The 1st of the month, no bueno.

When women see a positive on a pregnancy test, their world is filled with colors, blue and pink, names, nursery ideas, baby shower ideas, baby clothes, furniture, money, all sorts of fun exciting things. We never expect things to go "unplanned". We just automatically think, a postivie pregnacy test equals a bring home baby in the end of 9 months dont we?

I was the naive one. I look at new moms to be, and I wish nothing but a LONG and BORING pregnancy for them. Noone is guaranteed in life, anything. Being a member of the BLM community (Baby Loss Mama), I have came across many, many heartwrenching stories of what can go wrong through a pregnancy. There is not just miscarriage, which I admit, thought was the only thing that can go wrong. I remember thinking, okay, I got past the dreaded 12 weeks, I am safe now. Boy, If I only knew what was ahead of me. I am the FACE OF LOSS. Why me? I will NEVER understand. I know of some mommies who got up to the very end of pregnancy, and it all went wrong. I will not list the things, but one of them that I happened to get was severe preeclampsia. That is just one of the many. NEVER in my wildest dreams, did I think my daughter would die.

The research I have done and stories I have read, scares me. I forever will look at a pregnancy as a scary thing. Yes, I do have my sweet rainbow baby here with me, but it took 4 hospital stays, and me worrying up a storm with every little thing and not takign any chance if something felt off. I researched, I spoke to many mommies, I called the doctors.

Everyone always is happy with the start of a new month. I, am not. I forever look at the calendar and just sigh to myself. Today, 21 months ago, my life was shattered forever. My sweet baby girl Naomi, passed away at 5:20 in the morning.

I will never forget that call. I remember May 31st, 2009, going up to the NICU and ringing that famous doorbell so they can see my face on the camera and let me in. For some reason, it took awhile. But God I wish I had stayed and waited until they opened the door. I decided to go up to the 3rd floor (NICU was 2nd floor) and I would see her in the morning. I fell asleep around 1 am, and I awoke to PLANTATION GENERAL calling. 3:46am. I will never forget the time of the call. I don't remember much of what they said but I do remember them asking me where I was and they remembered seeing me not too long ago. They told me to get up there. I immeditately grabbed my bags and ran to the elevator. I kept pacing back and forth.

I was banging on the NICU door for them to let me in. There were nurses and doctors all around my little girls isolette. They said, she was not going to make it. They had me call someone to come to be with me. I called my mother at 4 am. She was there in the matter of minutes. We sat in the back sitting on chairs, letting them do their thing, while a nurse tried to give me tissues and talk to me. I was shocked, I was numb. I remember texting with a friend of mine that I had met at the hospital, I kept saying OMG NAOMI IS NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.

I remember them bringing xray machines in and out like a movie, I remember them doing an emergency surgery to try and see if that would help. I remember the doctor calling the top line posion control to see what else medicien they can give her to fight off this infection that was taking over her little, fragile body. I thought, something, something just had to work.

My mom grabbed my hands and started praying the "Our Father" out loud. We then weer called up to her little area. They said I can touch her. I remember thinking how come I don't need to wash my hands? Before seeing her or touching her everytime, we had to wash our hands. This time, we didnt. They had us stand back a little, I remember the faces of the respitory therapists, bagging my sweet little girl. I remember watching the screen, the green numbers, they were in the 30's and plumeting. I remember just staring off into space. I then heard them counting. 5:17, 5:18, 5:19 5:20. I said to my mom why are they counting the minutes?

Thats when I SAW their faces all look expressionless and sad. Thats when the doctor came walking towards me. I knew. I knew what she was going to tell me. My sweet little girl Naomi Hope Marish, who made me a mommy on April 27, 2009, all 1 lb 12 oz of her, could not fight this infection any longer and passed away. My head started to spin and then I just collapsed into my mothers arms. I cried, I screamed but then, I rememberd there were stil little babies around, I tried to be quiet, I didn't want to frigten them. But the nruse said its okay, go ahead.

