Baby Beach Day!

Today Sadie had her first beach experience! My sister came back from a sleepover mid morning with her two friends and asked me if I wanted to go to the beach. She usually would ask me just to take them. I hesitated at first because I didn't know how Sadie would do and I know they like to go for quite some time. But I said "yes". I had just gotten done saying how badly I wanted to go to the beach and I thought I won't go on my own with her.

So I fed Sadie some cereal, got changed, made sure I had everything that was needed for her to bring and loaded up in the car. (Side note...I was waiting for my dad to move his car from behind my car and I was too busy I think with Sadie trying to get her to stop from crying and talking to the girls) when I started to back up and heard a noise. I froze for a minute then go oh shit. I realized what it was. My dad wasn't even in the car yet and I backed up into his car. EEEEEKS. I thought oh crap, there goes our beach trip. But luckily, everything turned out to be okay and the boat hitch thingy just got into the car a tad and my dad luckily was able to remove it and told me to go on my way. I kept aplogizing, he just said to go. So I figure lets go before something else arrives!

Our beach day turned out pretty well and Sadie was SO well behaved. I am glad. We put up an umbrella and I laid down a big blanket and I walked over to feel the water (freezing!) but some were in, crazies! I then let Sadie's feet touch the water, she did NOT like that. too cold. Started to cry! Sorry Sadie! The beach was filled with snowbirds aka canadaians! It was funny, because so many came up to admire Sadie, but I had NO idea what they were saying.

And on our way into the elevator from the beach, a canadian couple started smiling and saying baby talk to her . My sister and I and friends all just kept a smile on our face trying not to laugh. After they get out and we go on to our next floor, my sister goes "what are you supposed to say to that!? " we all jsut burst out laughing. It was quite funny just how she said it. :0)

I had a great time, and it felt great going elsewhere besides the normal mall! Fresh air and good times with my sister, friends & Sadie.

I got a little sad tho, when I started thinking. This was the beach that I came to and stayed at while grieving Naomi, well for the first couple days I did. I just was not able to go home. I remember, I would see children and families, I would hear them yet it was as in a distance. It was all very very foggy. I was numb. I was in shock. I remember I would go to the bar, Nick's Bar and just drink. I did them well over there. I told them all my sad story, and it got worse as I drank. I would just cry and cry repeating Naomi over and over again. I remember swimming in the ocean, always looking up at the sky as if she could really see me. I remember fourth of july (June Naomi passed) I remember I saw one or two fireworks at the beach, and I just had to run back to my parents condo and I just started screaming & crying. A niehgbor knocks at the door. Was concerned. She goes "is everything okay? It sounds like someone died." Yeah, my baby did. I dont recall telling her that. But thats what I was surely in so much pain about.

I felt all of a sudden a pinch of the grief all coming back to me while sitting and holding Sadie. I reached up quick and grabbed my necklace, where a part of Naomi stays. And just held it tight and said I love you baby girl.

** Since I was at the beach after losing Naomi, I started doing this thing. I would write her name in the sand and draw a heart around it. Ever since then, I found myself doing so, before I left the beach. And til this very day, I do it every single time.**

Thinking about the F.U.T.U.R.E scares me & then some!

** did not tend for this to be all over the place, BUT it helped, get it all out, and ease my mind, just a tad** :)

My sweet Sadie bug surpringly did not cause much trouble for mommy tonight and went to bed pretty easily at 8 pm, I was surprised. Has been down since and it is going on 10:30.

I did my catch up on "facebook" and blogs and I decided..its time. I came over to where I am sitting now and opened my TABE test booklet to see what it was. The other day, I went to Mcfatter, a technical school, to finally go and pay and sign up to take a test, to see what I will need to work on. I had put it away in the back of my mind for far too long and now it was time. I am beyond scared out of my mind to start any type of schooling again, well regular schooling. It has been since 2006, that I have been in school, and, I left school for that matter. I could not really take the whole classroom setting, was shy, but from middle school & now, I have COME A LONG WAY! :)

I always thought, what idiot would go all the way through highschool, in their SENIOR year, and just go out and leave!? Well, that idiot, turned out to be ME. :(. I always look at my 15 yr old sister, and I am not embarassed to admit, but I am jealous of her.Out of my two sisters, she is headed the RIGHT way. She is going to go off to college, she is going to get her own car. Heck I am 23, and I am driving around my parents dare I say it, minivan. I am the soccer mom minivan. Hey, but its a car, it drives, gets me places. I am VERY lucky to have my parents and for them to have bent over backwards YET again so help their daughter. I would do the same. I wish I can turn back time sometimes and do it all over again. But if I did, I wouldn't have my sweet Sadie here with me.

