOUR FIRST?" I swear. I cannot go anywhere without it being asked. I simply said, no, and explained my firstborn was born at 28 weeks ..yada yada yada. Well she then aplogized and I had asked about her children (she said she had two). And one is a 5 yr old and the other is an almsot 2 yr old. I immediately thought, I would have an almost 2 yr old as well. I said when's her birthday? She said "April 09". I go oh yeah? I said the date? She said April 21st. I mmediately thought in my head, "6 days later, I had my sweet Naomi, 12 weeks too early". I told her Naomi was born then too. I tried so hard to keep myself from crying. Here I am holding her sister yet I still wanted to burst out crying.

Well, the rest of the night was very nice. They had little snacks and chocolate chip cookies, I nibbled on a cookie, and watched as they had their "martinis". I so did NOT want one for once. I wouldn't even have one tho even if I didn't feel good, because I had Sadie with me and I was driving. As I write this, I still feel quite nauseated, I don't know why this is going on for so long. :(

I then left around 830 because I wanted to keep Sadie's bedtime sorta, and she was fussing anyways. I was excited, I purchased (not so much on my budget but on my "wish list" was a diaper bag type thing. I choose a design that was pretty bright and full of colors. I have wanted a new one, because the one that I had, my mom bought for me, its nice, but its brown and green, sorta sick of it, not too girly, and I would like a new one! So I will be recieving that in 2-3 weeks! The woman asked if I found it interesting, and if I would maybe want to learn more about it, she was a teacher for 6 years, still has her teaching degree, but with what she does now, she makes her own schedule, she can still be with her kids, and it works. I don't know if I would be interested or not, but I hear alot of moms are doing it. It wouldn't hur to take a look!?

Monday, morning, I have a hair apt, I am going to be a "model" again for my friend who is at the hair school, Aveda. She asked me 2 weeks ago or so if I would like to be her model and I said sure of course! Heck, its free, and I love getting pampered, who doesn't!? I am SO excited. I am thinking of getting my blonde highlights back. She wants to give em long layers, but I have semi short hair already and I wanna grow it back out again. We shall see, I definitely like change! My mom agreed to watch Sadie for a couple hrs, when I go there and am a model, it takes some time. But this may be her graduate exam, I am not too sure, so hopefully it will not be too long and be timed!? I also heard she will do my makeup as well! Super excited!

By the way, can any of you share makeup or hair styling tips on what YOU do? I am new sorta to the learning of applying makeup and doing hair somewhat and I need HELP! :) I feel embarassed to ask, being 23, I should know. I don't put makeup on much unless I am going to something special. But I would like to just do basic makeup daily, so I do not look ovely sleep deprived and looking like a ghost! :)

ABC Game!

The ABC Game

A-Age: 23.5 (Yes, I just said that :)

B-Bed Size: Twin, I like the smallness of it, perfect, I am not a big bed type person, that may change later on in life.

C-Chore you hate: constantly picking up German Shep hair off the dang floor! And once my little girl starts to be crawling, this floor will be CONSTANTLY groomed for dog haira nd any baby chokers! Ah

D-Dogs: German Sheperd, its our family dog, my mom wants another little dog to have around, I say, NO! ;)

E-Essential start to your day: My Sadie girl who wakes up now on a daily basis between 7 and 7:30 am :)

F-Favorite Color: pink :)

G-Gold or Silver: silver.

H-Height: 5' 1" , short and petite :)

I-Instruments you play: none, wish I stuck with something in school, and wish I had time and patience to learn piano since my mom has one at home and always wanted one of us to play it, maybe one of her grandkiddies will pick that up! ;)

J-Job title: Stay at home mama and in August, a part time student! (AHHHH, nerves!)

K-Kids: two, my angel Naomi, almost would be 2, who continues to watch over mommy and her sissy up in Heaven, and my earth angel Sadie who is just about 6 months old.

L-Live: I live where you vacation :)

M-My mom's name: Denise (her brother and sister are also D's, and all of us (siblings, are all J's!)

N-Nickname: supermom, Jillian, jillybean

O-Overnight hospital stay: When I had both my daughters, and I also stayed overnight several times during the pregnancy of my Sadie, to make sure I could stay as long as possible safely pregnant with her!

P-Pet Peeve: No signals on when turning, my family shutting the bathroom door so loudly (when I know to turn it quietly when my little girl is sleeping or napping), I am sure there are more, cant think right now.