My dearest Naomi, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I always think or see someting and your name or picture pops up in my head. You changed my life for the better and you made me see the greatest gift of all: a mother's love. I walked that hospital so proud, even tho I knew you were sick at times, I just was so proud to be a mommy, to be YOUR mommy. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I would get through taking care of you. There was NOT a day that I missed. I was there from sun up to sun down. You were my little girl and I was going to do everything I could for you. I love you so very much and I miss you like words cannot explain. You will forever be a piece of my heart little angel. Momma loves you. Please keep watching over and show me you are here with me.

Love,

Your mommmy

I would have an almost 2 year old.

I come after the number 1 and come before the number 3. I am the number 2.

I was at the bank this afternoon putting in a check so I can go purchase my white noise machine for baby Sadie. We were waiting outside to go into the little room and there was this maybe 20 some guy out there as well as another woman. He happened to ask how old Sadie was. I said shes 5 months. He said, "Have a two year old, its fun". I was about to say back "and a lot of work too." But I didn't.

I then kept repeating over and over in my head, I should have an almost 2 year old. My Naomi will be two in two months exactly (the 27th is about 30 minutes away). I kept looking in the clouds, as if something would appear. Nothing.

I went on with my day and I came home and was undressing Sadie for a bath. I then looked over at Naomi's memorial that is across from her changing table. (Sadie can turn her head to where she can see it). I then told her like I always do, that is your big sister Naomi. She is watching over you, and I can't wait to tell you all about her. I said this all to Sadie this time, with tears just pouring from my eyes. I kept looking at her pictures and just was so heartbroken all over again.

I then took Sadie with me to throw away a diaper in the kitchen. Then I see Naomi's vidoes and pictures playing on the computer. (OUr slideshow is of ALL of the computer pictures and videos, very random all the time). And here it happened to be hers after I was just thinking about her and kissed my necklace. That made me cry even harder, I felt back in my strong grief all over again. My dog was even looking at me and was ready to jump on me. (He used to jump on me and lick my face all the time when iwas home alone just bawling and screaming my eyes out for Naomi days, weeks and months after her passing.)

I hugged Sadie and put her into the bath tub and tried to continue on and not be hyssterical while giving her a bath.

I simply miss Naomi. I would have an almost 2 year old.

LOL Smiley Face....eh not so much

I don't know what came over me but I am sad. I feel down. Yet, I should be the happiest girl in the world. I have my sweet Sadie here with me. Don't get me wrong I am SO very thankful and happy she is here with me.

I wanna take a guess at where it all came from all of a sudden. I guess I feel like I should be doing more. Every day seems like the same old day and routine pretty much. I just feel blah. I feel like I should be doing more, A LOT more. Every day, I get up with Sadie, go for our walks, watch tv sometimes, visit a friend or two, go to the mall and explore and what not. I'll do laundary and dishes, help around the house, do some cleaning. Something is just missing.

I need a plan, I need to plan for our future. Me not knowing what to do or where to go, is getting me down, big time. I need to fix this.

My mom got off the phone with my sister before I was leaving to go out to finish an art piece that I didn't get to finish 2 weeks ago so she said she would take baby Sadie for an hr or two so I can finish it. Looks like, my sister will be needing my help. Supermom will be back in action. I used to watch my nephew once a week for the day. But now, it looks like it will be 5 times a week, Monday through Friday, from 9 to 3. She needs help. She isn't on her own, she is married, is not living at home, and is 22. She also has THREE crazy dogs. She has never been one for chldren, but started a family of her own and needs the extra help. It is a bit too much for her, and I understand. She always is telling me she doesnt know how I do it all by myself. Makes me proud, but I have had so much experience since the age of like 12, and it just comes natural to me. I was a nanny for 2, 11 months apart, baby and toddler. I know it all pretty much.

So I can do it. It will help her out and help me out as well. But, what got to me is, the pay. My mom told me she is offering $125 a WEEK for this. Um, slavery much? And she HAS the money. She has it. I don't. So I guess that kind of got me mad and upset, when she should know how much I am struggling with money. I asked my mom, well wait, what about school. (My mom and I spoke a little bit on our walk this morning about school, she suggested doing hair maybe, or she looked up medical assisting, that was some online some in school, she said that she could work her work schedule around and watch Sadie for me when I went in). My mom said well, when school comes around, she will have to find some other arrangement for Jimmy.