I am not proud of myself one bit, but I can say, I am proud of myself now, from where I become. I got my GED a few months after Naomi passed away. September 11 2009 actually I recieved it. So I have that, and can take that with me to start school.I should have started school a couple months after losing Naomi. But I didn't. I lost my job as a nanny, they just had to let me go, they needed a replacement, and I do not think I could have been back there knowing I was going to take Naomi back with them anyways. I just lingered in bed for months and months, with depression not doing a thing. I could have had gotten a little job, or started one class. I just could not bring myself to do anything.

**side note** I was making pretty good money for not even having my GED then and being a nanny.(Lets say $500 a week) I loved it, I LOVE KIDS. LOVE THEM. They are my world. I worked Monday thru Fri 8am to 6pm, weekends off, had the best job then! (now I say the best job is parenting!) I did NOT (cringe) save a SINGLE penny from that job. And that was my main job for almsot 18 months. I would not be back living at home if I had saved some of that. I spent it . I spent alot of it in my "marriage" (that can be another post some other time), spent money on our dinners, took my sister out and her friends and got them alot of things, always said "i got the check" at dinners with my friends, thinking I had all the money in the world. I didn't. I would get my hair and nails done, and buy clothing. I was NEVER one to know how to budget my money. And I STILL am having trouble. I need help on that. So that is why I am at home, I basically have maybe 2-3 grand from my taxes and that is it. I think HOW in the WORLD am I ever going to get out of here, get my own car and all of these things? I Want to SO badly buy my little girl clothing, and toys and books and all of that. My little girl has MORE of a wardrobe then her mommy does. I laugh at that. I so badly need new clothing. Just a few outfits. But I am dealing with the little clothes I got, I happened to throw out a lot of them. For unknown reasons. I need makeup. I need shoes. But I DEAL with what I got. More importantly, I worry my little girl has all that she needs. Mommy comes 2nd.Its all on my "to do list" but that can wait.:)My parents are helping out with that. It hurts, I cry about it. But I am the only one that can step it up from here. I have a LONG way to go, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get out of this "financial hole" I am in. **

But I can't say "should have or could have or would have". Its in the PAST. Its done already. Ah, I am changing off subject a bit here, SORRY! The main thing that has been on my mind now is SCHOOl. School. Those 6 very letters just scare me. Yet I KNOW I have to get going now. I have my little one, to support. And I do not, as a 23 year old, want to live with my parents forever. Yet I am scared too, to venture out on my own yet again but with my daughter. I so badly want to make it. I am so thankful for my parents supporting me, espcially after all these years, I have put them through alot.

So, I sat down (as from the beginning of what I was trying to say) and I did the sample testing in the booklet. I managed 24/28 correct. Not bad ey? MATH is the killer. Always has been. I have a test scheduled for Tuesday bright and early at 8 am. I am nervous. Will I bet with students? Nerves are starting as I even type this too. I am going to be okay though. Why? I have an angel, cheering her mommy on, and a beautiful daughter at home that I have to do this for. For both my girls. I want to SO badly make them proud.

I just don't know where Sadie will go after when I go to school and IF I even go to that school. I partly want to find something online that I can do from home, so I can watch her too. I have been with her 24/7 since she was born, the thought of me having to part her makes me sad, but I know I will be able to see her right after. I don't know who would watch her or where the money would come from , but my parents have said they will figure it out. I love them so much, I don't know where I would be without them.

Now, I do not even know what I want to do. CALL ME SCATTERBRAIN. As you can tell my mind is a thousand places all at once. I had always wanted to be a teacher. From the very young age, I have LOVED children. Would play teacher in my room and have my stuffed animals as my "students". Would write on the dry erase board & "talk" to my class. But, that is 4 years of schooling and now, I do not know where the salary lies. I need something within 2 years I would say and something with $$$. Before, I never ever was one for looking at the big pay. But now, NOW I need to. I am a single mother, and I need to be able to support my daughter. It is NOT going to be easy, but so many do it. I can too.

With all of my recent hospital stays with both of my pregnancies, especially with Sadie, I have taken into condieration possibly, dare I say it, being a nurse. A nurse that works with pregnant woman. I have always been a helper & been kind at heart. But, the schooling, the amount of studying, I don't know. I was never a studier. I saw my mom go through it all. She graduated when I was pregnant with Naomi. I remember crying watching her walk, I was so emotional (of course!). She went back to school and did all of this. Studied non stop. Hours and hours and hours. She was one of the top students in her class. GO MOM! She has all of the books in her room, TONS of them. And she would be of so much help I am sure, but I don't even know if I can do it. Id like to think I can?

