I would have an almost 2 year old.

I come after the number 1 and come before the number 3. I am the number 2.

I was at the bank this afternoon putting in a check so I can go purchase my white noise machine for baby Sadie. We were waiting outside to go into the little room and there was this maybe 20 some guy out there as well as another woman. He happened to ask how old Sadie was. I said shes 5 months. He said, "Have a two year old, its fun". I was about to say back "and a lot of work too." But I didn't.

I then kept repeating over and over in my head, I should have an almost 2 year old. My Naomi will be two in two months exactly (the 27th is about 30 minutes away). I kept looking in the clouds, as if something would appear. Nothing.

I went on with my day and I came home and was undressing Sadie for a bath. I then looked over at Naomi's memorial that is across from her changing table. (Sadie can turn her head to where she can see it). I then told her like I always do, that is your big sister Naomi. She is watching over you, and I can't wait to tell you all about her. I said this all to Sadie this time, with tears just pouring from my eyes. I kept looking at her pictures and just was so heartbroken all over again.

I then took Sadie with me to throw away a diaper in the kitchen. Then I see Naomi's vidoes and pictures playing on the computer. (OUr slideshow is of ALL of the computer pictures and videos, very random all the time). And here it happened to be hers after I was just thinking about her and kissed my necklace. That made me cry even harder, I felt back in my strong grief all over again. My dog was even looking at me and was ready to jump on me. (He used to jump on me and lick my face all the time when iwas home alone just bawling and screaming my eyes out for Naomi days, weeks and months after her passing.)

I hugged Sadie and put her into the bath tub and tried to continue on and not be hyssterical while giving her a bath.

I simply miss Naomi. I would have an almost 2 year old.

LOL Smiley Face....eh not so much

I don't know what came over me but I am sad. I feel down. Yet, I should be the happiest girl in the world. I have my sweet Sadie here with me. Don't get me wrong I am SO very thankful and happy she is here with me.

I wanna take a guess at where it all came from all of a sudden. I guess I feel like I should be doing more. Every day seems like the same old day and routine pretty much. I just feel blah. I feel like I should be doing more, A LOT more. Every day, I get up with Sadie, go for our walks, watch tv sometimes, visit a friend or two, go to the mall and explore and what not. I'll do laundary and dishes, help around the house, do some cleaning. Something is just missing.

I need a plan, I need to plan for our future. Me not knowing what to do or where to go, is getting me down, big time. I need to fix this.

My mom got off the phone with my sister before I was leaving to go out to finish an art piece that I didn't get to finish 2 weeks ago so she said she would take baby Sadie for an hr or two so I can finish it. Looks like, my sister will be needing my help. Supermom will be back in action. I used to watch my nephew once a week for the day. But now, it looks like it will be 5 times a week, Monday through Friday, from 9 to 3. She needs help. She isn't on her own, she is married, is not living at home, and is 22. She also has THREE crazy dogs. She has never been one for chldren, but started a family of her own and needs the extra help. It is a bit too much for her, and I understand. She always is telling me she doesnt know how I do it all by myself. Makes me proud, but I have had so much experience since the age of like 12, and it just comes natural to me. I was a nanny for 2, 11 months apart, baby and toddler. I know it all pretty much.

So I can do it. It will help her out and help me out as well. But, what got to me is, the pay. My mom told me she is offering $125 a WEEK for this. Um, slavery much? And she HAS the money. She has it. I don't. So I guess that kind of got me mad and upset, when she should know how much I am struggling with money. I asked my mom, well wait, what about school. (My mom and I spoke a little bit on our walk this morning about school, she suggested doing hair maybe, or she looked up medical assisting, that was some online some in school, she said that she could work her work schedule around and watch Sadie for me when I went in). My mom said well, when school comes around, she will have to find some other arrangement for Jimmy.

I shouldn't complain about the amount, especially because he is a pretty easy baby, but I need money. I have always been a helper, and its made me happy to help others. So I should be and am greatful. Especially because I am wanting to get Sadie's professional pictures done , and I will have some money to put down for the appointment . I just have been doing alot of thinking about the past and wish I hadn't spent all of my hard earned money when I was a nanny. IF I HADNT, I WOULDNT BE IN THIS POSITION. I would be on my own in my own place, possibly have my own car. But I cannot go back. But I do alot, I just wasted all of that money down the drain. Now I have got to work my way back up. I just think of it all at once. I a 23 , still do not have my own car, I want to SO badly be able to pay my own bills (when I have them), pay for insurance, pay for gas, pay for my little girls things and toys and clothing, I want to do it all. I AM SUPERMOM FOR GOODNESS SAKES. I CAN DO THIS.

Well I even just got a phone call while typing this from my mom, she has Sadie and my sister, they will be on their way back from walmart. I will be watching my nephew tomorrow from 9 to 3. My sister NEEDS THAT BREAK. Me? I don't. I got it. I love being with Sadie. My break is pretty much at night when she goes down. I just have to realize I am doing a huge favor for my sister and helpin gher. I just wish she would contact me more to say how am I doing, then just to ask if I can babysit? I think I am more than that.

Sorry about the rambling but I am just hurting now. My 15 yr old sister was holding Sadie today and said how its sad she doesnt have a father. I think that is on my mind too. That is a whole nother post, I may not even post on that because of certain things, but it is hard. Looking at her, I think about that alot. But, he isnt in her life for a VERY GOOD YET SAD AND SICK REASON. I am keeping my daughter safe. I owe her that.

I think alot, how will I ever meet a good guy and possibly father figure for her if I am stuck living at home and barely go out really to meet anyone? But first thought comes to mind, is I have to get ME BACK ON TRACK FIRST. I have to get going in school, I have to worry about my Sadie and I first. The time will come hopefully, when I will be able to meet a guy. I just wish I was given the right path to take, what to go to school for, how to do this and that. Life is hard. I have to figure it out, I feel all on my own. But I have my wonderful family and few close friends and few friends from afar that I know are there 100% and backing me up. I appreciate it so much.

I can and will get there some day. I look at all my friends that are married, have or are renting houses, have babies on the way or already do, NOONE has it perfect. NOONE does. Even tho some may seem like they do, they dont. I have to remember that. I just seem like I want to have it all, because I havent for so long. But, in all honesty, I do. I have Sadie. I just want to be something, I want to be someone, I want to make MORE of myself than ever before. It will NOT be easy. I won't be on facebook chatting and checking up on people like I do now. I will be busy, very busy, I want that. I want to work on building my life, my future for Sadie & I.

I will sit down this weekend and really read on career ideas. I am thinking about what my mother suggested. She thinks I would like medical assisting. That way, I could get my foot somewhat in the door in the medical field. I could work with the kids she suggested or in pediatrics since I LOVE kids. Then, I figure, maybe by the time Sadie is in school, I can then think about returning back to school to go for nursing. I would love to be able to do it, but I just do not know if I have the brains for it all. I guess I dont know until I try? I also thought of the hair school, I dont know much about doing hair, but it would be SO neat to learn it. Who knows. I am praying that someone, maybe Naomi, can send me a sign, of the career path I should choose.

This blog is all ramble jamble, but my mind is always on school/work now and bettering my life for Sadie (money and school wise). Its been time way long ago. I aplogize for the unorganized mess this is. Just needed to write, because I did some crying tonight. Writing surely does help!