I shouldn't complain about the amount, especially because he is a pretty easy baby, but I need money. I have always been a helper, and its made me happy to help others. So I should be and am greatful. Especially because I am wanting to get Sadie's professional pictures done , and I will have some money to put down for the appointment . I just have been doing alot of thinking about the past and wish I hadn't spent all of my hard earned money when I was a nanny. IF I HADNT, I WOULDNT BE IN THIS POSITION. I would be on my own in my own place, possibly have my own car. But I cannot go back. But I do alot, I just wasted all of that money down the drain. Now I have got to work my way back up. I just think of it all at once. I a 23 , still do not have my own car, I want to SO badly be able to pay my own bills (when I have them), pay for insurance, pay for gas, pay for my little girls things and toys and clothing, I want to do it all. I AM SUPERMOM FOR GOODNESS SAKES. I CAN DO THIS.

Well I even just got a phone call while typing this from my mom, she has Sadie and my sister, they will be on their way back from walmart. I will be watching my nephew tomorrow from 9 to 3. My sister NEEDS THAT BREAK. Me? I don't. I got it. I love being with Sadie. My break is pretty much at night when she goes down. I just have to realize I am doing a huge favor for my sister and helpin gher. I just wish she would contact me more to say how am I doing, then just to ask if I can babysit? I think I am more than that.

Sorry about the rambling but I am just hurting now. My 15 yr old sister was holding Sadie today and said how its sad she doesnt have a father. I think that is on my mind too. That is a whole nother post, I may not even post on that because of certain things, but it is hard. Looking at her, I think about that alot. But, he isnt in her life for a VERY GOOD YET SAD AND SICK REASON. I am keeping my daughter safe. I owe her that.

I think alot, how will I ever meet a good guy and possibly father figure for her if I am stuck living at home and barely go out really to meet anyone? But first thought comes to mind, is I have to get ME BACK ON TRACK FIRST. I have to get going in school, I have to worry about my Sadie and I first. The time will come hopefully, when I will be able to meet a guy. I just wish I was given the right path to take, what to go to school for, how to do this and that. Life is hard. I have to figure it out, I feel all on my own. But I have my wonderful family and few close friends and few friends from afar that I know are there 100% and backing me up. I appreciate it so much.

I can and will get there some day. I look at all my friends that are married, have or are renting houses, have babies on the way or already do, NOONE has it perfect. NOONE does. Even tho some may seem like they do, they dont. I have to remember that. I just seem like I want to have it all, because I havent for so long. But, in all honesty, I do. I have Sadie. I just want to be something, I want to be someone, I want to make MORE of myself than ever before. It will NOT be easy. I won't be on facebook chatting and checking up on people like I do now. I will be busy, very busy, I want that. I want to work on building my life, my future for Sadie & I.

I will sit down this weekend and really read on career ideas. I am thinking about what my mother suggested. She thinks I would like medical assisting. That way, I could get my foot somewhat in the door in the medical field. I could work with the kids she suggested or in pediatrics since I LOVE kids. Then, I figure, maybe by the time Sadie is in school, I can then think about returning back to school to go for nursing. I would love to be able to do it, but I just do not know if I have the brains for it all. I guess I dont know until I try? I also thought of the hair school, I dont know much about doing hair, but it would be SO neat to learn it. Who knows. I am praying that someone, maybe Naomi, can send me a sign, of the career path I should choose.

This blog is all ramble jamble, but my mind is always on school/work now and bettering my life for Sadie (money and school wise). Its been time way long ago. I aplogize for the unorganized mess this is. Just needed to write, because I did some crying tonight. Writing surely does help!

ABC & POSITIVITY

I am ready, finally ready to do something about school. For so long, I had been nervous about it and still not wanting to really go back, until about a few short weeks ago. The more I think about it, I am anxious to get things started. BUT, I have a few obstacles I need to figure out that have been on my mind.

A week or two ago, I did go take the TAPE test at a local technical school and I still am needing to go and get my results for them. I need to give the school a call tomorrow morning and get on it. I cannot let that pass without me doing so. I will then go in and talke with a guidance couselor. I am hoping they may be of some help, but yet I just worry and think they will not care and I will be on my own in this.