Maybe an ultrasound tech I thought about too? It looked neat. But then again, I just don't know. Plus, I am afraid, if I tell my mom and dad if thats what I want to do, I feel like they may think I am not capable of it. I am NOT the smartest cookie there is. But, I never really applied myself. So maybe I am smarter than I think?

I just KNOW I've got to do something. I've got to do it for both of my girls, Naomi & Sadie. It's not going to be easy, not one bit, but I've got so many pushing for me and willing to help and root me on. I want to be able to say I DID IT!

Fab Friday Foto's

So I can't contain myself, I just want to share some photos with you all if that is okay, of BOTH of my beautiful girls. Some will be recent of Sadie, and some will be from early weeks, some of Naomi as well. Do you see any resembalance? I SURE DO.

Sorry about all the pictures.. I went picture crazy. But boy, Looking through Naomi's, its been a while, brought me to tears. Oh how looking at them, just brought me back to those very days I was with her.I am SO SO glad I took so many of her.

The first set of pictures from top to bottom, are of Sadie, from NEWEST to oldest. then the last half are of my precious Naomi. Very last one was a few days or weeks after I found out I was pregnant with Naomi, little did I know, my world would change forever 25+ weeks later.

Oh, you see the older guy holding Sadie? Thats my dad. Long story , but so glad he came around with this whole situation. HE NAMED MY DAUGHTER. :) I had always had the name Gracie Faith picked out, but wasn't 100% on it because two of my sisters had commented it sound sort of countryish (and I am by far a country person) and then one said it has too much (Grace & faith) yet since when did I care about their opinion? I even remember the nurses asking when I was in there, I said I dont know just yet! They told me some moms do better when seeing the baby. So while they had brought her into me the 2nd day, my dad was holding her and said, what bout Sadie? I thought, ugh yuck, no. Then the more I said it over and over in my head while looking at her, I go OMG. IT FITS HER. She looks like a Sadie. He even wrote it on a napkin, Sadie Marie. To see how it would look. And I kept that napkin. It is in her baby book where the "name" thing or choices came up. ;) Marie is a very common middle name, goes with alot, and happens to me both my moms and my middle name :). I just do not know how that name came up, was not on my list! ha, but I love it!

Firsts for baby Sadie ! Now the fun begins...

Yesterday, mama tried Beachnut cereal/oatmeal with Sadie for the first time. It was so very cute, she made the usual baby first expressions with it but did pretty well! She ate a couple bites then was a bit fussy so I decided I will stop and nurse her.

I can't believe I have come to the point now to where it is time to actually feed her baby food and things, how exciting & the fun begins! Messy messy times! It just seems like yesterday she were home from the hospital, eating like a baby bird from the tiniest bottles! Oh how my baby is growing! oh! And I also tried carrots with her later on in the day and she liked them! I was surprised! :)

Around 5 o clock last night, I took Sadie for a walk our usual route is the park and then home. So I decided to stop at the swings & I took her out and she sat on mama's lap and we sung for a few minutes. She was a little scared at first but then mama slowed down and we got off and went to the baby swing, (more her type! ;) and well I stood there hesitantly looking to her and then the swing a good 5 times! I wasn't sure if she would go in or not, she just looked so small to me. (But yes in some pictuers she does look big, I just think its the camera ;) but well I thought I will try it! I put her in and she was kind of like "uh mom what is this!?" I pushed her a little but then she ended up getting cranky and then slid on down, so she still has a little more growing to do then she will be able to sit up like a big girl!

This is the best picture I could get! With her fussing when "mom thought oh I better get my phone out for this! Since it was her first time in baby swing at the park!" When my phone would finally take the picture, Sadie's head was turned!

Side note: Naomi would have been 21 months yesterday! :( miss you baby girl OH so much & love you with all of my heart. I have got to start planning and working on the March of Dimes, her birthday (April), and the preeclampsia quilt design!

Oh! Today 1/28/11 I put Sadie down for a nap 2 hrs after waking up, because I noticed she was fussy and I thought let me give it a try. So I nursed her and she fell asleep and I quietly laid her down & stepped out of the room. I thought WOW! She didn't wake up for once and start crying. I go to my mom "watch, in 10 minutes shes going to wake up and start crying." But she DIDNT! She slept for an HOUR! I was so happy. Now, let me explain. For a good few weeks, I had been having difficulty getting her to nap. She would usually fall asleep while feeding and I would lay her down, and she would just end up waking up again screaming and crying, I would try and let her cry it out a little and soothe herself back to sleep, but it wouldnt happen and or I would just go pick her up becasue my heart couldn't take it.