Q-Quote from a movie: "I cant believe you aren't so terrbily pissed." "Pissed miss?"-It Takes Two, all tiem favorite childhood movie! I must have watched it 3000 times. I know the whole movie.

R-Right/Lefty: I am a LEFTY!

S-Sibling: 3, I am the oldest out of us all. Johanna, 22, Janine, 15, Jack 13 (on St Patty's Day!)

T-Time you wake up: 7/730 is my alarm; Sadie !

U-Underwear: shorts kind, from charolutte russe!

V-Veggies you dislike: carrots! Otherwise, I like most veggies I think!

W-What makes you run late: Blame it on the baby! :)

X-Xrays you've had: dental xrays and xrays from when I had my daughters, I was quite sick.

Y-Yummy food you make: Asparagus and yummy desserts! Aka pumpkin roll and Key Lime Cupcakes I just made for my dad's birthday.

Z-Zoo animal: Elephants and sea otters!

Motherhood .....:)

I have always dreamed of having my own someday. Never, had I dreamed it would be like this, and in my current situation, but, I wouldn't change it for the world. I absolutely LOVE being a mother. I am a mother of two, one here on earth and another in Heaven. On April 27, 2009, I was made a mother, and noone or anyone can change that.

And, on September 16, 2010, I was the mother of two little girls. Still, til this day, I get comments like, now that I am a new mommy, and stuff like that, it kills me. I hate it. I just want to yell. I was a mother back in 2009, to my little Naomi. And forever will be. Why do people have to say or think otherwise? Ive read a few comments on facebook to my dear friends, and about becoming a new mommy, yet they have ALWAYS been mamas since the day their babies were born, who are now in Heaven. It irks me, I don't say anything, but I should. I stay quiet. I guess, they just do not know.

Motherhood, is VERY demanding, challenging, TIRING, rewarding, exciting, and full of so much more. I love every single minute of it. I remember the first few days after having Sadie, I was BEYOND EXHAUSTED. Pregnancy exhaustion does not compare (to me) to the first few days after having had Sadie. With pumping, visitors, nonstop texts and calls, and nurses, and meals, I RARELY got any sleep. My eyes looked so black under neath and I looked like I was in a fight. I hadn't been so tired in my life. I just wanted to catch a few minutes of sleep. Even my mom had said I can give Sadie to the nursery, I just felt like I would be a bad mother if I did that especially after all I went through and what I CRAVED. But I was able to do so for an hr or so and catch a little sleep. I remember one night, my mom came by after her shift was over and she was walking in with a friend of mine, at 11 pm. I literally cried, I said to my mom that I am SOOOOO tired. She then had to send her out, I just needed that sleep. Now, that I think about it, I would do it all over again. It is no walk in the park, but I truely love it. ButIt gets me mad because some of my "friends" from highschool, have one or are going on two, or have two and are adding more, and I still see that they are constantly going out, wanting to party, that do not want to leave that life behind. I am sorry, but it is not about you anymore, its about your children. YES, do not get me wrong, we as parents do need our time too, but not every single day and night and leaving them with sitters WHOEVER would take them. That in my view, is just not right parenting. I rarely get out, nor do I ask to go out. I am fine with staying home, or visiting my best friend at her place with Sadie, taking her out to dinner and what not, I enjoy it. I wanna be with my daughter. Ever since losing Naomi, I wanted it all. Yes I hold her alot, some say she may be spoiled, I don't care. Let me see you go through a loss like I have and not expect to want to love and kiss on your baby that you now have?

Things still FLASH through my mind where I will see myself going in her room to check on her and I find her dead. I don't know why, I hate it. Yet, because I am a parent of loss, and have read so many stories and then some, I see all what can go wrong even after the birth of a baby. It is my WORST nightmare. Or I picture, someone breaking in, and I scream yelling not to touch my baby, and I vision them doing the unthinkable. I cry alot at night because of it. I don't think it will ever stop. My mind is forever scarred. :( I wish it weren't.

I just am in awe, at how fast the little ones change, and grow. I already see alot of Sadie's personality and how fast she is growing. She is still on the little short side to me, but is getting heavy! She is my little weight lifter! Yet, she is all very porportioned and I just love watching her grow.The other day I was at the mall with my friend walking around and Sadie kept smiling at me, and my friend said that she can see the love in her eyes when she looks at me. That just melted my heart and made my day. I even remember my mom telling me on the phone this weekend when they were on their way to the keys, that her and my dad were talking about the beautiful care I take of Sadie. That made me smile. I have always had love for children and yet my own, I just am so lucky to be able to be a mother and experience it all.