A few days ago, when I was watching my nephew, my sister called me to see how things were going (um, I am supermom, no need to worry! :) and I said good. We are usually quick to hang up because I just don't ever have much to say to her on the phone, but she ended up asking me about school. (I assume she saw it from on facebook). I said to her briefly I went in and did what I had to do I am just waiting now to get results. She apparently was speaking to our mom and said that both of them think I will not be able to do school or work until Sadie is in school. WHAT!?!?!? I then got off the phone with her and just CRIED. I thought how am I ever going to get out of my parents house? How will I ever meet a guy? How will I ever go on to support my little girl!? My mind was swirling with all these thoughts and questions.

I thought, great. So my dad is pushing me to go and start the things for school, yet my mom and sister think otherwise I cant do it. Thats REAL nice. I know I do not have the money for daycare or to have someone watch Sadie. I KNOW THAT. I do not know what my dad was thinking otherwise. He did tell me to get the ball on the road with school and stuff. So now what am I supposed to do? Today I briefly spoke to my mom about it in the kitchen. I told her, for now, my only option maybe is online schooling? But she told me that is very expensive. NOW WHAT!?

What am I supposed to do? I have like no money for school. Yes there are loans and all that, but seriously, I know NOTHING about how all that works. I don;t even know exactly what I wanna do for school yet either. I had forever wanted to be a teacher, my heart belongs with the kids and that is the only thing I am good at, or so I think. But being in the hospital all these times with Sadie & Naomi, I was watching the OB nurses, and even ultrasound techs and I am very interested in doing something like that. There is always a demand for nurses, right!? But I do not know if I could really do all of that work? I never thought of myself as smart. But yet, I never really put my all into it.

My mom just went back to school and graduated when I was pregnant with Naomi and became a RN. I am so proud of her and she works at the hospital where I delivered Sadie. She has all the books in her room, I have seen them, never cracked them open, I think I would be frigthened. But, I really want to do something for once, I want to be proud of myself, I want to make Sadie proud,I want to make Naomi proud. I want to be able to say I DID IT! So many friends of mine are going back to school and I want to be one of them, so many of them have kids as well, if they can, why can't I?

I have two beautiful girls, I have to do this for.

I just am at a loss of where to go or what to do. I would love to help mommies like I, and be an OB nurse, or I had even seen the ultrasound techs (lord knows I had a LOT of those every few days!) I found it all very interesting. Seeing students come in and be with them, it def caught my eyes. I said to myself once my grandma leaves (she left tonight back to Philly) I will sit down with my parents and discuss things or ideas.

I am scared but yet its a reality and I HAVE to do it. I WANT to do it for once. I am 23, almost 24, in August. Time will NOT stop for me. I know my friends and family will all be there to help me along and support me. They have up and til now, why would they stop now? I want to start planning out my future, our future, Sadie's and mommies future. I see great things ahead!

Smiley Sadie

I honestly cannot believe how happy my little girl is. She is just always smiling and quite a happy little baby. I remember back when, she was quite colicky and I felt so bad there wasn't much I could do. She was a tough little one but I handled it all. Now, she just is such a joy seeing her face light up and the baby noises she makes! It melts my heart.

I think she started smiling around 3-4 months just on going. I remember being so excited to have "caught" a smile on my phone or camera. Now, its so easy, she does it all the time. Everyone comments how beautiful she is. I am so truely blessed for her. It makes me so happy and thankful. I know Naomi would be just as beautiful as she. I love both my girls with all my heart.

I look forward to seeing more milestones of hers, getting teethers, laughing more, crawling and all that good stuff! She is just a joy to have around. I honestly, could not imagine my life without her.

As if ONCE wasn't enough!?

A is for apple, B is for banana, C is for chocolate? No, youre fat, you can't be eating that.

"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels".