I thought what the heck is wrong with me? Why can't I get her to nap? She always just fell asleep and would wake up as soon as I put her down. I would get frustrated because I know she is still a little baby, and NEEDS her sleep. I do not want her to get sick on me. I know babies and toddlers get sick, but I wanna keep it away as long as I can! We all know sleep is very important. So I belong to this group "Rainbow babies" on facebook and I decided let me ask a question and explain what has been going on with her. And I got a LOT of wonderful feedback, some mommies told me about some boks and some just told me what they do. Like this one mom said she usually puts her baby down 2 hrs after waking up for the morning nap (which sounds pretty good) and then after that waking, maybe 3 or so hrs for afternoon nap.

So I thought I will give it a try. I also have been having a LOT of difficulty at night with her. I thought 5 or 6 was too early for a baby to go down "for the night". My sister does that with her son, and some other mommies start "the routine" then too. So I thought, hm maybe its not too early afterall? But Sadie would cry and cry and just would not go to bed until 9;30 on the dot. She would do the same thing at bedtime as nap time. I would feed her til shes full and she would fall asleep and of course just cry and cry. Now, I did just wake up from a 2 hr nap with her, (she naps SO well on me-but I just cannot nap with her everyday. I wish I can, but mommy has to get things done sometimes!) But she laid on me while I laid in bed and I just have my arm over her and we both sleep in peace!

So with two good naps in today, I am going to see how tonight works with her bedtime to see if having her nap well during the day helps get her easier to sleep at night? Because maybe by night time she is just WAY beyond tired, and I have read that overly tired babies have a hard time sleeping or getting to sleep. I am crossing my fingers for this. I just want to be a good mommy to her, I know I am, but I just wanna be able to figure out whats causing her to cry & cry like this :(. If this doesn't work, my mom suggested calling into her doctor to explain whats going on to see if she would recommend anything else or if something could be possibly wrong. :( I sure hope not.

Another face to the BLM community ...:(

So, earlier tonight, I get a message on facebook from a friend from highschool, that knows my story and my loss of Naomi and has been very sweet about it all and supportive.

I didn't expect to hear this heartbreaking news from her. I will post what she had written me:

hey hunny, i hoe you and Sadie bug are doing wonderful! this is a bit random, but we just found out that my cousin, who is 9 months pregnant and due next week, is in the hospital. the doctors cannot find any vitals on her babygirl, and though we are praying and praying for a miracle, we are prepared for the worst. shes going to deliver her tonight, my hearts broken for her becuase shes only 18 this is her first baby and this was soo unexpected...anyway i am reaching out to you in hopes that you might suggest something, anything, like a program for grieving mothers or anything like that? she does not want to talk to anyone or see anyone (understandably) but sometime soon id like to suggest any kind of help to her to get her through in the worst case scenario. thanks in advance, x's and o's to you an your little beauty ♥ .


Oh, I just CRIED when I read this, and I am not even close friends with this girl, nor do I know her cousin. But of course any baby loss, I can relate to it. I, didn't know exactly what to say in response to all of this. So I had to pause for a few, first to get myself together and then to think, where did I go? What advice or what groups did I attend? What links shall I gave to her? I offered to speak to her or go see her, but she is a bit far from where I live, but I offered to definitely talk to her (when she is ready). I got news after that she will be induced tonight. So I ask for prayers for this young girl, her sweet daughter and her family.

I did tell her about the Face of Loss Face of Hope, where she can read (sadly) many stories, maybe some similar to her experience. I just dont want her to be overwelmed with so much information yet I told my friend I will gather information and things to have when she is ready. Oh I can imaagine yet I cant, reaching all the way to the end, and having this tragedy happen. Definitely unexpected news and heart wrenching to hear about.

Face of Loss Face of Hope Feb writing

I belong to a blog called Face of Loss Face of Hope & they asked if we would like to participate in a montly writing:

February’s topic: Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. Write about something special a friend, family member, or other loved one did for you after your baby(ies) died that really touched your heart

After Naomi passed away, it was extremely difficult to be near or with family. You would think it would be the opposite. But I just could not handle it all. I pushed them away. And I look back and wish I hadn't. My uncle, grandma, and Aunt all flew down from the North to come to her funeral. They were all supposed to come to meet her for the first time, not to witness her in her tiny coffin.