ABC & POSITIVITY

I am ready, finally ready to do something about school. For so long, I had been nervous about it and still not wanting to really go back, until about a few short weeks ago. The more I think about it, I am anxious to get things started. BUT, I have a few obstacles I need to figure out that have been on my mind.

A week or two ago, I did go take the TAPE test at a local technical school and I still am needing to go and get my results for them. I need to give the school a call tomorrow morning and get on it. I cannot let that pass without me doing so. I will then go in and talke with a guidance couselor. I am hoping they may be of some help, but yet I just worry and think they will not care and I will be on my own in this.

A few days ago, when I was watching my nephew, my sister called me to see how things were going (um, I am supermom, no need to worry! :) and I said good. We are usually quick to hang up because I just don't ever have much to say to her on the phone, but she ended up asking me about school. (I assume she saw it from on facebook). I said to her briefly I went in and did what I had to do I am just waiting now to get results. She apparently was speaking to our mom and said that both of them think I will not be able to do school or work until Sadie is in school. WHAT!?!?!? I then got off the phone with her and just CRIED. I thought how am I ever going to get out of my parents house? How will I ever meet a guy? How will I ever go on to support my little girl!? My mind was swirling with all these thoughts and questions.

I thought, great. So my dad is pushing me to go and start the things for school, yet my mom and sister think otherwise I cant do it. Thats REAL nice. I know I do not have the money for daycare or to have someone watch Sadie. I KNOW THAT. I do not know what my dad was thinking otherwise. He did tell me to get the ball on the road with school and stuff. So now what am I supposed to do? Today I briefly spoke to my mom about it in the kitchen. I told her, for now, my only option maybe is online schooling? But she told me that is very expensive. NOW WHAT!?

What am I supposed to do? I have like no money for school. Yes there are loans and all that, but seriously, I know NOTHING about how all that works. I don;t even know exactly what I wanna do for school yet either. I had forever wanted to be a teacher, my heart belongs with the kids and that is the only thing I am good at, or so I think. But being in the hospital all these times with Sadie & Naomi, I was watching the OB nurses, and even ultrasound techs and I am very interested in doing something like that. There is always a demand for nurses, right!? But I do not know if I could really do all of that work? I never thought of myself as smart. But yet, I never really put my all into it.

My mom just went back to school and graduated when I was pregnant with Naomi and became a RN. I am so proud of her and she works at the hospital where I delivered Sadie. She has all the books in her room, I have seen them, never cracked them open, I think I would be frigthened. But, I really want to do something for once, I want to be proud of myself, I want to make Sadie proud,I want to make Naomi proud. I want to be able to say I DID IT! So many friends of mine are going back to school and I want to be one of them, so many of them have kids as well, if they can, why can't I?

I have two beautiful girls, I have to do this for.

I just am at a loss of where to go or what to do. I would love to help mommies like I, and be an OB nurse, or I had even seen the ultrasound techs (lord knows I had a LOT of those every few days!) I found it all very interesting. Seeing students come in and be with them, it def caught my eyes. I said to myself once my grandma leaves (she left tonight back to Philly) I will sit down with my parents and discuss things or ideas.

I am scared but yet its a reality and I HAVE to do it. I WANT to do it for once. I am 23, almost 24, in August. Time will NOT stop for me. I know my friends and family will all be there to help me along and support me. They have up and til now, why would they stop now? I want to start planning out my future, our future, Sadie's and mommies future. I see great things ahead!

Smiley Sadie

I honestly cannot believe how happy my little girl is. She is just always smiling and quite a happy little baby. I remember back when, she was quite colicky and I felt so bad there wasn't much I could do. She was a tough little one but I handled it all. Now, she just is such a joy seeing her face light up and the baby noises she makes! It melts my heart.

I think she started smiling around 3-4 months just on going. I remember being so excited to have "caught" a smile on my phone or camera. Now, its so easy, she does it all the time. Everyone comments how beautiful she is. I am so truely blessed for her. It makes me so happy and thankful. I know Naomi would be just as beautiful as she. I love both my girls with all my heart.

I look forward to seeing more milestones of hers, getting teethers, laughing more, crawling and all that good stuff! She is just a joy to have around. I honestly, could not imagine my life without her.

As if ONCE wasn't enough!?

A is for apple, B is for banana, C is for chocolate? No, youre fat, you can't be eating that.

"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels".

Yes, when I was 14 years old, until about 19/20, I have dealt with eating disorders. All of them, well the 3 main ones. Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge eating. I thought I was "fat" at 124 lbs and I decided to restrict my caloric intake to about a meer 500 calories a day. I would know and research what I was eating. I belonged to "pro ana" websites and livejournals at the time.I would write down what I ate every day and count the calories. I met girls online who would help me with my sick obsession. It all worked for a while, I lost weight and was feeling pretty happy, yet I really wasn't. I jumped with glee when my family started to notice i was losing weight. I would go all day without eating much, come home from school and drink a few glasses of Diet Green Tea. That was my stuff then. The lowest I ever got was 106 at my small frame of 5'1.

Eventually, I caved in. I began to eat. A little too much because I was just starving. I starved myself for too long I needed to eat. I would get mad at myself and punish myself. Noone suggested it, but I did it. I purged. I did that for a while, but then I started to stop because I got scared. I thought and have read that you can die and choke. I then was stuck. I binged and binged and binged, I ate up all my feelings. My heightest weight ever, was 155 lbs at 5'1. Talk about YUCK. But, I was sick. I would eat a box of chocolate icecream bars (they were my dads) and I had to go to the store to replace them. I ate 5-6 peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. I ate bread, and icecream, they were my go tos.I started taking out my hurt and anger because I could nOT stop myself from binging EVERY single day. I would do good for part of the day then I would ruin it all and just binge and binge. I would cry because I would not stop. It got to the point where my mom had to put LOCKS on the fridge and cupboards so I could not get into the food anymore. I was sick.

I would cry to my mom as well. She would tell me its okay, tomorrow is another day. I looked at it as, tomorrow is another day I am going to binge. I did this bingeing stuff for over a year. I went from 106 lbs, to 155 lbs. I got distructive at home, I was so upset with myself. I took it out on my family dog. I yelled, I screamed. I was a mess. ALl because of this food, I kept eatng and eating. My dad wanted to kick me out at 17 or so I think, but luckily my uncle and aunt offered to take me in, so off I went to Pennsylvania to live for 4 months during the winter. Then I also had trouble up there and wanted to go back home. But they wouldnt accept me back until a few months. I came back in April.

I still was binging when I got home. I even had an eating disorder therapist, we talked and what not she gave me her tips ands tuff, but it didn't really help. I went to an eating disorder clinic, inpatient, for two weeks. I met a great group of girls, all who had different stories and such sad stories. Eating disorders suck the life out of us all literally. I met and have kept a few friends from then and this September will be 5 years since I was there. I was 140 lbs then and came home and gained 15 more at my heighest.

I then went to a school and I don';t know what happened or came over me but I stopped cold turkey. I started restricting heavily again, and I dropped weight quick. I was on my way to thinville again. But I did not want to start the vicious cycle all over. For about 7 years, I dealt with all of this. It was pure hell.

Today, I am so very happy to say I am very well far from that road again. I remember 2 years ago or so when I was living with my ex, I thought, how great it feels to be able to be in control when I eat, stop when I feel full, not restrict, not over eat. It felt great. I NEVER thought I would get to that point.