NOT so Marvelous Monday, and then some

Its been some time since I had blogged, and let me tell you did I miss it. Our internet was down for a few days and finally got up and working last night, but I was too tired too blog about anything!

Fast forward to today, 3pm, and I JUST got miss monster down for her FIRST name of the day. Yes. I babysit my nephew from 9 am to 3 pm, and well today, they both were at it. I thought, what the heck is in the drinking water because it was odd for them both to be not having such a great day. But, just like us big people, we have our days as well!

I usually try and hold out one or the other a bit, to tie their naps together, so mama can have her own time, usually doing dishes or laundary or picking up after my family. Heck, a clean home is a happy home, right?

Well, I was able to get my nephew down, Sadie, just SCREAMED AND SCREAMED as if she were being tortured poor little thing. I let her a few minutes, but then went to rescue her and tried and tried for an hr. I was quite frustrated and had to cool off outside for a minute, because I was losing it. :( Eventually, my nephew woke up. So as he did, I through on my jogging clothes and shoes, changed Jimmy and made bottles, and went on a MUCH needed long hr of a walk/jog. They liked the fresh air, I had my tunes blaring and it helped relieve some stress. Of course, Sadie fell asleep HALFWAY into the walk and woke up when we got home. But thats okay, I took it.

Lets see, other tidbit randomness of my life: My best friend had got me $100 gift certificate to Glamour Shots in the middle of our local mall for Christmas. She knew I had been so upset that I did not get newborn pics, and didn't really have the money to get pics done. I was so happy yet I put it off and off. There was probably a reason for that! If only I knew. I finally made the appointment for 12, on Saturday. They told me to bring 3-4 different outfits. I was excited! They then had called to change the apt time from 12 to 1. I was a bit bummed because she had napped perfectly from 10:30 to 11:30 that morning and I thought she would do well at 12.

Well, we got there, and let me tell you, she was NOT having it. The photographer was a girl, and usually she does fine with woman, (its men she gets scared from). But this woman just did something to her (view wise) and she didn't like it. She SCREAMED and screamed. I laid her down she was not happy. We got a few shots of her in between crying. WE took severeal breaks. Then, finally they thought, lets get mama in the picture. And before, I had said no, because I only wanted her, and I didnt have extra money for my hair and makeup. Well they slid me in for free :). I admit it was so nice to get my makeup done and hair and I felt pamepred. I never had airbrush make up before, so that was a first!

So, I was able to hold her a bit and she still wasn't too happy but we got a few nice ones. They asked me to bring in anything that was her favorite, but since she is only 5.5 months old, she doesn't have anything just yet, but I did bring in a picture of Naomi. They all at first, thought it was her as a baby. I said no & explained briefly. Then towards the end of Sadie's fiasco (yet never got to change outfits :() the photop, set up a BEAUTIFUl display, she had Naomi's picture with pink rose petals around it and a pink butterfly standing on the picture. Let me tell you, I started to cry. And of course, Sadie was not having it either. She kept screaming. Poor little thing!

Well, at the end when it was time to pick and choose pictures, I got it down to about 15 I liked. The price you ask? OVER 2 grand. Yup. So not happening. I was shocked. So she asked if that was in my budget. No, not even CLOSE. So we tried to narrow down more, she got it to about half, of that. Still not good enough. Finally, she got it to $500 something. I took it. I still do not have that money on me. But, it was allowed 4 printable pictures and 4 other ones. I REALLY hope that included the collage on DVD. It made me cry. The pictures were beautiful and the song they choose was "in my daugherters eyes" and just the ones with Sadie & Naomi's picture, I started to cry. They handed me tissues.

So, I was able to pay $180, but they did want half. I explained, I did not have that in my account, I even SHOWED her. But I told her I do babysit, so if I could bring some more of the money in this week, and she gladly said sure. They had no other choice,I just did NOT have that on me. I am quite upset, for spending that much money, I had a friend that emailed me on FB that said she does pictures and would do them for $80 and I would get all of them. Should have went that way. Oh well.

But I must say, I am quite excited to have them and will be showing them off as soon as I get them!

The 1st of the month, no bueno.