I remember my grandma and uncle arriving home with my dad from the airport. I remember trying to dance & smile and just pretend it was a good visit. But I was ever so hardly holding back a RIVER of tears. My uncle, he lost his 9 year old son, 22 years ago, and he told me straight up how it is. "It doesn't get easier, Im not going to lie, you have a tough road ahead of you Jill".

But, through all of this, my wonderful family just let me be, do whatever I needed to do to just "live". I could not go home for awhile after it happened, so my parents opened up their condo on the beach to let me stay for awhile. I needed a "getaway". They also payed and made all the arrangements for my sweet daughters funeral. I just could not take part in any of it. I couldn't think straight. Yet I wish sometimes i did help with that. But I cannot THANK them enough.

Also, my best friend. I don't know where I would be without her today. Her and her family had been WONDERFUL as well. The night of losing my daughter, they rented a hotel for Bonnie & I for two nights I think it was for me to get away in as well. I know also, so many times they offerend me and let me stay in their home as well in the spare bedroom. They were so thoughtful and caring and always asked how I was. I will never forget them or their sweet & kind hearts. I was so beyond grief stricken & here they opened their home and hearts to me, as if I were there 2nd daughter.

I leave a picture of my best friend & I.

If only THEY knew....

Yes, I feel like SCREAMING, and at them.

So, earlier today I read not one but TWO fb status' that just really really aggravated me and annoyed me. One that read:

"i swear i wish men were the ones to go through being pregnant and child birth ... like its easy carrying around an extra 30 pounds all in my belly, and having someone kick you all day. Before you bitch about what we do all day, try being pregnant!! ... just saying"

I LOVED when Sadie & Naomi would kick and punch me all day long. I couldn't have felt happier! I didn't get so big with Naomi, so I couldn't say that I was carrying around that extra weight until well after I had her I did balloon up with fluids. But with Sadie, I got bigger than I was when I was pregnant with Naomi, and I LOVED it. I wanted to even get bigger! I craved being uncomfortable, I craved the heartburn (even tho its not so fun! ha) but I craved it all. Pregnancy, and being a woman, I wouldn't change for the world. We get to carry our sweet babies, feel the love from day 1 we get that "pregnant" on our tests, and feel the continuous movements that I miss so much now, but yet am so very happy Naomi's sister is here safe & sound. If only SHE knew.

Then another friend of mine I couldn't BELIEVE wrote:

"please thursday morning come fast!! not feeling good at all today.. :("

So I reply back:Hey, if youre not feeling right, and not good call your doctor & go in today. No need to wait it out & something go wrong within a day. Ive seen & hear it happen. So make a call if you need to Tara.

Then she replies back to others and me & to me replies: jill-i called an tried to make my appointment today but shes the on call doctor an i didnt want to go to the hospital to be sent home so im just going to wait it out till tomorrow morning..

Well, can you guess what through my mind then!?!!?!?!? If you are not feeling well and off, who is one to GO IN AND CHECK ANYWAYS to make sure your baby is okay!?! And she is at the VERY VERY end of her pregnancy. How many times have I read so tragically that stuff goes terribly wrong, and possibly that extra day could have prevented it all? I even think in my case sometimes if only I went in "when this happened & this and so and so" would my Naomi be here today. I would rather go in and make sure everything is okay & be SENT HOME than waiting and going in the next day, and having to deliver a baby and go home WITHOUT my baby. I want to so badly comment again on it but something is holding me back? Actually, just now thinking, I may send her a personel message? Explaining where I am coming from? Yet I just dont want to scare her,(any suggestions!?) but it is a reality, yet I am sure everything is fine, but thats what us mothers may try and tell ourselves when in fact its not? I just worry, when I see comments & stuff like that, it drives me up the wall!

If only SHE KNEW.

Mindless Monday!

Today, I watched on tv, along with many others, thousands I am sure, the memorial service of two fallen police officers that lost their lives in the line of duty this past Thursday. They were serving a warrent for an arrest for this guy, who was accused of a homocide. And to elude police officers and get away, he shot them and the one (male) died instantly and the other officer (female) died on the operating table.

Here these officers risk their lives every single day and are protecting our community and idiotic people have to take the lives of these police officers who are just doing their job. It brought me to tears, while the wife of the one offficer was holding hands with her two sons and other son following behind while walking into the building.