Well, my grandmother is visiting, came down for my nephews baptism. We were sitting on the couch a few days ago and she said some comment I cant really remember but she basically said I was fat. It hurt me. Well, I just had a baby five months ago. I can't use that excuse much longer, but I did. I did not gain a LOT of weight, but nor am I super skinny. It takes TIME to get that off, some can get it quicker than others. I, really wasnt watching what I ate, but I never really ate alot these months, but my sweet tooth always got me. I didnt exercise either really besides little walks around the block. Well up when that comment was made, I did some changes.

I cut out eating sweets and breads started exercising more, sometiems even twice a day. Summer is coming up, I will be taking my Sadie to the water park (ohh I cannot wait!) so I must look good, I think! I do not have access to a gym now nor can I afford one, but that is not an excuse. The OUTSIDE IS FREE! I have legs, I have rollerblades, I can make up my own routines and get fit! I know I can. I have 10-15 lbs I would like to lose and stay that way. I am small, so any kind of weight on me you can see! I would like to lose my thighs and some arms and my tummy. My sister did, why can't I? I have my little girl to motivate me, I want to be healthy and set a good example for her.

Well, today, my grandmother made another comment. I was eating well all week, and was very proud of myself and exercising. I had just made myself a wrap with hummus, turkey and cheese that a friend suggested. I was so eager to try it, it was delcious! Earlier in the week I kept reading the back of a caramel syrup bottle with a recipe for a shake. Let me tell you, I NEVER make shakes. Well my mom went groery shopping today and I saw we had vanilla icecream (again we rarely have that but she bought it for my grandmother). So I wanted to make a shake, with 3-4 scoops of icecream, 3 tablesppons of caramel syrup and 1/4 cup of milk. I just was curious, I wanted to try it. So I just knew when pulling out the icecream my grandma may make a comment. I made my shake, and I had the SMALLEST amount, half of a SMALL cup. I gave the rest to her or my brother, she opted for it.

She said it was good, as I was finishing my little treat, she goes and I QUOTE "see, thats where you get your weight from". I stopped and didnt say a thing. Then I felt pain and hurt all over. I couldn't help myself and I let her have it. I said to her do you not remember when I lived up there for 4 months? I just had a baby 5 months ago, I am sorry I am not skinny or have the band like my sister does. I just took my daughter away and got ready for a walk. I was going to let my walk slide for the day, but after that comment, I had to go out. I knew I couldnt purge it, yet I wanted to, I CANNOT and WILL NOT go back down that path. I felt bad after wards for yelling at her, but I just couldnt believe another comment was hit my way. She then aplogized to me, and said it was a joke.

haha? very funny? um no, I didn't laugh. That was not a joke. So off I went with Sadie on a long fast walk and with some jogging in. I am glad I got it in I felt better after I came back but I was so hurt . especially after I was doing so well and she had to comment. My mom reminded me that my grandma has ALWAYS been like that. But still, it just hurt me. I am trying, I am pretty proud of myself. I have my sweet Sadie, I want her to see good role model behavior, and mommy has to be healthy to take care of her too.

Mindless Monday

This weekend was my nephew's baptism. I haven't read really on it or do I understand what it is all about, but I should. I don't have much say on it, I am back and forth with the whole religion thing. My mom would like me to take Sadie to church on my own, but I am still unsure. I have been to a few but its hard to put my belief in it all. I really don't know where I stand.

I was raised Catholic but I dont keep going with it. I perfer Christian church over Catholic church. I don't get anything out of Catholic church, I just don't. But, with Christian church, I love the music, the people and I seem to always come in at a time when the "service" is meant for me.

I got ready & got Sadie ready to go and everyone was there. Nice to see other side of family on my sisters side. The priest then began starting and as I realized who it was my eyes just began to FILL up with tears and they soon began pouring down my face. I couldn't stop them. This priest, Father Ed, baptised Naomi. When she was dead. My mom called for him to come that day for her to be baptised. I can't tell you why or what it means but it was sweet of her. I just remembered all of this and I turned around to my dad and said "he baptised Naomi when she died". I was holding Sadie and just hugged her really tight and kissed my necklace.

After that I was able to stop myself and tried to think of other things. My sweet Naomi. Miss my precious girly.

Ther est of the day was pretty nice, went to my sisters house for the after party. There was this pretty little 3 yr old almost 4 in March. I had fun playing with her, she had a very bright pink pretty dress on with black little heels too cute. I was running and chasing her and she kept wanting me to come in the bounce house, I said may look little but I am really not! haha made me laugh but I thought this will be be soon enough chasing my little girl!

Other news, my sister and I went to a baby consignment store to look at a double running stroller, since I will be watching her son a few days a week, and she said she wanted to help me out in any way that I can so she offered to buy it. There were two there so I picked out that one I liked the most. I am SO happy with it. I am down 2 lbs and I feel great, gotta keep it going! I surpringly have been keepingaway from sweets and breads, which was dificult before but I did it! So proud of myself! I would like to lose 10- 15 lbs. Healthy mama is my goal! I am always wanting to use it. I went rollerblading this morning with it and Sadie and I felt AWESOME after. I haven't bladed in SO long and it was just great. I then took Sadie later befoer the sun went down because she was having troubles napping today and I couldn't let her scream so I thought let me take her for a walk and she should fall asleep, sure enough she did! But I can't be taking her for a walk everytime she needs a nappie! Gotta figure out something there! I had a pretty good weekend! Hope you all did too!

Today, last year, I....

February 17 2010 was the day that I found out I was pregnant with my sweet rainbow baby Sadie!

I was not TTC (trying to conceive) again after my loss. But, I wasn't being careful like I should have. I was so in my grief and so distraught I was just not thinking straight, heck who is after going through such a traumatic loss? I wasn't feeling pregnant or anything like that but I knew I was late. I remember the last time I had gotten my monthly friend visit was December 17, exactly 2 months ago. That was the day we were flying to my grandmothers for Christmas, my sister and I. I remember getting a visit on the airplane from my lovely friend!

I had taken a few tests back in January but all was negative. So, instead of buying another test that I really didnt have money for, I decided to drive to this place called HOPE Pregnancy Center. I went by myself. I had been there previously before to confirm my pregnancy with Naomi. So I had to take a deep breathe before walking in there. I looked at the chairs, I remember where my friend and my mom sat with me in there, I remembered it.

I explained to them I thought I could be pregnant and had wanted to take a test. I filled out the form and circled I had been feeling nauseas and some what more tired. This place, is free of charge and helps out so many young girls and beyond. I remember being called back my a nice older woman and she explained how the test works, which I remembered again from being their last time.

She handed me a cup and I proceded to use the restroom. I was to come back with the cup and I would perform the test in the room with the lady. Talk about a bit awkard! She explained 1 line meant no, and two meant yes. I took the dropper and put two droplets into the little dot sized hole. I waited. I knew or I thought was going to be negative. I saw the first line appear very quickly and dark. I said while getting off the couch, okay, I am not pregnant I am good to go. She tells me, no, wait a minute.