Yes, when I was 14 years old, until about 19/20, I have dealt with eating disorders. All of them, well the 3 main ones. Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge eating. I thought I was "fat" at 124 lbs and I decided to restrict my caloric intake to about a meer 500 calories a day. I would know and research what I was eating. I belonged to "pro ana" websites and livejournals at the time.I would write down what I ate every day and count the calories. I met girls online who would help me with my sick obsession. It all worked for a while, I lost weight and was feeling pretty happy, yet I really wasn't. I jumped with glee when my family started to notice i was losing weight. I would go all day without eating much, come home from school and drink a few glasses of Diet Green Tea. That was my stuff then. The lowest I ever got was 106 at my small frame of 5'1.

Eventually, I caved in. I began to eat. A little too much because I was just starving. I starved myself for too long I needed to eat. I would get mad at myself and punish myself. Noone suggested it, but I did it. I purged. I did that for a while, but then I started to stop because I got scared. I thought and have read that you can die and choke. I then was stuck. I binged and binged and binged, I ate up all my feelings. My heightest weight ever, was 155 lbs at 5'1. Talk about YUCK. But, I was sick. I would eat a box of chocolate icecream bars (they were my dads) and I had to go to the store to replace them. I ate 5-6 peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. I ate bread, and icecream, they were my go tos.I started taking out my hurt and anger because I could nOT stop myself from binging EVERY single day. I would do good for part of the day then I would ruin it all and just binge and binge. I would cry because I would not stop. It got to the point where my mom had to put LOCKS on the fridge and cupboards so I could not get into the food anymore. I was sick.

I would cry to my mom as well. She would tell me its okay, tomorrow is another day. I looked at it as, tomorrow is another day I am going to binge. I did this bingeing stuff for over a year. I went from 106 lbs, to 155 lbs. I got distructive at home, I was so upset with myself. I took it out on my family dog. I yelled, I screamed. I was a mess. ALl because of this food, I kept eatng and eating. My dad wanted to kick me out at 17 or so I think, but luckily my uncle and aunt offered to take me in, so off I went to Pennsylvania to live for 4 months during the winter. Then I also had trouble up there and wanted to go back home. But they wouldnt accept me back until a few months. I came back in April.

I still was binging when I got home. I even had an eating disorder therapist, we talked and what not she gave me her tips ands tuff, but it didn't really help. I went to an eating disorder clinic, inpatient, for two weeks. I met a great group of girls, all who had different stories and such sad stories. Eating disorders suck the life out of us all literally. I met and have kept a few friends from then and this September will be 5 years since I was there. I was 140 lbs then and came home and gained 15 more at my heighest.

I then went to a school and I don';t know what happened or came over me but I stopped cold turkey. I started restricting heavily again, and I dropped weight quick. I was on my way to thinville again. But I did not want to start the vicious cycle all over. For about 7 years, I dealt with all of this. It was pure hell.

Today, I am so very happy to say I am very well far from that road again. I remember 2 years ago or so when I was living with my ex, I thought, how great it feels to be able to be in control when I eat, stop when I feel full, not restrict, not over eat. It felt great. I NEVER thought I would get to that point.

Well, my grandmother is visiting, came down for my nephews baptism. We were sitting on the couch a few days ago and she said some comment I cant really remember but she basically said I was fat. It hurt me. Well, I just had a baby five months ago. I can't use that excuse much longer, but I did. I did not gain a LOT of weight, but nor am I super skinny. It takes TIME to get that off, some can get it quicker than others. I, really wasnt watching what I ate, but I never really ate alot these months, but my sweet tooth always got me. I didnt exercise either really besides little walks around the block. Well up when that comment was made, I did some changes.

I cut out eating sweets and breads started exercising more, sometiems even twice a day. Summer is coming up, I will be taking my Sadie to the water park (ohh I cannot wait!) so I must look good, I think! I do not have access to a gym now nor can I afford one, but that is not an excuse. The OUTSIDE IS FREE! I have legs, I have rollerblades, I can make up my own routines and get fit! I know I can. I have 10-15 lbs I would like to lose and stay that way. I am small, so any kind of weight on me you can see! I would like to lose my thighs and some arms and my tummy. My sister did, why can't I? I have my little girl to motivate me, I want to be healthy and set a good example for her.