And yet, learning of the exact same happenings AGAIN and two other officers killed in another city/county just is horrendous and so tragic. I will keep these families and friends and victims in my prayers & thoughts.

Grief Stricken, badly.

I miss her with every part and soul of my body, it hurts, it hurts all over again like the coming days after my sweet Naomi passed.

Yesterday, my friend Anne came over with her daughter Mia for their first "playdate". Even though Sadie is only 4 months old, and her daughter will be 2 next month, it was nice to see them and catch up on things.

When I was in the hospital after I had Naomi, her and her husband came with Mia, then almsot 3 months old, and brought me a beautiful pink laundary baby basket FILLED with diapers, baby laundary detergent, toys, and all the necessities prob well worth $1o0. I was just so taken back by it all, I will never forget it and still til this day when I see her I think about it.

Well after she left, unknowingly, I felt sad. And well I had plans the following night (today) to go out with my best friend and a few others to karokee, and that had fell through because my mom had a quick change to take my sister and her friends to Busch Gardens because my sisters very good grades. I was upset about that because I had been looking forward to it for this week but then I told myself there will be other days.

I was sitting on my laptop when my mom came home and I was still bothered by it when she had said she would babysit for me, and I NEVER ask to go out or do anything, and this was just one time (besides new years) that I really wanted to go and do. So I was crying a little, overtired and whatnot. I then without looking at her said, "can I have my pictures of Naomi?" She spoke with me asking if I am sure, and went to go get them. She held them in her hands and said are you sure again? She said I can tell you where I keep them and you can go see them when you want or need to.

And let me just say, I have never seen them, these are pictures that were taken after my Naomi died. 18 or so months, I have not seen then but knowing they were around, lately they had been on my mind. So she told me where they were kept, and put them back. As my mom went to bed, I went and got them. I took one look at then (there were two) and I immediately started bawling. My mom told me previously that "its not her Jill" Its not her.

She is all discolored and on her hands were all bruised from the iv lines and everything. And just was there. She was right, did not look like her. It wasn't her. That was not the sweet baby girl I grew to know for 35 days here , yet 8 short months in mommy's tummy. And I just held them and cried and cried.

I went to bed with a heavy heart. I couldnt sleep at first and I went into the kitchen and here Naomi's video was playing. I went up close to it on the computer screen and watched as she would barely open her eyes and watched her little mouth and her tongue move with that stupid iv down her, I was able to only catch 45 secoonds and I had to press a key on the computer to stop it (the screensaver is a collection of ALL the pictures and videos in the computer and just so happens her video was playing) A sign? I think so.

Well this morning, I woke up grief stricken. Badly. my stomach hurt, felt so heavy and so did my heart. Yes I have my beautiful Sadies with me, and to love and to hold and to kiss and to help fill my void, but I was just missing Naomi SO much and have all day today since last night.

I was browsing blogs today and came across a friends blog and on hers I clicked onto another. This mother happened to have a baby bornstill, on 4/27/2010. A year ago from Naomi's birthday. I thought there is another sign. Yet I still felt so horrible for these parents . I know their pain all too well.

I feel like I should be doing more for my Naomi and all the other babies passed, So many mommies and daddies do. They create funds or things in name of their babies or go on to create groups to help grieving families, or make babies names in neat forms. And I don't or haven't done anything, I feel. I dod do the March of Dimes last year, but I feel i need to do ALOT more. I don't know what, but I want to search within myself and figure it out. I want to do more, i want to stop all of this from happening WAY too many times. Too many.

Maybe I can create something for grieving parents and families or sisters and brothers? I am not very creative, but I have to use my brain and think. I must do more. I must.

I miss my little sweet Naomi. I miss her so much today. I always do. I dont think people truely understand my pain, unless they have been through it. Today, I read and other days, how some friends cannot wait or are rushing the birth of their babies because they are "sick" or "bothered" by being pregnant. It kills me, I want to go off on them, but I don't because I feel like everyone else will attack me.

If only they knew what I went through and STILL live with every single day of my life. It wont go away. I will ALWAYS live with the fact I do not have my firstborn with me. The fact I will never hear her say Mommy, never see her smile, never see her go off to school, never see her get married, or have kids, all those milestones. I only can TRY and imagine what it would be like, yet I don't even think I can do that.

Each and every day I come across more and more stories of loss, of parents and mommies losing their babies and it just BREAKS MY HEART every single time. I cry and cry at every single story. And I feel my grief all over again. I wish I can do more, so much more. In time, I think I will be able to do alot. I just need to get there.