I hear "no, theres another line there.". I said what? I had her repeat what she said. She said yeah go ahead and look. I looked, it was SO very faint, I thought no, I dont think so. And as we began to talk more, I would keep looking over in disbelief, and the lien eventually got darker. There were infact two lines there. I was pregnant. I was in shock, I cried. I explained to her my story & she and I talked and my views and what I would do. I then walked out with a paper confirmiing my pregnancy and sitting in the car just crying.

I was in a situation where I needed to cry. I couldn't do this to Naomi. How could I? What the hell were my parents going to say? What am I going to do? All these questions. I immediately called the "father" and told him. He didn't say much. I then spoke with my friend Kristin, and told her. I didnt rush to tell my best friend. I was afraid I guess of her reaction? I shouldn't have been especially how sweet and supporitve she had been.

I remember telling her a few very short weeks later at Starbucks. I ended up getting a decaf coffee and she thought I had been acting weird. I then finally broke the news to her. She was shocked . And was concerned but she was most importantly, there for me.

And the rest was history. I did not think I would have a successful pregnancy after loss. How could I think positively after all that had happened? But I was wrong. There is HOPE out there.I also had a beautiful angel, watching over mommy and her sister. And I am that face of HOPE. I am just about to retread back to bed and go marvel at my now 5 month old baby girl.(Yet, I remember this day a year ago like it was YESTERDAY!) THANK GOD she is here, alive and well!

What is a WUBBANUB?

Check the link below to find out and view this amazing blog!

http://stealsdealsandheels.blogspot.com/

So much to do so little time...& ramblings!

I am a list writer. A HUGE list writer. I must write the same things on like three different pieces of paper over and over again. I will cross one thing off that was done and add like 10 more things. Its little thiings too but they all just add up! Drives me nuts sometimes. I am not even working or in school YET, and, I think I am losing my mind now? Wait til then!

I have my Preeclampsia quilt square to come up with and get sent out BY March 1st. I thought I had a design already in mind, but now, I am not so sure. I don't know just yet. My mom went out and got some nicknacks for it, but I don't want to just throw it together. This is something very special to me, and I need to make it right and perfect. A woman on the preeclampsia foundation is making this quilt with our squares and it will be auctioned off at one of the Saving Grace gala's! I am excited. Which speaking of that, that is also on my list, I would LOVE to attend the gala, because one, it is in NYC, where i was born, well Long Island was where I was born, but I have not been back since I was 9 months old or so. I would love to see NY. More importantly, I would love love love to see and finally meet some of the woman I have "met" and kept in contact with from the forums, I hold them all very close and dear to my heart, especially Laura, Ashley, and Erica. I am quite close to the 3 of them from afar. It would be amazing. So that is on my list to look into!

A fantastic note to share, my team for March of Dimes, Spider's Hope, has MADE IT TO OUR GOAL of $1000 and its not even into March yet, we stll have until April 30th! I am so very excited, greatful and pleased by ALL those who donated and who are going to come out and walk with us in April. Means the world to me. I just wish Naomi knew, how loved she is with all the other babies born too soon. This is for her and all of them. I get sad tho thinking about it, but yet I am happy because we are doing great for to help out. I met my dear friend Holly yesterday, with her niece and sister with Sadie to plan ideas for the shirts. It was so nice to meet her yet so so sad, she lost her dear baby boy after 3 months of living, being born too early from severe preeclampsia. What a sweet baby boy she has, that is now holding hands with my dear Naomi.

I also owe money to a few people and need to get a double stroller, Sadie's pictures done, and mommy so badly needs more clothing BUT I am waiting until I can drop my last 10 or so lbs. I also need to get a picture book or scrapbook started, or I am going to be WAY behind. I want all of Sadie's picture developed but that would cost a LOT of money, that I do not have right now. So that will have to wait. But I really want it going. Or I may just have to pick out my favorite pictures from each month or so and figure out something!

I am So SO so upset, about something. But I cannot go backwards unfornately. HOW in the world, after my loss of Naomi, and what I went through and continue to, not get professional newborn pictures of Sadie?!? It kills me. I know I didnt have the money, but I could have so easily asked to borrow some from my parents, or best friend, or anyone and make a payment plan. But I didn't. And I see and hear of all these 'rainbow mamas' getting theirs done and I think what the heck was wrong with me? Yes I have pictures of her from then but not professional sweet poses of her. I can NEVER get those back. I know she would have made beautiful pictures. Ugh, but I cant go back. Nor did I get maternity photos done, which upsets me greatly, but I guess what matters the most, is that Sadie is here safe and sound. My best friend did get me a giftcard to get her pictures professionally done, she is now 5 months old, not newborn anymore, so I should get them done while she is still "little" .

One more thing to add! I was watching Inside Edition with my mom and grandma tonight and with the babies, and they spoke about a story, Christina Applegate had her baby girl after battling breast cancer. They introduced her: Sadie Grace! My mom and I both looked at each other and said "aweee!" So sweet. Its funny, because I googled the story on my phone, and came up to comments on the story about the name "Sadie". Alot liked it, but others, also said that it is a dog's name. Yikes. When my dad mentioned it to me in the hospital after I had her, thats what I thought too, but I cant picture her having another name, i really do love her name, maybe Sadie is coming back!? A very warm and happy congrats to Christina and her family and welcome to the world baby Sadie Grace!

Somebody turned 5 months old today!

Okay, just as a fellow mama told me, she needs to stop growing TOO fast. Oh my, I officially have a 5 month old today! I cannot believe it. Time has flown WAY too fast. I can't believe it. Before I know it, she is going to be a walkin and talkin and sassin mama back little girl! Ha. I cannot wait, yet I CAN, to see what she looks like at that age. God, I love her more each and every day. Until I was a mother, starting with Naomi, I never knew so much love for one little human being existed. I look at her big baby smile, her laughs, her every movement, and I thank God for her. She is my light, my world, my everything, keeps me going. Yet I never forget her big sister, I KNOW Naomi sent her to me and made sure of it. I love both of my girls so so much.

At 5 months old Sadie is now:

* developing her own little personality. It is so darn cute.
* she is definitely more aware of things, look all around, is interested in "Blues Clues" gets her legs a kickin watching Steve and Blue!
* starting to roll on her side, any day now she will be turning over, oh my!
* has been putting her hands in her mouth for maybe 2-3 weeks now, wondering if little teethers will be surfacing soon!
* smiles oh so much now at everything, definitely notices her mama, grandma and other usual faces!
*marlves at her hands! My mom says I have to get that on video before she stops it! She will hold her hands in front of her and just move them in certain ways, and will have a puzzled sort of look on her face, like hey, these are mine, they move, I control them, TOO CUTE!
*behaviorlly, has def gotten alot better
* still doesn't nap very much, takes small 30 min naps here and there, got an hr today or so, proud of her!
* does not sleep through the night, but it has happend TWICE. So I know she is capable of doing so, just have to work on it. She sleeps in her little swing type thing almost, around 8 falls asleep and wakes up around 12-2, I get her and bring her back with me in bed til the morning. I will be having crib transitioned into there, so I will try her in crib. We shall see how that works!
* she is starting to laugh more! oh my! It is the cutest thing ever! She was sitting with my grandma today and found her so funny and had a good couple laughs, my dad ended up seeing her laugh for the FIRST time, made me a happy mama!
* She notices a bit more her cousin Jimmy, and our dog, Tucker!
*loves having a little blanket to hold and play with and keep her sleeping
*eats baby cereal once every few days, she doesnt like it much, I tried bananas in it like my mom suggested, mashed up, and she seemed to like that more so I may do that so she can start eating cereal every day!
*Isnt so hard to get down for the night anymore or naps. She will fall asleep while breastfeeding for a nap, then I will quiely lay her down, and she stays down for a good 30 minutes. I remember she used to wake up when I would lay her down, not so much anymore! She is improving, my big little girl!