Well, today, my grandmother made another comment. I was eating well all week, and was very proud of myself and exercising. I had just made myself a wrap with hummus, turkey and cheese that a friend suggested. I was so eager to try it, it was delcious! Earlier in the week I kept reading the back of a caramel syrup bottle with a recipe for a shake. Let me tell you, I NEVER make shakes. Well my mom went groery shopping today and I saw we had vanilla icecream (again we rarely have that but she bought it for my grandmother). So I wanted to make a shake, with 3-4 scoops of icecream, 3 tablesppons of caramel syrup and 1/4 cup of milk. I just was curious, I wanted to try it. So I just knew when pulling out the icecream my grandma may make a comment. I made my shake, and I had the SMALLEST amount, half of a SMALL cup. I gave the rest to her or my brother, she opted for it.

She said it was good, as I was finishing my little treat, she goes and I QUOTE "see, thats where you get your weight from". I stopped and didnt say a thing. Then I felt pain and hurt all over. I couldn't help myself and I let her have it. I said to her do you not remember when I lived up there for 4 months? I just had a baby 5 months ago, I am sorry I am not skinny or have the band like my sister does. I just took my daughter away and got ready for a walk. I was going to let my walk slide for the day, but after that comment, I had to go out. I knew I couldnt purge it, yet I wanted to, I CANNOT and WILL NOT go back down that path. I felt bad after wards for yelling at her, but I just couldnt believe another comment was hit my way. She then aplogized to me, and said it was a joke.

haha? very funny? um no, I didn't laugh. That was not a joke. So off I went with Sadie on a long fast walk and with some jogging in. I am glad I got it in I felt better after I came back but I was so hurt . especially after I was doing so well and she had to comment. My mom reminded me that my grandma has ALWAYS been like that. But still, it just hurt me. I am trying, I am pretty proud of myself. I have my sweet Sadie, I want her to see good role model behavior, and mommy has to be healthy to take care of her too.

Mindless Monday

This weekend was my nephew's baptism. I haven't read really on it or do I understand what it is all about, but I should. I don't have much say on it, I am back and forth with the whole religion thing. My mom would like me to take Sadie to church on my own, but I am still unsure. I have been to a few but its hard to put my belief in it all. I really don't know where I stand.

I was raised Catholic but I dont keep going with it. I perfer Christian church over Catholic church. I don't get anything out of Catholic church, I just don't. But, with Christian church, I love the music, the people and I seem to always come in at a time when the "service" is meant for me.

I got ready & got Sadie ready to go and everyone was there. Nice to see other side of family on my sisters side. The priest then began starting and as I realized who it was my eyes just began to FILL up with tears and they soon began pouring down my face. I couldn't stop them. This priest, Father Ed, baptised Naomi. When she was dead. My mom called for him to come that day for her to be baptised. I can't tell you why or what it means but it was sweet of her. I just remembered all of this and I turned around to my dad and said "he baptised Naomi when she died". I was holding Sadie and just hugged her really tight and kissed my necklace.

After that I was able to stop myself and tried to think of other things. My sweet Naomi. Miss my precious girly.

Ther est of the day was pretty nice, went to my sisters house for the after party. There was this pretty little 3 yr old almost 4 in March. I had fun playing with her, she had a very bright pink pretty dress on with black little heels too cute. I was running and chasing her and she kept wanting me to come in the bounce house, I said may look little but I am really not! haha made me laugh but I thought this will be be soon enough chasing my little girl!

Other news, my sister and I went to a baby consignment store to look at a double running stroller, since I will be watching her son a few days a week, and she said she wanted to help me out in any way that I can so she offered to buy it. There were two there so I picked out that one I liked the most. I am SO happy with it. I am down 2 lbs and I feel great, gotta keep it going! I surpringly have been keepingaway from sweets and breads, which was dificult before but I did it! So proud of myself! I would like to lose 10- 15 lbs. Healthy mama is my goal! I am always wanting to use it. I went rollerblading this morning with it and Sadie and I felt AWESOME after. I haven't bladed in SO long and it was just great. I then took Sadie later befoer the sun went down because she was having troubles napping today and I couldn't let her scream so I thought let me take her for a walk and she should fall asleep, sure enough she did! But I can't be taking her for a walk everytime she needs a nappie! Gotta figure out something there! I had a pretty good weekend! Hope you all did too!