I miss you Naomi Hope Marish. Not a day goes by that I never think of you. I look at your little siter and I see alot of you in her, and I think you would have grown up to look like her. I really believe so. I thank you for sending your sweet sister to me. One day, we will all be reunited again. Love you baby girl always & forever.

FOUR MONTHS OLD!?!?

On this day, 4 months ago, at 11:00 am, I gave birth to Naomi's beautiful baby sister, Sadie Marie Marish, weighing 4lb 15 oz and 16.5 inches long. I kissed her on her sweet forehead and griminced at her sweet newborn cries.

It feels like yesterday that I was being wheeled in to the OR by the nurses & DR. I remember that day, passing a newborn baby girl just a few hours old and thinking awe, that is going to be me very shortly. Oh how I wish I can do it all over again.

At 4 months old, Sadie can:

smile, smiles at mommy, grandma and others. She has the prettiest smile ever. When she smiles, her whole face lights up and she just gets besides her self. It is by far the cutest.

laugh!: Just a couple days shy of turning 4 months old, Sadie surprised mama by laughing at a weird sound when I was changing her diaper! She only did it 2 other days once in a row, but I am sure as this month goes by, I will hear more baby laughter, music to my ears! Oh I just get all giddy hearing her little laughs, so cute and amazes me those noises come out of my little girl.

can hold her head up pretty good & looks around & is aware of things alot more!:She will turn her head alot and look around at things in the house or when out. It is just so crazy in so little time how one can change and how much she can learn. She also is on to sucking her little thumb to calm her down & have her be at peace with herself. She holds and plays with her little blankey and will figure out a way to put her thumb into her mouth & soothe herself to sleep, melts mamas heart!

She also does very well at tummy time, will go for a few minutes & then wants to be picked up by mommy. I noticed alot that she has become a LOT less colic, I'd say it pretty much has gone away.

The other day, she slept 6 straight hours after mama put her to bed for the first time in her own little thing. It felt great that I was able to do that yet sad because she is growing up way too fast.

My little Sadie is 4 months old! WIll have her 4 month old checkup tomorrow :( having to see her get those shots, pains me, but it keeps her from being a sick little girl often! I am curious on how much she weighs! I am guessing around 12.5 lbs. Last visit at the special doctor for her kidneys she weighed almost 10 lbs !

Milestones!

A week ago, I noticed Sadie started eating on her hands, so got me thinking, is she starting to teeth a bit? I googled and some said it could be that and or just learning and noticing her hands, developmentally. I thought how cute!

Then sure enough, I come in to check on her napping in her little swing, and I gasped. SHE WAS SUCKING ON HER THUMB!!! It was toooo cute! I just stood there a few minutes watching her. That I noticed was on the 7th.

Then *today* around 2:35 I thought I better hurry up and change Sadie's diaper before I have to run to get my sister from school. And a few minutes prior to that I thought Sadie was doing her business aka "tinky diaper" so when I had her on the changing table I was changing her and I said "no tinkys?!" she made a little noise like a half kinda laugh thing. I gasped. So I said it again, and, SHE STARTED TO LAUGH! I did it again, and she let out another laugh. Oh it was the CUTEST thing I had seen from her lately. I started welling up with tears. I just starred at her. To think those noises and sounds are coming from my little girl, oh she is growing up before my very own eyes! I quickly texted my mom and best friend and a few others. I was too happy!

I know there are lots more milestones to come, I just hope I am around to catch them!

Oh! And a few days ago, I got a text from a wonderful mama I have been talking to and keeping in touch with from the preeclampsia forums. She had told me her and her husband and baby were coming down this way to visit for the day. I was SO excited when I got that text. I had never gotten up so early and showered and got baby Sadie all clean that quick .

As I was walking up to them I started getting very teary eyed. I thought damn it Jill dont cry. Not now. But yet we both have been through hell and back lately and also from losing our sweet firstborns, and how we both now have our rainbow babies and meeting for the first time, oh it was just bittersweet but very nice. I had such a great time with them. We spent the day at the mall and had a nice lunch at Grand Lux Cafe.

I didn't want to say goodbye but good things have to come to an end and so they had to start heading back to their side of town. I am hoping to definitely see them again and next time head up over their way. It was too cute, we were telling everyone that they were on a date together, we got so many comments. Sadie wasnt the little baby anymore though, everywhere I went she was usually the little one! :)

Welcoming 2011 with open arms!