Here is to 5 months and going strong! This next month, in March, she has another follow up with kidney doctor and more testing. She has fluid in her kidneys, which when I was pregnant they found it there and it stayed until delivery, and they are watching it and running tests to see whats going on. Its called renal pelvic dilation. I worry, I hope it will resolve on its own and that nothing drastically will have to be done. So I am wondering what will happen in the first week of March for that apt! Will keep updated on that! Please pray things go well!

Pretty Pretty Princess!

I had been against getting Sadie's ears piereced for so long. I was annoyed with everyone asking me "when are you going to get them piereced?". I thought it would be better or more exciting for her to ask me when she is older to have them done. But lately, I would look at her and keep saying how pretty would she look with them done!?

This morning I went to Khols to use my Khols cash that my mom had given to me to use. There was an expiration date on it so I had to hurry up before it passed or "my mom would be very mad" she told me. Because she would have used it on herself, but like always, thinks of her children before herself. I find myself doing the SAME, I always know I could get more things but I end up purchasing for Sadie instead :).

With the $, I picked out two shirts for mama (buy one get one FREE) just regular t shirts that I needed, black & white! Funny how I am excited to wear a plain t shirt, but I am VERY low in clothing. Mama needs a new wardrobe make over , BIG TIME. But again, I keep getting for my little girlie. My mom gets mad when I do that, she has lots of clothes, but its so hard they are all so darn cute! I ended up also finding such a beautiful Eastery type dress. I have a $100 gift card from my best friend I still need to use to take professional pictures of Sadie and I thought how perfect will that be to see her in that dress! I also got another cute outfit for her, OTHER THAN PINK :) and sockies she needed!

I got home and it hit me, I am going to call, I realized I had the money to do it, and I called and they had an opening for 2:45 pm, I TOOK IT! I kept telling my little sweetheart over and over again how sorry mommy was but that she was going to look so pretty, not that she doesn't already! I had KNOTS in my stoamch the whole time, after I paid and was sitting and waiting to be called, I was so close to getting up and leaving. I couldn't see her in tears! But I said, she will be okay, SO many babies get it done.

The nurse took her temp, then had me lay her down, and put two dots on her ears to where the earrings would be placed. She did a perfect job on that! Even the doctor commented on it! Here she came, I was all ready to start to cry. She asked if I wanted to hold or a nurse, I hesisted for a few seconds, and then I said I can hold her. She said the mommies usually are crying longer than the babies! Well, 1, 2 and 3 and it was done! She made a little ity bity sound and that was IT. I was so ready for her to start screaming after the 1st one, that is when they usually realize it she said. But nope! My little girl was a TROOPER! Made me so happy!

Right after that, I met up with a wonderful dear friend of mine. I "met" her on the preeclampsia website through forums and had found out she lived locally to me! I have met others but they are out of state that I am quite close with from afar. We exchanged emails and numbers and talked alot and on the phone. What a sweet woman she is. Hearing yet another story, broke my heart. Our babies were born in the same month of April but a year apart. We will be walking this April for our babies together, with LOTS of family and friends. We met up for the first time today at the local Yogurtland, with her sister and niece. She showed me her book of her sweet son Benji. He is such a precious and handsome little baby boy. It brought me to tears, and more after we left each other.

It saddens me so much, how much and how often that this really strikes women. But makes me happy how we are helping to do something about it. God Bless this woman and so many others & families out there! <3

Happy Valentine's Day!

All dolled up in pink, red and white
add a pink bright bow, what an adorable sight!

Love between a Mother & a Daughter exists in a special place
I look forward to having her in my warm & loving embrace.

Sadie is my Valentine, my one and only one.
I love her to pieces, under the moon, stars & the sun!

I had a very special day at home, with my sweet little girl
seeing her smile, squeal, and laugh, she makes my entire world!

I made it .

Yes. I made it. Come to think of it, I have not been to a little ones birthday party since Naomi passed away. I had been invited to friends kids birthday parties, but I wasn't ready to go. My friend Anne had came over 3 weeks ago and invited me to her daughter Mia's birthday party. She gave me the cutest invitation. It was on photo print paper, and had her daughter on it with elmo. Super cute. I saved that.

I thought there is no way that I can't not go. Her and her husband have been so great to me. I remember them coming with 2 month old Mia when I was so very sick in the hospital, after having Naomi, with a huge laudary basket for a baby girl, FULL of the necessities. They also showered me with gifts before Sadie was born, again in the hospital. I had known her husband since middle school because we rode the bus together. She, is a year old than I tho, but I met her as well in highschool.

So I went to her birthday this afternoon. At first, seeing a few little ones arrive, got me a bit teary eyed and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle it all. I kept thinking, Naomi will be two. What would Naomi look like? Yet, I was holding a piece of her in my arms, her sister. I had to grab my necklace & kiss it. Soon, so many others arrived, s few other babies were there as well, in paticular, an 8 month old girl came, and her mom and I hit it off, was really sweet and we chatted most of the time and she even helped me a few times.

Earlier, I had been sitting outside and a family friend of my friend asked from a far, but really loudly "IS SHE YOUR FIRST!?!?". I noticed my friend Anne was looking at me a little bit from a far and I knew she had heard her, and for maybe 10 seconds, I stared off in lala land and my eyes were begining to fill up with tears. I should have KNOWN people would ask that damn question. I KNOW TO NEVER ASK, EVER. But anyways, I got up, and went over to her. I did not want to yell all of that back to her. So I went over and explained. She said, she was sorry. Then, bless her, but she told me she developed pre E , at term, at 37 weeks and then they said that was it. She said she didnt want to deal with any of that and some other things. I just didn't like the way she went about it and spoke about it.

Knowing I went through a loss and still am, forever will be, and had it again, but further on with Sadie. Ugh, some people. They just dont know. But otherwise, I had a very nice time at the party. Sadie was very well behaved, everyone commented on how well she was behaved and how beautiful she was. Made me smile. I know my little girl is beautiful, not just because she is mine, but I would definietly marvel from afar if I had seen her as well as being a stranger! :)

Just a few minutes ago, I happened to catch a few comments on an old highschool friends page on FB. I was like, no way. Really? Turns out, she is pregnant, again. Honestly, she's gotta be the 11th or so I know now that is pregnant. It is going around, it always seems to be! She has a 2 or 3 year old little girl. She found out apparently a day or two ago. So, she must be a few weeks along if that. And here some friends are always talking about "oh I cant wait to find out what you are having, and oh play dates this and that". OF COURSE I DO NOT want anything bad to happen to this girl, I do NOT wish the pain of loss on any mother. But, I just can't help but pick out so many that are I guess naive about it all? I can only pray for her. I just being in the loss community, I know ALL too well all that can go wrong. They automatically think, a positive pregnancy test equals a baby being brought home in 9 months in your arms. Um, no, not in my world it doesnt anymore.