When women see a positive on a pregnancy test, their world is filled with colors, blue and pink, names, nursery ideas, baby shower ideas, baby clothes, furniture, money, all sorts of fun exciting things. We never expect things to go "unplanned". We just automatically think, a postivie pregnacy test equals a bring home baby in the end of 9 months dont we?

I was the naive one. I look at new moms to be, and I wish nothing but a LONG and BORING pregnancy for them. Noone is guaranteed in life, anything. Being a member of the BLM community (Baby Loss Mama), I have came across many, many heartwrenching stories of what can go wrong through a pregnancy. There is not just miscarriage, which I admit, thought was the only thing that can go wrong. I remember thinking, okay, I got past the dreaded 12 weeks, I am safe now. Boy, If I only knew what was ahead of me. I am the FACE OF LOSS. Why me? I will NEVER understand. I know of some mommies who got up to the very end of pregnancy, and it all went wrong. I will not list the things, but one of them that I happened to get was severe preeclampsia. That is just one of the many. NEVER in my wildest dreams, did I think my daughter would die.

The research I have done and stories I have read, scares me. I forever will look at a pregnancy as a scary thing. Yes, I do have my sweet rainbow baby here with me, but it took 4 hospital stays, and me worrying up a storm with every little thing and not takign any chance if something felt off. I researched, I spoke to many mommies, I called the doctors.

Everyone always is happy with the start of a new month. I, am not. I forever look at the calendar and just sigh to myself. Today, 21 months ago, my life was shattered forever. My sweet baby girl Naomi, passed away at 5:20 in the morning.

I will never forget that call. I remember May 31st, 2009, going up to the NICU and ringing that famous doorbell so they can see my face on the camera and let me in. For some reason, it took awhile. But God I wish I had stayed and waited until they opened the door. I decided to go up to the 3rd floor (NICU was 2nd floor) and I would see her in the morning. I fell asleep around 1 am, and I awoke to PLANTATION GENERAL calling. 3:46am. I will never forget the time of the call. I don't remember much of what they said but I do remember them asking me where I was and they remembered seeing me not too long ago. They told me to get up there. I immeditately grabbed my bags and ran to the elevator. I kept pacing back and forth.

I was banging on the NICU door for them to let me in. There were nurses and doctors all around my little girls isolette. They said, she was not going to make it. They had me call someone to come to be with me. I called my mother at 4 am. She was there in the matter of minutes. We sat in the back sitting on chairs, letting them do their thing, while a nurse tried to give me tissues and talk to me. I was shocked, I was numb. I remember texting with a friend of mine that I had met at the hospital, I kept saying OMG NAOMI IS NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.

I remember them bringing xray machines in and out like a movie, I remember them doing an emergency surgery to try and see if that would help. I remember the doctor calling the top line posion control to see what else medicien they can give her to fight off this infection that was taking over her little, fragile body. I thought, something, something just had to work.

My mom grabbed my hands and started praying the "Our Father" out loud. We then weer called up to her little area. They said I can touch her. I remember thinking how come I don't need to wash my hands? Before seeing her or touching her everytime, we had to wash our hands. This time, we didnt. They had us stand back a little, I remember the faces of the respitory therapists, bagging my sweet little girl. I remember watching the screen, the green numbers, they were in the 30's and plumeting. I remember just staring off into space. I then heard them counting. 5:17, 5:18, 5:19 5:20. I said to my mom why are they counting the minutes?

Thats when I SAW their faces all look expressionless and sad. Thats when the doctor came walking towards me. I knew. I knew what she was going to tell me. My sweet little girl Naomi Hope Marish, who made me a mommy on April 27, 2009, all 1 lb 12 oz of her, could not fight this infection any longer and passed away. My head started to spin and then I just collapsed into my mothers arms. I cried, I screamed but then, I rememberd there were stil little babies around, I tried to be quiet, I didn't want to frigten them. But the nruse said its okay, go ahead.

My dearest Naomi, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I always think or see someting and your name or picture pops up in my head. You changed my life for the better and you made me see the greatest gift of all: a mother's love. I walked that hospital so proud, even tho I knew you were sick at times, I just was so proud to be a mommy, to be YOUR mommy. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I would get through taking care of you. There was NOT a day that I missed. I was there from sun up to sun down. You were my little girl and I was going to do everything I could for you. I love you so very much and I miss you like words cannot explain. You will forever be a piece of my heart little angel. Momma loves you. Please keep watching over and show me you are here with me.

Love,

Your mommmy