Sorry about the one little picture and nothing written before! I was on my way to blog then I got interuppted by my friend, at the door to go have an early lunch with Sadie & I before mama's big night out. Which I was counting down sense early December for! I love love love being with Sadie, dont get me wrong, but I think every mama needs a day or few hours to themselves. And after 3.5 months, and it being New Years, I thought let me ask my mom if she can babysit, (I NEVER ask!) and she gladly accepted. Mama had a grand time with her friends. My mom has been amazing, I can't thank her enough! I even took over at 3 am (even from a few drinks, but sobered up before coming home). I am told by my sister, I am a super mom! She doesn't know how I do it. And I am even doing it pretty much on my own. Its not easym but I love every minute of it!

So it being a new year and all, this year is MY year. My year to shine! I have so much I want to accomplish and be able to do. I am scared, very scared. I think about it all and I get overwhelmed. I will be attending school in the next few months, for what you may ask? I am not so sure. But it has to be SOMETHING to where I can support both my daughter and I. I am 23, and will be 24 this year-STILL living at home. Well moved back home from being in an abusive marriage, so I did get a taste of being out on my own I would say. I think about it though alot, will I be out of here BEFORE my 15 yr old sister graduates highschool!? I worry about that. But I could be alot worse, I could be stuck with nowhere to go. I am so lucky my parents took me in. I owe them alot.

I worry, when or where or who I will be putting Sadie with for daydare or to watch while mommy goes to school. Or will I be able to find something online school wise that I can do it from home and be able to watch Sadie as well as do schooling? I am with her 24/7 and just th thought of her being gone or with someone other than family FREAKS ME OUT! I try not to think about it but I just have to, its reality and its coming up QUICK! I have to set and make plans for this year for myself & miss Sadie. Make goals and REACH them. I dont even own my own car. Never have. I am 23. I would SO love to work towards saving up to get a decent car for myself. I also would like to learn to SAVE period. Since I was 15, I have always been horrible with money. Why didn't they have something like that in highschool? If it wasn't for me spending every cent from when I was a nanny for 16 months, I wouldnt be here at my parents house. I made $500 every week, some good money for what I did, and every single cent was spent. Clothes, on hy husband and his family (wish I never did), my sister & her friends, I was always offering to pay for dinners and lunches, getting hair and nails done, I thought I had it made. WRONG. And now I look back, all that money and hard work down the drain.

Now I have got to start over again. Its okay. I can do it. I have to. I could have had my own car by now, my own little place. Just gotta go FORWARD from here. I wouldn't have to depend on my $$$$ that I have got from taxes and that be it. I am worried. But I am here with my family but I do NOT Want to depend on them anymore. Yet I sitll have to for a little while until I pick up things. I am scared I wont be able to do it all, juggling school & work, and Sadie and other things. I worry, will i ever find a good man? Someone that someday Sadie can call Daddy? It hurts. I want her to have that in her life, but for now, mommy has to worry about her and I, working on getting mommy back up on her own, that can come later.

So my goals for this year are:

1. Complete some schooling, whatever it may be, and work hard. Study hard. GIVE IT MY ALL.
2. Learn to SAVE $$, learn that not every $ in my bank account does not have to be spend just because "I have it".
3. Learn to say No. "No" as in I cannot buy my friends dinners or lunches anymore. I am a single mom, I just cannot afford it with NO money coming in. Learn that they will understand.
4. I would LOVE to learn to cook a few meals or dishes. I have conquered baking for the most part this last half of the year. I need to learn to cook for Sadie & I someday, healthy meals that is!
5. Put away money for a car. My very first car.
6. Exercise & stay healthy. Yes everyone says that, but I mean it. I would love to be able to at least take daily walks or runs with Sadie in the stroller or every other day as I can, and trim down and just be healthy for hersake & mine.
7. Start to work on Sadie's photo album and get that going! (How to pick and pring so many of her pictures!)
8. To work on my relationship with my father, sisters & brother. Since middle school my relationship with my father hasnt been the greatest. Yet I admit hes been such a great father, I am very lucky to have. I just dont know how to form a relationship with him and I need to work on that. He is quite close with my 2 sisters and brother, I have always seemed to push him away. And my siblings I would like to form more of a bond with them.
9. BLOG MORE & LEARN TO ADD & REARRANGE MY BLOG!!! (any help is GREATLY appreciated)

If I can think of anything else, I will add! But I think that is quite a hefty list there! I will come back and relook at this in 3 months or so and see where I am on each one of these!

I am excited and hoping for a great year! This year Sadie will have all of her firsts, well some of them and I just am hoping I can be around to see and catch them.

Hope you all have a safe & wonderful New Year. Heres to 2011!