The other day, I was walking, and I thought to myself. Out of my "class" and friends in highschool, I would say I am the only one that had a baby prematurely, and had her pass away. Me. Jill Marish. Why ME? WHY ME? I kept asking over and over and over again in my head like a broken record. What did I do to deserve it? No one is perfect but god, how my heart is for children, it just kills me.

Super Slammin Saturday!

Those 3 words pretty much sum up my day: Super Slammin Saturday! I haven't had a great day like this in a long time. I mise well enjoy my "freedom" while it lasts. Before I know it, I will be way over my head busy in school, and I, cannot wait. I am excited!

This morning, I woke up with miss Sadie around 9:30 to her babling away, she talks mostly in the morning, but never talks like that during the day. Its too cute and funny. I'll have to get on learning my video camera to catch some of it!! I fed her, hopped in the shower (and let me remind you I am never quick to jump in the shower first thing. It takes me a while to wake up and be up for the day!) But I did and it got me feeling awake & fresh!

I made a healthy bowl of oatmeal, with walnuts, raisins and cut up bananas! It was quite filling too. I am trying today again to do well with eating wise. I don't eat too much but its those darn sweets that do it to me! I then ran out with Sadie to the bank & Target. I picked up a gift for my friend Anne's daughter, a little dress, who had a birthday party tomorrow! She LOVES Elmo. Elmo is going to be in attendance and they live down the next neighborhood from us. They have been so giving and kind to me, with Naomi, and Sadie, came to visit me in hospital both times with my girls. So theres no question in my mind, I must go. I was in the asile with the cards and was trying to decide on what "2" year old card to get, then I saw the perfect one. You guessed it! ELMO. As I was looking at it in my hand, all of a sudden, my eyes got filled with tears.

Naomi would be two I remembered in 2.5 more months. I should be picking out a card for her. I quickly gathered the card, grabbed 2 First baby Valentine cards & went out of that asile. I thought it would be cute to get my nephew a 1st card, so I will be sure to drop that off sometime tomorow for him. I also, came upon a FLORIDA MARLINS pink onsie set (2) and I flipped over price and just HAD to get it. I used to be a HUGE fan of the Marlins back a few years ago but then stopped. I figure, I gotta try and root for them this year and get miss Sadie into them! :) So I can't wait to see her in that, and I happened to get 6 to 9 month size, so by that time, they will be in full play and she will fit into them! I am excited!

Finished up the rest of my shopping and ran on home so Sadie can nap. She happened to nap only 30 minutes, silly girl. She does pretty well with no napping. She must be a baby that doesn't need much sleep. Grandfather may be right, she may happen to like the night life, OH MAMA IS IN TROUBLE. ;) I then realized it was going on almost 3 o clock so I had to gather us all up again and meet at Starbucks with a friend.

I happened to text her the other night asking her how she is and we haven't really spoken in a LONG time. She texted back how weird it was that I texted her, that I had been on her mind too! So we ended up making plans to meet for a little. She is a few years younger than I am but a very sweet girl. I met her back 5 years ago, at Renfrew. I went to an eating disorder clinic for 2 weeks back then and happend to find out she lived right in the same town I did! We had a good time outside and she kept commenting on how well Sadie was behaving and how gorgeous she was. Made me a happy mama!

From there, I had plans to meet with my best friend to Color Me Mine. My mom and sister went there a few months ago. It is a pottery type place, you pick an object and paint it and then they fire it up and you pick it up a week later. My mom thought it was very neat and she ended up getting my best friend and I a certificate at Christmas to use. I was a bit weary of taking Sadie with us. My mom offered when she is off to watch her so my best friend and I can go. But, I enjoy taking Sadie places and she was VERY well behaved. I saw alot of people in there and was worried that she wouldn't do so well, but she did! No one would ever notice a baby was in there! My best friend picked out a CUPCAKE :) she did a beautiful job. I can't wait to see it finished all glazed up! I will be sure to post pics when she gets it back!

I happened to pick out a very special thing. It is a surprise tho! I wasn't able to finish it, due to me having to hold Sadie sometimes, I didn't want to mess it up. So I was able to take it home with me, and will go back later this month to finish it. So mine will take somet time, but like I said its very special and I want it to look nice. Oh! On the way when we were almost done, I said "boo!" to Sadie a good couple of times. And she started LAUGHING. My best friend has never heard her laugh. Sadie doesnt laugh every day but every couple days. And I think yesterday I forgot that I had made her laugh by saying "boo!". But this one was just ONGOING. Oh it made me so happy . I was grinning from ear to ear! I love that little girl so much. I have really got to figure out how to work my new video camera. Ive got to get it on camera! Music to my ears!

So it was apporaching 7pm, I thought I gotta get this little girly into bed soon. We were both starving. She didn't have any plans for the rest of the night so we ran up to the mall and got chicken and rice and beans and brocolli and brought it home with us. I was able to put her to bed and we had girl time, ate, and watched episodes of Cupcake Wars! I think its a neat show. It reminded me, I wanna find a recipe to make for my dad. His birthday is coming up, March 2nd! With me now being confident enough, I wanna actually make something! He loves Key Lime Pie. I am not a fan, but for him, he sure is! We looked up Key Lime Cupcakes and found such a cute one, but has a LOT of steps to it. My best friend, is too sweet, she offered to come over and help me make them. I don't think we will need all 24 of them, so she said she would take some to her work with her! I am excited to make those!

While we were watching TV, I happened to get up a few times to check on Sadie sleeping. I just had this gut feeling, she wasn't okay. But I went in and looked at her closely and she is fine. I then did it once more before she left and I came back and my friend thought I maybe heard her. I explained, that I didn't. But that I can't help myself but I am always worried, I feel like she will die in her sleep, SIDS, or something else. I told her I picture myself falling to the ground in HYSTERICS crying. I lost Naomi, she died, doesn't mean nothing won't happen to my little Sadie. And at that moment, I just felt like CRYING hysterically. I can't help but feel that way. I pray to God that it wont ever happen, but, because I am a bereaved mother, nothing is far from not happening. I just can't explain how I felt. I still feel it. But I can't really let it out right now. I love both my girls SO much. A mother's love is simply unexplainable yet the BEST FEELING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD <3

Where you come from youre outta this world to me

I am sitting here tonight, playing videos on youtube of songs, that remind me of Naomi. I've been down lately. I can't quite put my finger on it why exactly, but I am.

"Beautiful" by Akon. When I was pregnant with Naomi, this song was out then. I LOVED it. Now, well, its hard for me to listen to it. When I would be driving in the car, I would blare it, and dance in the car while driving and SO WOULD SHE. She did so much moving and gymnastics in there I swear. This song I just automatically think of her when I hear it, even tho the lyrics are SO not related really. But my sweet Naomi is SURELY beautiful, no doubt about that.

I miss her. In about 2.5 months, my baby girl would be TWO years old. Wow. Two years ago almost I gave birth unknowingly that I would lose her 5 weeks later to infection in the NICU. When I was in the NICU I was told of all the positive outcomes and stories. Of course! Noone will tell you the negative ones. I remember a nurse of Naomi's had seen me downstairs (I was ALWAYS there 10-12 hrs a day EVERY SINGLE DAY) and she introduced me to a couple that had twins, they were on some monitors, but they were very much there and so cute. She told me briefly about their story and here they made it and were visiting the NICU to show off their babies being older and doing well.

I was always asked when I would go in the cafe to get some lunch of breakfast, how Naomi is. I would always wear my "proud mom" pin. I just walked that hospital so proud of my baby girl.

Last year, my best friend baked and made the most beautiful birthday cupcakes for her. I knew there was no question about it that I was going to have her make them for Naomi's 1st Birthday. But now, since I am alot more experienced with baking and in the kitchen, I think I am going to give it a try and make either a cake or birthday cupcakes for her. I think I will also release balloons, light a candle, and donate to the preeclampsia foundation on her birthday.

I miss her. I just wish I can hold her or see her pretty little face ONE more time. I know she is watching over her little sister, I have NO doubt in my mind that if she continued to live on, she would look alot like Sadie. <3

**on a side note. Today, I have been told that we have $720 raised so far for our March of Dimes team in memmory of Naomi and Benji!!!! I couldn't be happier. We have our goal at $1000. When she first told me the goal, I thought oh boy, but its not even a month in and look at all the $ that was raised! I am so happy that so many have reached out and are helping, this is for a great cause that I never thought I would be apart of. We have a little less than 2 months to go, and I KNOW we can and will make our goal. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Our babies are greatly loved & so are the many babies are were born early. Bless all our sweet babies!

Someway or another, I'm going to find you...

and getcha, getcha, getcha! Those are the words playing in my head right now. I swear, I can't get things out of my head. I feel like, I have been through the worst possible thing anyone can go through, losing their child. Yet, I always hear that "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle.". Really? I am not so sure I believe it just yet.

Sadie is here with me, after 4 hospital stays, and 298383 times taking my bp, googling this and that, and fears way beyond my control. She is here. But, doesn't mean God won't take her away from me too. Shit happens. I am beyond TERRIFIED something will happen to her. I can name the countless of ways that are in my head, but I better not, I am not ready for more waterworks tonight.

Earlier today, I had Sadie in the playpen with her toys and the danglily things from above that she is now learning to reach for and play with and toss up those oh so cute feetsies to grab! (Yes! TODAY SHE FOUND HER FEET AND WAS PLAYING WITH THEM, TOO CUTE!) (And I just LOVE the way she marlves at her little hands. Earlier tonight before bed, my mom was holding her and she put her hands in front of her face and just gave an odd type stare at them, we both laughed. Too cute to see her expressions, I sure wish I could be that amazed with my hands! Oh the imagination and all the things for a baby to see and learn!). Back to my story! I had Sadie in her playpen while I was doing some things on the computer and in eyesight of her, she was in playpen didn't think anything could happen.

I was on the phone with a friend who we are doing the March of Dimes walk this year together, and so I was trying to help her figure out how to put a photo on her page of her baby boy. I happened to hear this like almost like coughing/gagging noise and I thought oh maybe she was just coughing but when I realize it I jumped up off the chair and ran over to her. There is this dragonfly (a soft plush one) hanging from the overhang, along with her toys that she plays with, and the long tail of it was almsot halfway down her throat! She somehow got it like that, I quickly pulled it out, and picked her up. I was panicking althought I looked at her she was breathing, not gasping for air or anything but her eyes are all almost red and teary eyed.

Oh I just hugged her and said you scared your mama. my mom asked me what happened because she heard me freaking out and I told her. She took it off and threw it in the trash. I was so freaked out about that. I always am checking on her whevere I have her and most of the time she is with me in my arms and I continue t oget things done around the house. I just panic. Can you blame me?

So, backtrack, 2-3 weeks after she was born, I had that scare and had to take her to the ER after her pediatrition suggested I do so just to check her out and be on the safe side. Thank the lord everything turned out to be okay, but gosh. Strike 1, Strike 2 (earlier today) do I have one more strike!?!?

I am scared out of my mind. Honest to God, if anything happens to her, I will go with her. I will not live through another loss. I will not and cannot do it. I can't "beg God" not to take her from me. Thats what I was doing in the back of the NICU at 4am June 1, 2009. That did nothing. SO yeah, I am still struggling alot with my belief, but thats a whole another story.

I just know of so much bad in this world, I think about it, probably too much, I just do not want ANYTHING to happen to my baby girl.

Church...

So, tonight, I saw a friend of mine was going to church tonight & didn't want to go alone. I replied to her and she said I should come! So luckily I had an hr, or so to get ready & have miss Sadie be ready and off we went!

I needed to get out of the house and I had been to this church twice before, recently, for Christmas Eve. It is a beautiful church and had a nice service for Christmas I really enjoyed.

I meet up with my friend, from highschool, and she sees baby Sadie. Asked if I was going to put her in the nursery. My first thought and thoughts going through my head was "NO WAY IN HE you know what!". I thought I can't leave her with strangers! But she said go check it out, its only sn hr and it will give me a bit of a break and to enjoy myself. Not that I wouldn't with Sadie, but I prob would have had to go in the baby room, because she does NOT like loud music. I wouldn't either if i were a baby! :D

So I decided to go check it out and I ended up giving her information and they asked how old she was and all marveled at her. I took a peek in the room and two sweet young woman were there with a few toddlers and a few babies. I handed her over and my heart was pounding. I gave her a hug & said "bye bye" and I left. I told my friend omg what did I do!? They asked if I wanted to go in and see but I said no because I knew she would be OKAY, but would mommy!?

The whole service my heart was like pounding, I felt anxious, and my stomach was bothered, I couldn't sit there without being all tensed. I kept wanting to look at my phone to see the time. They also gave me a number and put a number sticker on her. Said if they need me that number will light up on the screen. The WHOLE time I kept my eyes glued on it. I thought, for sure she will be too fussy for them or something may happen. A few times, I almost just got up and walked out and wanted to go and get her. But I told myself to sit still. She will be OKAY.

And sure enough, service ended, and on we went to get her. I was SO excited to see her little face, but worried to see how she did. They said she did well she was a little shaken when being passed to be but she was good and I gave her so many hugs and kisses and told her I missed her and I got a BIG baby Sadie smile that mama just lovesss. :)

Felt great that she was okay and I knew in good hands. Glad to have gone to service as well. Just I think, and worry, that was only 1 hr away from her in someone else's hands I didn't know. The only other times, which was twice, that I left her for a couple hours, was my mom! And I still get anxious but I know she has her and is in good hands! What will I do when I have to start school.either online or out and then start working? oh my. I will have to learn!

Daisies

"The flower symbolism associated with the daisy is purity, innocence, loyal love, beauty, patience and simplicity. Daisies are often depicted in meadows in Medieval paintings, also known as a "flowery mead." Daisies are believed to be more than 4,000 years old and hairpins decorated with daisies were found during the excavation of the Minoan Palace on the Island of Crete. Even further back, Egyptian ceramics were decorated with daisies. Daisies were used in Mary Gardens. The daisy is also symbolically connected to St. John."

When I was pregnant with Naomi, I took alot of walks, sometimes I look back on it and think maybe I shouldn't have walked so much. But being a member of this not so nice community, we all think of those things, what we should have done, or shouldn't have. I was taking a walk one day "over the hill" I call it, and I came across a bed of daisies in the field next to the sidewalk. I bent over, picked one up, and saved it. I placed it in Naomi's ultrasound mini book that I always carried with me in my purse. I placed it in there for her, even though it was going to die very quickly, I just picked it for her. And now, when I see daiseys, I think of her. I miss her alot.

Today, my friend and I have been texting slot about our babies. And I think that has got to me and I just feel emotional. I just got home from picking up my sister from school, and I got back and I hear country music playing (which I am not a fan of) but I then realized what song was playing and I hear the lyrics, "If I die young, bury me in a bed of roses..." and I just immediately had to walk to my room and let out some tears. I just am missing my sweet baby girl. Yet I look over at my sweet Sadie, laying there in her playpen ever so quietly, I am so blessed to have. I still like to think, if Naomi lived, she would look like Sadie.

Friends aren't supposed to make friends....

Friends aren't supposed to make friends cry. Are they? I, offically, have taken this one person, out of my life tonight, for good. It's sad, because I was just with her the other night with my best friend at Karokeeing too.

I can't do this anymore. She lives down the street from me, walking distance, within a mile. I am fed up with her ALWAYS being rude to me. For nothing. Last night, I texted her at 9pm, little past it, and she texted me not to text back. She was sleeping, which I did not know, she had to take up at 4 am for a new job. And she was very rude to me in those few texts.

Later during the day today, I get a text from her, saying "hey". My best friend was over, I showed her it, she knew what had happened the previous night, just how rude she was with me. She helped me respond to her in a NON RUDE way, because one, I am not like that, neither of my best friend and I are, and two, I was going to give her a chance, ANOTHER CHANCE.

Anyways, my best friend and I were curious to how she claims she has no money, yet when she is getting her nails done, buying coffee all the time, and cigs. Yet leaving the check with my best friend and I, many many times claiming "I HAVE NO MONEY". It just seemed odd to both of us, but I didnt want to pry. She then says she had money coming in to her from almost 10 years ago, for something we do not knwo about. That is fine, I will not ask, but it is a good lump some.

She then says, she doesn't ask where I get my money, me being a single mom. So that got me mad, I told her not to point that out on me about me being a single mom, and she should KNOW I get help from my parents. She should NOT say she is broke, she HAS money in her bank account. I frankly, have pretty much nada.

I never fight with friends, NEVER. I have always stayed clear of all that drama. I am not that type of girl. But this, this "friend", is difficult. She is quick to be rude, I don't know if she knows it or it is just apart of who she is, but I was broughjt up to aplogize if I was rude or said something mean.

So I get a late text from her and I said screw it I am replying back. She says this to me : "I have a life and responsiblity to go to work unlike you. Stop texting me after 9 o clockl plz this is two nights in a row. Don't text back".

Needless to say, I LET HER HAVE IT. How can one NOT reply to what just came out of her mouth. I was livid. I said something along the lines of "I am sorry but I DO have a responsibility, I have SADIE. And you don't have kids. I did what I am supposed to do, I AM going to go back to school, I signed up for it, I am in the process.Dont you DARE tell me I have no responsibllity" Well I could have gone on and on and blew up her phone, when she was trying to sleep, but I decided to leave it at that.

And now after it all, I just want to burst out crying. I honestly, cannot (even though I should) believe she would stoop that low and say that to me, I DONT HAVE A RESPONSIBLITY!?!?!? Who is Sadie? Yes, I am not working right now, I can't go back to work this minute, yes I have help (alot) from my parents, I am very lucky and AM GOING TO repay them back one day from it all, but I did my first step in signing up to go to school. My parents want me to head that way first so I can make better money when I do go get a job with some degree or certificate of some sort.

I KNOW we ALL have our own issues and things, but for her to point that out, truely got to me. I have had a thing with her before as well, where she said something VERY mean and hurtful reguarding Naomi, I should have been DONE with her than. But I forgave her, we both said hurtful things, but I FORGAVE. And something with Naomi, I WOULD NEVER have usually. But I did. This time, I am done. I am deleting her from facebook and contact in phone, hopefully she will get that job a bit from here and move. I am just so broken, I feel like bawling my eyes out because of what she said. She KNOWS how much I love my little girl and would do anything for her and am doing so. I came SO far in everything and she says this to me?

I figure I need to get this off my chest before I wake up my Sadie by crying. I can't deal with her rude remarks anymore. I can pray for her, but I can no longer be a friend to her. My mom had told me to stay away from her anyways, but I gave her a second chance. No more.

March of Dimes & The Doctor...

Purple. Walking. Awareness. Prematurity. March. April. Spring. Family. Friends. Babies. Support. Money. All these words comes to mind when I think of March of Dimes. It's getting to be that time again! I am signed up and registered, 2nd year in a row, to walk in memmory of Naomi and a friend I have spoken with through the preeclampsia foundation. She and I have spoken alot, have not "met" yet but we will be to help and prepare for for the walk. She lost her sweet son Benji Spider, born prematurely due to preeclampsia as well. She offered for us to be a team together and I JUMPED at the chance. Such a sweet woman, and I am glad we are going to be able to do this together. Our walk date is April 30th. Last year I walked, and I was a few months pregnant with her sweet sister Sadie, I did the 3 miles and did stay hydrayted. I wanted to do so. This year, her sister will be coming along as well as many of my friends and family to support us in this. I am excited.

It also falls around what would be Naomi's 2nd birthday. So I will always walk every year in memmory and honor of her & do something special, make cupcakes for her and donate toys or clothing in her name. I am trying to send out info, every where possible, to help raise awareness for prematurity.

Our team name is Spider's Hope. My friend Holly came up with it, both of our babies middle names together. I think it goes really well and keeps both of them in our team name too. http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?si=E9805160-953F-446D-846A-6150C3761725&u=NaomiSadie916. I included the link as well if you would like to donate. Every dollar amount is GREATLY appreciated. THANK YOU!


A day ago, I came across this picture, with this doctor on my friends facebook page. (I kindly messaged her asking if I can use it, and she said of course, for on my blog, so THANK YOU!, I explained how I always talk about Naomi and just need to get htings off my chest here in my blog, it helps). She had this wonderful doctor throughout her pregnancy.

Who is he you ask? Well he is one of the doctors in my old ob's practice, that I did not have. I have this female ob, which I strongly regret, but who was I to know things would go the way they did? She did not listen to me one bit. I KNEW MY BODY, I read things in the books, it just didn't seem right. Anyways, when I was admitted into the hospital that weekend, she was gone on vacation. And this amazing doctor, came in the morning of April 27, 2009, and explained who he was, Dr Jay Cohen (quite handsome might I add) and that he was another doctor on the team and was going to perform my emergency c section with Naomi.

When I saw this picture, I forgot she had it. And I froze. His face, him, brings back so many memories. He was such a caring and sweet doctor. I remember him talking to me throughout surgery and I couldn't figure out why, but it was just to make sure I was still there and alert and okay. The radio was playing, he was singing to the music, as "Home" by Chris Daughtry came on. We all know how I feel about that song, as Naomi was born into this world.

He kissed me on my forehead and said what a great job I did. He was all in all a great doctor, even tho I never before really seen him, I will FOREVER remember this man. I just see his face, and AUTOMATICALLY, remember the OR table and him, and everything. Naomi, I miss you and love you so much. There is not a day that I do not think about your or miss you. I see you in your little sister, she reminds me of you, she reminds me that you are not here, but she puts smiles on my face. When you're sister cries, I sometimes come out in the kitchen and there you are in a video or picture, and I swear, I feel as if you are coming to "check up" and say "its okay sissy". I will love you, forever and my baby youll be.